I've been looking for a very long time for my gender identity using the internet and my self-image. I came across many identities through my research, but none of them seemed to describe me. The ones that mostly seemed to be close to me were demiguy and transmasculine. And now... I found this: nonbinary butch | The Thinking Asexual I can relate to everything this person wrote there and it makes me wonder if it's right for me to identify myself as a non-binary butch. I don't dress and act in a manly way because I was taugh to not be masculine, but I'd feel much more comfortable if I could be like that for the same reasons that person does. Is it wrong? I mean... It almost feels like I'm a woman in denial or something like that... And I'm female bodied, but I don't want people to see me as a girl. I hate being checked by males, I don't like very feminine things and feel ashamed when I do, but I don't identify myself as a man. It's like... Having a brain that feels ok with it's body, but you feel as if you should follow the male gender role. It's so confusing for me... Is butch nothing more than my gender expression? Is gender expression something so important at this point(identify myself as non-binary butch)? If that's the case, then I never thought that acting in a feminine/masculine/neutral/androgyne way would be something that makes you being yourself like that. When I don't act in the way I feel comfortable(in the way men are supposed to act in society's opinion) I feel like I'm not being myself. I also don't think that's the only problem with that. What if being masculine is not really my true self? There are times I try enjoying something "feminine" and feel ashamed because of that. My stepmother bought me a new jacket, but I didn't liked it at first because it was too "feminine". The reverse doesn't happen to me though. Many times I do things considered "masculine" and I don't really feel bad even if it's something that could make my family embarrassad. The only people annoyed by that are the ones around me. Is it normal for a woman feel this way? Should I stop wanting to embrace so much my masculine side and be a "normal girl"? Is this really my true self? Before someone comes and say "no", I'd like to let you know that I'm like that since my childhood and I've never been abused before, so this theory doesn't work for me. It still bothers me and is making me even more confuse. I know that you guys cannot tell me that I should do this and that, but... I don't know... Do you guys have any advice? Is this how people that do things that are not expected for them to do because of their gender feel like?
I can't really say anything about the label, but, trans men don't have to change their body to be trans men. Many trans men do want to change their body, including me, but others are completely OK with their birth body. They just feel like a man, and therefore are considered men. However, this has been debated before. I just thought I should throw this in in case someone with better explaining skills can elaborate. Best of luck.
Just be you. I understand the desire to find a label that fits, but chances are even the best-fitting label won't be 100%.
Sorry for posting so close together, but I just wanted to second this post. Suninthesky says it well.
I tend to see butch and drag as more ways of being. I think cis women can dress in drag, if they're taking their femininity to the nines like a queen does. And I think there are butch cis men. Whatever words you pick to describe yourself, it's you that you are describing. There are probably tons of people that have a mismatch very like my own, that found different ways to deal with it. Some of those ways almost definitely involve finding a place in the gay community. And if that works for someone, I'm not going to tell them they should transition. They solve their problems their way, I solve mine my way. The kind of gender mismatch I have is disabling. You can't have a "normal" life and be transsexual. I could not have sexual relationships that worked - I tried. My life was pretty much an act I'd kept up so long I forgot it was an act, and reality had a way of seeping through the cracks and destroying things for me. The little breaks I took stopped working after a while. Dressing up started feeling more like dressing up and less like being me, and set off those parts of me that screamed that this was wrong. My hormones, I don't even want to get started on that roller coaster or what it did to me on the inside. Another thing you notice when you are trans is that other people just plain suck at separating sexuality and gender. It's not just with us trans people. Cis gay people have to deal with "so which one of you is the guy". If you like guys, people see you as more of a woman, and if you like girls, people see you as more of a man. And to make things worse, gender roles basically don't work for anyone. Not completely. If you are cis and gay, you can't have a normal life either. Just like with us trans people, the world is just going to keep trying to cram you in boxes that don't fit. So, I mean, if a cis gay woman, or a trans straight guy, if they find some solace being butch, I say, go you. You solved.your problem, in a way that works for you. Me, I needed to do a few other things to solve mine. Balancing my hormones, and not fighting myself, and being honest with the women I date about the fact that I'm not really a guy in the way they need a guy to be, has made a lot of things better. I still don't have a normal life, but that's okay. I have a life that's better for me. I am fulfilling some of my life dreams - I have someone helping me with grant writing for my business, pro bono! I am starting to understand what day to day is to other people, and the people I was pretending to be a lot better, and exactly what it was I was missing all those years I was acting. So I mean, if someone else, managed to get to the point I'm moving towards, and they did it by telling people they were butch, who the heck am I to crap on that? Who the heck am I to say "well if you feel like you are really a guy you should medically transition". The only reason I would do that is to feel like my transition was more valid. Like I was more of a "real woman". Screw that noise. I'm not a "real woman" in that way. My cis ex girlfriend wasn't that kind of "real woman". None of her friends or family were. I'm a real woman in a different sense, because I'm Jess, and I'm real with people now. And you know what? A butch woman? Is a real woman too. Unless he decides to tell people he's a real man one day. Because you know what? She is being real too.
