Anyone ever feel like they're a secret agent?

Before coming out to my best friends, I often felt this way - like I wasn't truly being myself and had two different personas. I still feel like this with respect to my personal vs. professional life but that's not a gender thing .

 

I can be me in the bat cave.

I can also go out as gamer geek girl (that should be my super hero name).

But in front of my students, family, and almost every friend of mine I'm that broski that blends in, hiding my innermost me from everyone.

So yea, I totally get that.

 

Yes, yes, 100% yes. I can completely relate to this feeling.

I'm not out to anyone in my inner circle of friends and family yet, apart from friendships that started online...and it's harder and harder each day. I get up for work every day, and try to gauge how much make-up is invisible and no one will notice, and how much would get my co-workers and customers giving me suspicious eyes.
I go out with friends and I don't hide the make-up, but most of them have come up from the goth/punk scene, so I doubt they think anything of it, yet I feel like I have to censor myself and what I say.

Sometimes it almost feels like a game...'you have no idea that my underwear is adorable!' But then I'll be having a bad day, and I just want to have people here in the real world to vent to about this or that, or have a good cry with, but oooohhh no...can't have that, can we? You have to be a MAN. :tears:

I don't know where I was going with this...so, um...yeah. I can relate.

 

Well... I'm a tomboy so that doesn't really bother me. But that doesn't allow room for being cute and sensitive and showing emotions and shit.

 

I used to, although I was never any good at it...

 

Oh my god this a thousand times...

Before I came out to my friends I would get that screaming through my head constantly...I just want to tell you I'm wearing panties, but I can't 'cause holy shit would that be weird xD

---------- Post added 8th Jun 2014 at 05:14 PM ----------

Well once I started to accept how things were going I had the worst time of things. I had this plan set out that I would buy some clothes, try them on and see what I thought. Then I would cosplay as a girl at a convention this year and see how I felt, then if it seemed like a good idea I would come out.

So if I had stuck to that plan, I wouldn't even be out to anybody yet.

So I would have clothing and things lying around knowing full well they needed washing and I couldn't possibly use the washing machines or hang them out to dry...

So every other nights I would creep into the bathroom, was a load of panties and dry them in my room and hope to hell nobody saw them.

I hid a bunch of wigs in my room and clothing in a bad. Hell, I hid BOOBS in my drawer!

One time I accidentally left a posh pair of undies on my pillow somehow, and I was just lying their reading and mum came in to talk to me. She looks at me and goes "Is that a sock?" and I just ask what on earth she is on about. Then I turn and see and must have gone white, and she quickly left the room...

 

All the time
Matriarch out!

 

No Mia you get it exactly. Watch your football. Drink your beer.

I love my beer and video games too.

But I do like dresses and skirts and cute shoes too. I just can't comment on them as in secret agent bro ski mode.

 

It's a bad idea for me XD

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm pretending to be a different person, or putting on an act

 

Always having to remember who is aware of what, deleting browser history, hoping people who know never tell people who don't, policing and editing comments and reactions, it's not that different from some aspects of working undercover. Makes me wonder if we would be more apt to pass or fail a general lie detector test...

 

yep. makes me feel better about not being out. i also internally rejoice every time my friends point out my manliness (which they do a lot). they always tell me "you look like a boy", "you should be more like [guy we know]", "i saw [guy] today and at first i thought it was you", etc and i brush it off, but internally i'm like HELL YEAH!!! :lol:

 

^ this

^ and this

I feel more like I am presenting a reasonably heavily edited version of myself rather than a separate identity. I'm showing the world me, just not all of me - sort of a lie of omission rather than of commission. Maybe this is simply a massive rationalization on my part but it helps me feel like I'm not a total fraud.

 

I actually wanted to tell my friend she had a cute skirt yesterday but... it felt awkward near my other friend while in male mode... even though they are the two I'm out to.

 

Aw