"Dazed" and confused: transitioning at 30 yrs old?

Hi all,

I'm new to EC. I've been reading posts on EC for a while now, but I could't bring myself to write. But finally.. Here I am. English isn't my mother tongue, so sorry in advance for any grammar errors (and for the length of this post). I actually post this before in the "LGBT later in life" section but I've been suggested to re-post it here.

I'm a 32 yrs old.. well.. person who has recently started questioning their gender.
I was born biologically female and, apart from a very brief period of my life (until I was 6 yrs old, when I actually liked skirts and pink) I've always been a tomboy, with short hair and gender-neutral clothes.
I've never questioned my gender, mostly because I didn't even know that it was something you can really question. What I mean is that I've always wanted to wear men clothes and not having breast BUT I've never actually thought "I want to be a boy". I don't know if it was because I didn't know it was something that was actually possible or because in the end I'm not trans.

During high school sometimes I thought I liked boys because I liked their bodies, even if I always ended up trying to imitate or behaving like the guys I thought I liked. Back then I wasn't educated on the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity, so I thought I was a straight female who actually liked male bodies. That was until I was 19 when I was forced to admit that I didn't actually like to have intimacy with males and that I actually liked women. But I still couldn't explain why even if I didn't want to have sex with men I "liked" their bodies (Was I bisexual?).
Now I think that I might have confused attraction with envy (but more about confirmation bias later). To complicate things, for me it was difficult (and sometimes it still is) to understand and accept my sexuality mostly because of something that happened to me when I was a kid that has been always interfering with my feelings and with my attempt to be intimate or even social with people.

Anyway, in my 20s I came out as a lesbian but it didn't go well and, because of that and for a thousand other reasons, I then forced myself back into the closet.. Until last year when I decided that it was my last possible moment (long story) to come to terms with who I was. I came out again to my mother and some friends and now I'm finally out of the damn closet. And I was so happy not having to hide myself anymore.
But what happened soon later it was that all these other thoughts started wandering in my brain. Thoughts about my body that I've always hated, about me not wanting a breasts and me sometimes feeling I have a phantom penis. I started to do some online research on the subject, to watch videos on Youtube, to talk about it with my therapist..
And I started to freak out because now I may have a name for me hating my body so much: it's gender dysphoria. But when I look online all I can find are videos and blogs of young people, who "always knew" they were trans. So I started wondering if all of this mess in my brain is unreal and maybe I got confirmation biases when I looked for "clues" in my past.

I'm in a kinda bad place right now: sometimes I'm really upset because of gender dysphoria, and I'd give everything to be able to get rid of my chest and my female body and I freak out because I know that I can't afford to physically transitioning; sometimes I freak out thinking about the reaction that my mother, my family and my friends would have if I told them; sometimes I freak out because I think that maybe all this mess and this feelings are actually unreal, that I'm not trans or genderqueer but instead a cisgender female who just got mental.
Even if I've always been pretty good to separate my body from my mind and shut down feelings since childhood so that I can deal with everyday life and work as a "robot", these thoughts started to interfere and it's become harder to focus on work and social life.

So, to sum everything up.. I'd be very thankful if anybody would feel like answering me: Is it possible for this gender confusion to start so late in life? Can confirmation biases and, on the other hand, some childhood bad things interfere with your gender identity? And, if you actually realize you're transgender so late, how do you deal with it?


Thank you for your patience in reading this superlong rambling and confused post..

 

Thanks for answering me! I kind of know that there are people transitioning later in life, but what confused me is that a lot of them always say that even if the didn't transition earlier, they always knew. Maybe I'm just not confident because I don't feel "trans" enough (I know it's not a fair feeling, but I can't help it).

 

I really hate gender stereotypes and roles, I do think that everybody should be free to express their gender without others sticking their nose into it. In my opinion gender expression and gender identity are two distinct things. But I understand it may generate confusion.

I feel like my confusion has nothing to do with gender stereotypes since I've never bothered to fit into "the perfect female role". What I feel is that my body is not connected with who I am.. or sometimes I feel like I have a "different" imaginary male body inside my biological body. But the fact that I always see just young trans* people made me wonder if my confusion was unreal.
Thanks for answering!

 

These are really good questions and I think I don't have clear answers yet. But let's try.
First of all, if we're talking about a real mirror.. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I do it just if I really have to, because I'm really uncomfortable in my body.. I can tolerate it when I bind and when I feel in shape because my hips protrude less, but that doesn't happen often. Otherwise I see.. a person who isn't myself or with whom I cannot identify.
Is this because I'm not cisgender or because I hate my body since childhood (or both)? I don't know.

It's just that if I look into my past, I can find a lot of "clues" that could indicate that I'm trans/androgyne, but sometimes I get skeptical since I start thinking that maybe I'm biased because I'm looking for confirmations.

 

Same here! Until I stumbled upon a transguy's video on youtube, who talked about his life, I really didn't know that being transsexual or transgender could be something that can regard "ordinary" people. In my home country there wasn't and isn't a lot of information about the T letter in the LGBT world (and the only information delivered by the media is 90% awful,uneducated and discriminatory): they only talked about the MtF "trannies" (how much I hate this word) who prostitute themselves for a living. Now it's getting slightly better, but still.. So basically I was able to start educating myself when I actually moved to US.

I actually wanted to be a boy.. it's difficult to explain: a lot of times I thought that I want to be like that kid in the movie or in my class. But it was such an odd thought (like: "I want a unicorn") that I didn't do anything about it. I didn't know that you would be allowed to think something like that. So I never said "I want to be a boy" because it was something that seemed unreal, like wanting a different skin color or to be taller: it's something that you can't change, so you don't even bother thinking about it and in the end I didn't think about that a lot. But I did love (also later in life) when I got mistaken for a boy, that was awesome! It's so hard to explain.. (and, again, maybe I'm just looking for confirmation and I'm getting biased)

5 years from now.. I don't see myself as a cisfemale. I really hope I won't be. It would be fantastic if my chest has magically disappeared and I have a more masculine body (daydreaming about the fact that I'd be able to afford it and have the courage to face my family and the world).

 

Your words are indeed helpful. I'm really sorry for what happened to you when you were younger but I'm happy that you're now in such a better place, you are really brave.
I'll try to let my age not bothering me so much and just focus on what makes me feel better with myself.
Thank you!

---------- Post added 21st Jun 2014 at 03:53 PM ----------

I've been seeing a therapist for the last few months and she is specialized in GID, so she manages to help a lot, most of all with my self hate and other stuff.

You're right, we only have this one life and I've already been in the closet for an unhealthy amount of years, that's why I finally decided to seek professional help and also to join EC.. and this already seems one of the best decisions I've ever made.

---------- Post added 21st Jun 2014 at 03:54 PM ----------

Thanks! (*hug*)