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How Do Trans People Do It?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Snidi, Jun 16, 2014.

  1. Snidi

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    You know, I'm immensely confused about my gender right now. I've always been the more sensitive guy, which is fine, to a degree. But it dives deeper than that- when I really wish I can just act over the top meek and girlish, and not have to put on a tough guy front. And I fantasize about myself being a girl on almost a daily basis- wearing something pretty, doing a dance, whatever. I could easily see my social anxiety and discomfort being removed if I were female, as well as my depression.

    But with all the obstacles in my way, how could I ever transition?

    Trans girls have to:

    1. Know for certain that they want to change. I suppose this knowledge would come naturally to some? For me, I'd be very unsure, as I still have lingering parts of me that are masculine, even if I feel like I'd be more femme. (!!!!)

    2. Give up their former identity entirely- essentially being reborn, in image and name. This is something I would have immense trouble doing- I like myself, I just wish I can act more feminine.

    3. Tell all their family and friends- this would be something that would be absolutely terrifying- to tell people, especially parents, about a change like this. Which brings looks of disappointment, unless you come from an extremely unconventional background.

    4. Go through a lengthy life changing procedure.

    5. Even still, have it extremely hard socially- I recognize that gender reassignment changes the gender for the most part to become the other, but it's still not always a complete 360. Trans always have that hidden history of being once another gender- for me I'd feel like I was still hiding something. And holy cow, I can imagine with it's like for tall guys with super masculine builds! I myself, if I were to hypothetically change, would fit the female mold rather nicely, but for some it wouldn't always be this way.

    6. (Sometimes)- still be gay or lesbian in their new body- Yes, I would still be a lesbian if i were to hypothetically go with this type of change. Which I suppose would be much better than being straight, as many straight guys are more hostile about dating a trans.



    So yeah. I could never tell if I would ever have the power to do this, even for a second, though I can't say I'm thrilled with things the way they are now either. And I could really use some help. But I will say, I have immense respect for the trans community, to be able to endure such transformations in their lives. It's unreal.
     
    #1 Snidi, Jun 16, 2014
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  2. KayJay

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    Not something I normally do, but I will comment on each of the things you talked about instead of making a big huge paragraph response. I'm not trying to push you into transitioning, I apologize if it comes off that way. It is up to you :slight_smile:

    1. I don't think any woman is entirely feminine, we also have some masculine traits about us! I sort of just knew, I ended up in a situation where it was either transition or not live anymore.

    2. You don't have to give up who you are. You will still be you, even more so than before! I remember shopping for a whole new wardrobe, gosh was that overwhelming and at the same time amazing because I didn't feel the societal pressures of dressing a certain way because of my gender.

    3. This part is all true. Sadly it is a really terrifying experience. There can be all sorts of different reactions you get from people. Total support, acceptance, denial. You will never know how people will act until you discuss it with them though. I think in a way this was the hardest part about transitioning for me.

    4. You didn't touch on this point much but it is a big one! Some people ask when I think I will be "done", which is silly. It is very life changing and stressful, especially if you are doing this on a low income. I have had a few friends who went with me to appointments and were there for a lot of things that I have went through to be able to transition. You really learn a lot about yourself transitioning.

    5. I totally know what you mean. Everyday I feel sad that I have this male skeleton. I will always have obvious "tells" about me no matter what I do to my body where someone with a keen eye can see my past. The thing is that it isn't about them and how they see you. It is about you, you need to be happy in your body and if you feel good that is what matters. I remember the first time I was called Miss in public, that was such a great feeling. I don't really ever get pronouned when I am out and about because I think people might not be able to tell and don't want to offend me or something. They may not see that I am a woman, but I know that I am and I think that is what counts.

    6. I've never had a real relationship but I have been looking. A long time ago I used online dating sites and I actually never had any bi/lesbian women respond or message to me. It was primarily guys. Granted about 90% of them were just after sex, there was a very small few interested in me as a person and not an object. I'm not good at this sort of stuff though so I don't feel confident in whatever point I am even trying to make here lol.

    Well, I hope that some what helped you. This was all based on my personal experiences and perspectives on things. Like I said at the beginning it is up to you in the end, I hope that whatever you decide to do makes you happy! (*hug*)

    P.S. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me :slight_smile:
     
  3. Just Jess

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    Sorry if I hit on anything already covered, I just wanted to put my own perspective out there on a couple of these

    So this has some truth to it, some not so much truth to it.

    You know how if you come out gay to people. New people that you meet will know, because your friends will tell them most of the time. Except some new people won't, so you have to come out to them all over again. And all the people from your old life that you told, that decided to stay in your life, know about the real you, the one without any secrets. And there are generally just a ton of people who don't know, who you just don't feel like telling, because it's exhausting and pointless?

