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My friends don't see me the way I see myself

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by darkcomesoon, Jun 15, 2014.

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  1. darkcomesoon

    darkcomesoon
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    Really, they don't see me the way I actually look.

    I'm genderfluid, but I lean towards the more masculine side of things, and more often than not, I feel very uncomfortable looking too feminine. I used to have pretty long hair, but I cut it off, and it's quite short now. I've been dressing more androgynous/masculine when I can (though my clothing options are limited at the moment). I feel a lot better about the way I look.

    Still, my friends seem to see me as the person I used to be. I was feeling almost 100% male on Friday, but my friend drew a picture of me and her as part of an activity we were doing in Spanish class, and she drew me in a dress, with long hair in a pony tail.

    That's not what I look like, and that's really not how I want to be seen. It sucks knowing that no matter what I do, my friends still see me as not just a girl, but a pretty girly girl (even though really, I've never been girly. Even when I had longer hair and dressed more femininely, I never wore dresses unless I had to. Her viewing me this way hardly even makes sense). I know I can't change their perception of my gender without coming out to them (my friends have known me for too long to see me as anything but a girl without a real, conscious effort to change their perception of me), but I thought maybe I could at least get them to see me as a more androgynous person. It makes me really uncomfortable to be seen as so feminine, and I don't know how to tell them that.

    So I guess 75% of the point of this was just to rant, but the other 25% is that I'm wondering if there's a way I can tell my friends that I don't want them to think of me as such a feminine person without having to come out to them or anything. It just feels weird to me to tell them something like that, but at the same time, it's important to me that they know, or at least that they see me the right way.
     
    #1 darkcomesoon, Jun 15, 2014
  2. Tai

    Tai
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    I'm just like you (except I haven't had the courage to chop my long hair off yet, but I really want to >.<). I've been friends with my two besties since kindergarten, but as I've slowly been transitioning into a heavily-male-based genderfluid person, my friends finally acknowledge me as being boy-ish. Whenever gender comes up in a conversation or counting how many girls or guys are in a group, they always call me a hermaphrodite (as a joke, what they really mean is half guy). I haven't come out yet but I'm sure when I do, they won't be surprised. They'll just say, "Your point is? We've established this a while ago," or something like that. XD

    I'm sorry your friends haven't caught on as quickly. How long have you been hoping they would start to recognize you as more masculine? Mine was a long, drawn-out process, so much so that I don't really know the time-frame. Maybe a half a year to a full year? Bit by bit, they started to see me for what I wanted to be seen as. Also, how quickly have you made your own changes? If they're in a short time span, they probably just see it as a phase and may think you'll grow out of it soon. I changed things about myself fairly slowly, slow enough that my friends could witness each small development towards masculinity at a time. Time may be your problem; if you've just given them a few months, try a little longer.

    However, if it's been longer than that, you can drop hints in conversation. And you can drop hints in personal preferences, such as colors and clothing. I used to stay away from pink clothing, objects, etc. and I still do. Sometimes I'll tell my girly friend, "You wear pink a lot/way too much." When we're looking at objects online together (swimsuits, backpacks, shoes, etc.) I would say something like, "You might like this one [points to a pink girly swimsuit], but that would just make me feel awkward. It's too revealing." Another thing with bathing suits is that I try to find modest ones that aren't necessarily my age. Or you can find a suitable sports bra and buy some swimming trunks that would be adequate swimwear.

    I trained my voice for I don't know how long, it was over my time span of transitioning, to be more deep and now it's got quite a range. I just tried to talk in as low a voice as I could, without it sounding unnatural, when people talked to me. This has helped my friends understand, too.

    Of course, you can always draw a picture for that project in Spanish class of you with short hair and boyish features. Then show it off to them. :wink:
     
    #2 Tai, Jun 15, 2014
  3. darkcomesoon

    darkcomesoon
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    Thanks for the advice :slight_smile:

    I think I'll give them a bit more time (I made the changes as gradually as I was willing, but it's still only been a few months) and if they really don't seem to get the point, I'll start dropping hints.
     
    #3 darkcomesoon, Jun 16, 2014
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