Born in the wrong body and not sure what my "true" gender is.

I have experienced the realization of having been born in the wrong body twice.

Ever since I was very young, I felt as if there was something "off" about me. I remember suddenly crying about this, when I was about 3 years old, yet when I was asked about my behavior, I didn't know how to answer.

I remember when I was a child, wishing with all of my heart that I could be a boy. For a very long time, I considered myself to be a tomboy. I always had an intense desire/leaning towards men's fashions, as well as many other things that will probably never be associated with femininity.

As I got older, I tried to accept that I was "different" but, I never felt right. Trying to embrace my difference never gave me any answers.

At some point these feelings really started to get intense. I didn't know what they meant. All I knew was that I wanted to be a male. I had to fight so hard not to tell anyone about it because, I got the feeling that it wasn't a good idea. One day, I told my grandmother, which I ended up regretting. She didn't understand at all. She merely attributed my feelings to how being a female could sometimes be very hard and that I basically had to toughen up and not let things bother me so much seeing as God had made me female. She also proceeded to forbid me from telling anyone else about this.

My feelings didn't go away. Instead, they intensified with time. One day, my mother confronted me in the bathroom, asking me along the lines, whether I ever felt "different" or if I didn't truly belong. Well, I basically ended up spilling the beans. I regret doing this as well. It wasn't a particularly pleasant experience and as such, my memory on this is a little blurry. I am not sure if she was upset. Eventually, my disclosure caused her to go into an deep depression that lasted for a long time.

When she came out, she actually managed to do research on the subject. She told me that I was transgender, as well as the surgical process that I would have to undergo. She also tried to diagnose me to see if I met the criterion for being transgender. I am not sure if this is what she intended but, her diagnostic methods left me a little confused as to whether or not I was truly a trans person. According to her, I had to meet these "symptoms" to a t and if I didn't, that meant that I wasn't truly trans. If I couldn't properly answer these questions, no doctor would take me seriously enough to let me transition.

Some time went on and the possibility of being trans was really making me upset. I got so fed up with it that I ended up concocting this theory meant to rationalize why I felt the way that I felt. According to this theory, I couldn't be transgender because, I wanted to wear boy's clothing as well as the fact that I blamed everyone's problems on the fact that I had been born female. (None of this makes sense to me now.) (The thought/act of wearing women's clothing makes me feel like a man drag.)

I was so relieved that I wasn't transgender that I did my best to ignore this period in my life. I kept telling myself that I was female and that I had to deal with it. This never felt right to me.

I am currently going through the second time of questioning my gender. I currently identify as being a genderqueer. I feel as though I am neither gender. However, after really giving it thought, I have come to realize that I never was nor ever will be cisgender female. I was definitely born in the wrong body.

It pains me that people will probably always see me as being a female. I feel like I have been living a lie my whole life. I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life suffering from this.

 

Thanks for your comment. I don't have any qualms about getting advice on this.

---------- Post added 19th Jun 2014 at 12:22 AM ----------

Thanks.