    Well that's a lot like being trans, except some people do admittedly get more bent out of shape about a former male life than a former straight life.

    I mean the transition period isn't really any more a part of who I am than the coming out period is part of who a cis gay person is. I was pretending to be one thing, I came out, I am fixing some disabilities I have that were getting in the way of my life, and I'm moving on with who I really am. If other people want to dwell on my past they sure can, I just don't have to make time for them.

    Otherwise, there are some things about me that are new, because I can be me in front of other people for the first time, and that experience changes me. But there's a lot from my old life that's still there. We do have to pick and choose, just like anyone else that was in a closet, what to keep with us from our closeted life. But it's not really a clean break.

    Unless, of course, you want it to be a clean break. But I mean, it's a choice.

    So I will grant this. I mean with us it's not "here's some glasses, your problem is solved" or anything. But really, every single step for me anyway has been like a weight dropping off my shoulders.
    So the way I see it, I'm not doing this to be a "real woman" (TM) :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: I know what you mean and am totally not trying to make you feel bad, just that's I feel the best place to start trying to describe what all this means to me. I have some things that were getting in the way of my life, and making me miserable. I can't begin to describe - now that I have some distance from it - how awful being on testosterone was. I don't have to act all the time. It's possible for me to have a sexual relationship with another person now. I can focus on my life goals - and am even making headway toward them.

    If someone else does not want to consider me a woman, frankly, they can pardon my bad English blow it out their ass :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    My past is what it is. I don't hide it, I don't broadcast it. I pretended to be a man, at a great cost to myself and the people closest to me, for a long time. I came out, I tried to patch up some of the harm, I dealt with some bigotry - a lot less than I had expected - and I started fixing my problems.

    Sure there are some internal problems, when other people treat me like a boy. The word "sir" causes a lot of changes inside me. I feel a ton of despair, my voice lowers on its own, I feel absolutely disgusting. It's all automatic, before I even have time to process what was even being said. So I mean I am not going to say that the social role is completely irrelevant, I do need to be accepted as a woman. It does not make sense to me either, but it is there. But there is tons about the female role that is stuff I just put up with. So really, what most people would consider "completely a woman" is not something I want to be to begin with. I may be nice and soft and empathetic and a lot of things people associate with femininity, and I developed a lot of those life skills a lot of boys excuse themselves from learning, but I am a businesswoman and an engineer too. A lot of my female friends are punkish and artists, and cis or trans they aren't exactly stepford wives either.

    And I am not the kind of person who would have time to be a good mom. I have too much going on in my life and decided my life goals would be kids enough for me. So put it all together, and what medical technology is currently capable of, is enough to fix my problems and focus on the things in my life that are important to me.

    Or to go back to the analogy, I may not have perfect replacement eyeballs, but you know, I have glasses, and I can see fine for a change. And that's really enough.

    And you know... not as big a deal as I thought going in. Being trans makes you a lot more open minded about your sexuality for sure. With me it's more "I can't make myself like guys" than "guys are gross". Yeah, my sexuality does mean that I bump heads with some people right here in the LGBT community, and some people calling themselves feminists, and that does suck that people that claim to be on my side hate me just for being who I am. It was a real gut punch the first time I heard the word "pretendbian". But I mean, welcome to being gay, you know? Some people just are not going to like you, and you can either go back into the closet to make them happy or keep being you. And yeah, being gay does mean that some people have a harder time seeing me as a woman. But it really would not be easier if I were straight. Ignorance is ignorance and straight trans people have do deal with something called "erasure" and basically being treated like gay members of their former sex. Either way the problem is the same; people just have hang-ups about accepting us for who we are gender wise.

    Mostly though, coming out and being queer is coming out and being queer. All of us trans people do it gay or straight. So I mean, telling people about your sexuality, we have a chance to get used to it. If it drifts ever, it does; I doubt it would change things at all with whoever I am spending my life with.

    Some people end up viewing me as a gay man anyway - especially after they find out I'm dating another male-to-female transitioner. Their views just do not matter as much to me as they used to. Gay men are awesomesauce anyway, and I know from experience I can't make myself like a guy no matter how much I try, and I'm definitely compatible with other women, so who cares. Not going to lie, there are some currently awkward incompatibilities with my current girlfriend, more on my end than hers. But my view is, love is love. When love and attraction there - and she is definitely my type - two creative people can get past a few hang-ups that will be surgically corrected eventually anyway.

    I think a lot of us... we're put into situations where maybe we have to become brave, but we're normal people. This stuff cuts across all lines. There's jerks who are transsexual, there's cool people, there's average joes, there's weirdos. We just all have some parts of us that clash with other parts of us, and some of us manage to fix those problems and move on. Some others manage to work around those problems in other ways, and that's okay too.

