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Extremely oppressive environment, no real life support. Also this is my Story

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by oncetherewasa, Jun 15, 2014.

  1. oncetherewasa

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    I just have to rant about this momentarily ~

    I live in a not-so-progressive city in north Texas with my grandparents and my mom. My grandparents are very difficult for me to be around and I've become pretty depressed since moving in with them in the last 3 years. They are very backwards, close minded people and my grandmother especially is very vocal about her views on everything. She hates atheists, tattoos, piercings, any body mods, drinking and things from other cultures. She's disgusted by gay people, she's uncomfortable around androgynous people and people of other races; she pretty much hates anything that doesn't seem like it's from a traditional "all American" white story book.

    The city I live in is very conservative and there are no support groups or anything LGBT related here. I think there's one gay bar but since I'm under 21 I don't really care about it. From what I've seen there's definitely nothing here in regards to gender queer or trans related issues.

    So, all of my life something has always seemed a little off. I've never been really girly; in fact, when I was a kid people used to not be able to tell if I was a boy or a girl. I hated girls clothing and only wore boys clothing and shoes; I HATED dresses. I always hung out with boys and could never relate to girls in any way. But I would correct people if they called me a boy.
    When I was around 12 and my chest started growing I remember being severely distraught over it and wishing they would shrink and getting really sad. I remember wishing that I could magically turn into a boy then, as if I had been one my whole life, so that I could go on living the way I wanted and no would freak out like "whoa, she just turned into a boy today!". I wrote down a list in a notepad of all the things I would do once I was a boy and how awesome it would be, blah blah blah. Each night I would go to bed hoping, wishing, praying with everything I had that when I woke up I would be a boy and that everyone had always known me to be one. Then one day my mom found the list and asked me about it, looking very concerned and everything. So I lied and said that it was for one of the characters in my book I was writing. From that day on, I buried that being a boy notion away and tried my best to just live.

    I had begun wearing a hoodie all the time to cover my chest and that summer I wore a hoodie 24/7, sweating buckets if I ever went outside because I seriously HATED my breasts and felt super uncomfortable with them. When all of my friends (who were boys) would come by to hang out, I told them I couldn't play cause I was sick or my parents wouldn't let me to get out of going outside. I lost all of my friends that summer and spent the whole 3 months indoors doing nothing. I'm pretty sure it was childhood depression or something. I refused to wear a bra and threw away all the bras my mom bought for me; I was in a constant struggle with her because I was around a size B at that point and it was really easy to tell that I wasn't ever wearing a bra. Finally I caved in out of embarrassment that it's such a horrible thing when people can see your nipples through a shirt and I hated how they looked anyway, so I finally wore a bra for the first time ever on the first day of 7th grade at the age of 13.

    To gloss over the horrors of high school I'll just say that I tried to be a little more girly but it was always out of my comfort zone. I started wearing a little makeup around the age of 16 but not often and it always seemed like a hassle to put on. I had accepted that I had to live as a female so I was no longer super bothered by this but I never felt comfortable or satisfied, EVER. It's kind of like there was a constant black hole over everything I ever did, so no matter how nice it was (winning a medal in band, getting good grades, being asked out, etc) it always felt... just not good.

    So to sum this up, I began researching non binary gender and trans things a few months ago (I knew absolutely nothing about anything) and found myself relating to a lot of it. Right now, I am 85% sure I'm trans and 80% sure I would like to transition pretty soon.

    I'm just having a lot of trouble with this, I haven't come out to anyone because I am most definitely not in a safe environment while living with my grandparents. I would move out in a heart beat but I currently have no job and there is some orthodontia care that needs to be cleared up first. In August I'm having a major surgery to correct under bite so I can't do anything until at least November or December. I'm just feeling very stuck. The only person I think I can tell is my mom but even if I tell her now, there's nothing she or anyone can do until after my surgery and I am healed and my braces are off. I can't even let her know to see if I would like being called by male pronouns until we move out and since my mom recently got laid off, I don't see that happening very soon. I'm just really stressed out over everything :bang:

    So everything really sucks. Thanks for letting me vent :tears:
     
  2. KayJay

    Full Member

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    I relate quite a lot to the ending bit of your story.

    I was in a position where I felt coming out where I was living would be unsafe, I just felt like I was in an unsafe environment. Mostly because of my step father. I ended up moving to my real dad's house right after high school, though the move was sort of forced... After 3 years of living here I finally came out.

    I really wish I had an answer for you :frowning2: the only thing I can think to say is that it gets better (the super most cliche thing that people would tell me). (*hug*)
     
  3. Ravi-VIXX777

    Regular Member

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    There isn't much of anything you can do, I'm so sorry! Maybe you should continue connecting with transgendered people online or trangender youtubers for comfort. (Empty Closets is one of them!) Continue to give time more time, you will be out of the hole you're stuck in soon. Goodluck with everything! Maybe you could have people call you by an androgynous name if that helps? Welcome to EC by the way!
     
  4. Owl333

    Owl333 Guest

    I'm so sorry. That must be really hard. (*hug*) If you can't do anything at the moment just remember it gets better, you'll be free to be who you are one day. Stay strong my friend! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  5. oncetherewasa

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Thanks for the replies you guys, I really am holding on with the hope that things will get drastically better within the next year or so. I just have to practice being very patient :slight_smile: