my situation

Hey,

I’ll use my first (maybe second, when you count the welcome-) post to describe my situation.

For years now I every now and then switch to a female form. Sometimes more often, sometimes I have so much distance to it that I cannot understand myself I liked it. Other times it is so ostensible that I cannot wait each day’s evening when I can switch.

It started about 2006 and never left me since then. But I also remember that I loved to dress like a girl when I was younger, maybe 14 - with my mother’s clothes. I felt the same then like now. But there was a really big break - and I assume that I really didn’t know what I was doing those days. But there always has been a great attraction to female thingies and clothes for me. I even remember me magically being attracted to a certain shop window in my home town where I every week loved to behold those fine female clothes.

Today, I just love feeling female - feeling like a girl. Or maybe woman, since I am in mid-thirties.
It may all be fine since I do not feel guilt or such. But - there is always hole that remains, especially when I have to undress and switch back to male form.
In my private circle of friends and family, no one knows - but one friend whom I could tell about this. So I have no one to talk to (that single friend isn’t that good as dialogue partner)
My girl friend maybe would be shocked, as well as my parents.
But, what is worse, I wouldn’t even know what to tell them. I do not want to be labeled as crossdresser since I do not see myself as this.
For some time now I’ wondering if I would better be a girl. But there is no conclusion. Albeit I so often feel so completely feminine, there are times where I am completely content with me as I am. And - I am afraid I would give up my true being, would deny myself if I tried to to a transition.
Maybe it’s because I know me for so long as I am, that I cannot bring my brain to a real conclusion.

Clearly you can say that I am obsessed of women and feminine things. I simply adore all (almost) that is womanlike, girly-ish and *not* male. On the other hand I decline male schemes, especially typical male stereotype things. Like, when browsing a catalogue and seeing those male models, I instantly feel disgusted.

Now you could say I should just open up, come out and tell my closest friends and family about me - dress up also in public, become as feminine as it can get (shaving beard, shaving legs etc)
and be happy. But for me this won’t be the solution - since I either wanted to be male (and content) or female (and content) - for me, I had to be boy or girl.

I would feel very awkward when I would walk with my gf outside and looking like a lesbian couple, and at home we had sex with me as boy or - as “pseudogirl” with a penis.

Also, I would feel incomplete without real female traits like breasts and vagina. This would be essential for me.

So today I sit here and am very undecided. There is this urge to switch to feminine form where I can feel like a woman, but on the other hand it may not be (or may it) my real future.
It seems that something is maybe lacking - the way a woman thinks and feels ? Don’t know.

The urge to transform to a woman also isn’t that big that I suffer. I have no suicide thoughts, I have no urge to harm myself, I do not hate my penis. It’s somehow like - “yes it’s finde to be male - but wouldn’t being female so much better?”

At the moment I could not think off being a girl in front of my girl friend of family. I would feel ridiculous. Also, because I cannot clearly tell why I do this - only that it feels damn good and right in some way (This was the feeling when I put on that short leopard dress in 2007 when all started again - it felt *right*)

So, this is my situation - thanks for reading

hugs, Marie

 

hi

yes I feel sad when I have to go back to my natural male form. It's, like I said, like there's a hole after a day/evening as a girl.
Some days I cannot wait until I may dress again, I sometimes even leave work earlier for this

 

Only if I really was female. As male (body) inside the female outfit this cannot go on forever

 

you mean really transform, biological ? Or continue just dressing

 

hmm when just continuing dressing - I would feel incomplete. For now this works as I am alone, for me, at home. But when my true identity would be: this is me, I look like a girl, I maybe AM a girl, I would also need a female body. And - face. More important. I would not like me being a girl with a male face.
I know that gender roles are just made by our society and culture. But you cannot just deny them I think.

And the real problem is - I just don't know if being a girl would be my future. What if this really denies myself, my personality?
I don't think this urge to feel like a woman is just a phase, but maybe it's not the right way for me to change sex. But if not - what could it be ? Either seems to be not the right way

 

hey

I agree with the two choices left.
Living as a male forever - it would be the right choice for me if I'd knew that I cannot transform to a woman (whatever reason) I cannot and I will not continue just dressing - it's always a hazzle, it sometimes seems to tear me apart. It's a feeling of incompleteness somehow.
So, I think I must come to a point where I can decide what to do.
Maybe some day I will be ready to accept that I am something in between? Maybe it would be possible to grow breasts, totally appear as a woman from the outside but still have a penis. Maybe. But not today :-/

 

No i won't do that .. thanks for helping me a bit!

What I wondered about many times:
Where are the boundaries between crossdressing and transgender? Is cd just a pre status of being transgender ? Is cd just for sexual purpose, to arouse you?

 

If I'd only knew how it feels when you are in a wrong body