    So I really appreciate the sentiment :slight_smile: But we're not all that brave deep down, just in a bad situation. I guess I'm here though because, when I first came out and went through the most painful part of my transition, I had people helping me... not really helping me, better, helping me help myself. I had the gay community to lean on while I fixed the problems in my life. Really no different from someone terrified their parents will find out they have a boyfriend and they are a boy. They need to make changes in their life, and so did I.

    So that's what I try to do here. I don't encourage people to do what I did if it's not right for them. But I sincerely hope, however you do it, that you can fix whatever problems are in your life that are holding you back :slight_smile: I think it would be awesome if you were thrilled with how things are going and will help in any way I can.
     
  4. An Gentleman

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    To tell the truth, I'm only trying to transition because it would be a lot worse if I didn't.
    Just make sure it's right for you, and if it is, I hope it will be worth it for you.
    That's really all I can say.
     
  5. Nick07

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    I believe everything you said is valid. I wouldn't call them brave though. Trans people simply hope/believe that it will make their life better. And it's a long process (years).
    Keep testing waters, try to do baby steps and give yourself permission to pause/ stop/ wait/ take a step back if it doesn't feel right. Along the way you will find out what is the best solution for YOU.
     
  6. PeytonRose

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    I tested the waters, which is what transitioning is all about. Take some time, tell some close people in your life what you're going through and just be yourself around them. Feel like wearing a dress??? Then do it!! Transitioning isn't about doing something for other people, it's about being ok with you. If something doesn't feel comfortable then don't do it. As I'm sure you're hearing a lot feel free to message me with questions if you have them. There is no single transition story that is the exact same and it's a pretty personal and individual experience. I'm more than happy to share my experience thus far though I'm pre-hrt and hoping to start by the end of the summer. Truth be told though there are trans people out there completely happy without hormones and surgery
     
  7. 741852963

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    Interestingly I don't think its entirely about being masculine or feminine, theres something else involved. For example, you get transwomen who identify as being butch, and transmen who identify as femme. So I think the desire for the physical transformation (adopting the opposite genders body or form) is probably the stronger factor, and that sometimes exists in combination with the masculinity/femininity but not always.

    I think the main thing is, do you want to do typically feminine activities/hobbies and act feminine, or do you want to be a woman? If its the former you can do that in your own body, it would just be a case of ignoring any self-limiting beliefs or challenging people's perceptions. If its the latter than it may be gender dysphoria. As far as I'm aware it doesn't necessarily mean you have to transition (plenty of trans people decide to just stick in their given bodies/genders clothes), but its just an option.

    Ultimately only you can decide.
     
  8. Snidi

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    I'm definitely unsure. I suppose I want/wish to be a woman (at least sometimes), and when I picture myself in a personal "paradise", it is often as a woman, lying down in a bed of flowers or dancing through a garden.

    The real question is whether I'm willing to alter my identity entirely and go through hoops of fire to get there. Which I'm far more reluctant to do, than if womanhood were simply thrust upon me.

    I suppose the biggest pros of being a woman are:

    1. Not being expected to act tough, and have complete freedom of emotions, to show vulnerability and sensitivity very easily to people without getting weird looks

    2. Being able to have a lot of pretty and colorful clothing options- dresses, heels, lipstick- it all just feels so natural and comfortable.

    In turn, I don't find so many benefits to being a guy, at least none as appealing as womanhood.

    But am I so willing to chop off my penis to get there? Not likely. :/ So I'm basically stuck in this middle realm, which is really lame and restricting, even depressing sometimes.
     
    #8 Snidi, Jun 19, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2014
  9. KayJay

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    Just throwing this out there but you do not have to have your penis removed if you do not want to. By becoming a woman you do give up power in the world, I'm not trying to be sexist but in the world today men just generally have a bit more power, which to some could be a huge con. I wish everyone was equal but it is just a sad truth.

    It seems it might be best to talk to a gender therapist perhaps (I just sort of learned about them from a different thread lol).
     
  10. Wuggums47

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    1. Know for certain that they want to change. I suppose this knowledge would come naturally to some? For me, I'd be very unsure, as I still have lingering parts of me that are masculine, even if I feel like I'd be more femme. (!!!!)

    Barely anyone is 100% masculine or feminine. You are you, and to be sure that you want to change, try to picture a life where you don't. Would you probably still be happy? If so then maybe you shouldn't. But if your here, odds are it's because you know you wouldn't be happy.

    2. Give up their former identity entirely- essentially being reborn, in image and name. This is something I would have immense trouble doing- I like myself, I just wish I can act more feminine.

    You don't need to give up all of your identity, just the stuff you've been faking the whole time.

    3. Tell all their family and friends- this would be something that would be absolutely terrifying- to tell people, especially parents, about a change like this. Which brings looks of disappointment, unless you come from an extremely unconventional background.

    Well, that definitely is tough, but just remember, if they wouldn't accept you over something like this, then they never deserved to know you in the first place.

    4. Go through a lengthy life changing procedure.

    It's not easy, but I think that for the people who do it, being able to look in the mirror one day and see themselves the way they've wanted to be makes it worthwhile.

    5. Even still, have it extremely hard socially- I recognize that gender reassignment changes the gender for the most part to become the other, but it's still not always a complete 360. Trans always have that hidden history of being once another gender- for me I'd feel like I was still hiding something. And holy cow, I can imagine with it's like for tall guys with super masculine builds! I myself, if I were to hypothetically change, would fit the female mold rather nicely, but for some it wouldn't always be this way.

    Yeah, sometimes you can tell by looking that someone's transgender. As it is, most people who see me think I'm a woman, and that makes me feel a bit more comfortable than if they all thought I was a man. I would probably transition well if I wanted to.

    6. (Sometimes)- still be gay or lesbian in their new body- Yes, I would still be a lesbian if i were to hypothetically go with this type of change. Which I suppose would be much better than being straight, as many straight guys are more hostile about dating a trans.

    I've run in to the ignorant comment before: "So if your going to become a transgender lesbian/gay man, what's the point" a lot of people don't even realize that gender is an entirely different thing than sexuality. Not too long ago someone made a thread asking if lesbians would date a trans woman. Most of them said yes, so if the people on this site are indicative of the rest of the community, then thing's are looking pretty good for you.
     
  11. Snidi

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    I would argue against this, at least part of the time. Besides, with great power comes great responsibility- and it's often responsibility I do not wish to handle.

    Honestly, women are pretty much equal to men in many first world countries, aside from being threatened by men and sexually abused in bad situations (unfortunately)

    1. Women have lower salaries in certain professions, but often get more time off for things like pregnancy.

    2. Women have more access to jobs in general- people are more willing to hire women than men in most situations (aside from "tough" jobs like construction, where women would be more discriminated against). Gosh, how I wish I could be a babysitter or get a simple job without too much pressure.

    3. Women have an infinite amount more emotional freedom.

    Granted, it's a trade off, but I wouldn't say being a woman is entirely worse these days- I'd say it ultimately comes down to which gender is more comfortable for you. Many men get turned on and fueled by competition- but I despise competition- I just want to stick to myself most of the time.

    Anyway, I'm not sure what to think anymore. Perhaps being treated more gently in an aggressive society is just a pipe dream..... :/
     
  12. Just Jess

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    So I will take myself out of this.

    But I have worked several jobs centered around software or electrical engineering. Not only are the ratios heavily skewed, but if you go into the marketing department, the ratios are heavily skewed in the other direction. Boys get to hack, girls get to talk on phones.

    The reason women have lower salaries on average, in my opinion, is because there are simply fewer of them - life science work including medicine, and legal work being the only exceptions IMO - that do the kinds of professional jobs people go for master's degrees and PhDs to get.

    Worldwide, there is no gender gap when it comes to mathematical or scientific ability. It only exists in first world countries. Even at my school, there were a lot of women teaching and, while usually a third or less, there was still a much better ratio than out in the business world.

    Women don't have an easier time getting jobs, they just shoot lower. Bringing myself back into things, I filled out an online app for a delivery driver position in "guy mode" when I needed something part time to make ends meet.

    I had an interview the very next day. And had calls from 4 other restaurants I had to turn down after I was hired.

    ---------- Post added 19th Jun 2014 at 06:31 PM ----------

    I don't want to take this thread off in a tangent though :frowning2: Sorry for the amount I already have. We each have our opinions and I respect yours. I am here for support. I just wanted you to be aware that the things you were saying were controversial. You're talking to a lot of people that see things in a different way when it comes to gender politics.

    Then again I'm not a huge fan of political discussions anyway. Back to helping!

    So I do want to ask, if you had a female partner that treated you more like an equal than a traditional husband, would that help you in any way?
     
  13. PeytonRose

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    Being a woman isn't about the parts you have or don't have. It's about how you feel about yourself as a person. It's a lesson I've had issues learning myself....
     
  14. Snidi

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    You're right. I guess, the types of jobs that I'm after as a liberal arts major, who doesn't want to do physical labor- women have it easier on that end. So the "gender stereotypes" in jobs is still very apparent, unfortunately. Not to mention I really don't like wearing suits and ties, so that narrows down the job list more.

    I definitely feel like having a female partner who was accommodating would definitely be of big help- a lot of the problem I face as a guy is dealing with women who often go for headstrong jerks. The other half is dealing with jobs. That's why I think my gender dysphoria has jumped dramatically since entering the working world.

    Would I want a sex change? Maybe not. But am I depressed about this? You betcha.