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I'm not sure where i fall in all of this:/ I'm confused

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by JessSarlex, Jun 21, 2014.

  1. JessSarlex

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    Hey, I'm not really sure what to say or anything. but here are some of my thoughts and my emotions, feelings and most importantly, my story. . .
    I'm going to be honest with all of you. . . I'm really confused about all of this but I'm also one of those people that doesn't really care. over the past few years I've become apathetic about everything except youtube and film. i don't care really about my family, due to some emotional abuse that has occurred and I'm not sure what to do about this whole sexual orientation, people have asked me where i lay and I've always said straight or something like "almost straight. the thing is that I'm in that "other" category, i don't fall under straight, bisexual, or gay. I'm not asexual, because I'm defiantly attracted to people, but the thing is that I'm not sure where I would fall. see now I'm attracted to girls, defiantly so i know I'm not gay but i have caught myself looking and seeing a guy and thinning to myself "Damn." The thing is that, i know I'm not Bisexual due to the fact that i would not, myself ever sleep with a guy, and then i say that id go as far as kissing but nothing else. another problem is that i haven't been able to feel real emotions in almost a year now, i have the sense of "liking someone" but then i never continue. i mean i don't know what love feels like, i dated this girl a year ago and she abused the crap out of me and cheated on me, told me about it then made me forgive her by going down on me and making me act the way she wanted me to act, i was like a dog on a two inch leash, she treated me like garbage and as a toy. i finally got sick and tired one night after i met the guy she was sleeping with and i officially just stopped talking to her. and haven't spoken to her since, nor will i ever again. so that accounts for my emotional issues and my real questions. the last thing i want to talk and express is the fear of, if i come out as something other than straight what would it be and how would i go about it with my relies family? they are the type of people that say that everyone is wrong except them and how they believe, this nonsense has lead me away from the Church and their way of life. which i am thankful of, but my fear is if i come out to them that they will not understand, i mean like my grandma will(cuz she cool like that) but ill get a lot of "thats a load of bull" and "thats not the real you" and "your choosing to go to Hell" and things of that nature. so please, help me out, and all of this confusion is leading to Depression and I'm not sure what to do. I'm soooooooooo confused with how to do anything and exactly what i am and i just, idk:/
    Sincerely,
    -Jess
     
  2. ProtegeMoi

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    You may be bi-curious. If you wouldn't sleep with a guy you found attractive is it because of your previous background/religion or just that there is no attraction? If you aren't at all physically or romantically attracted to men then I don't see how you'd be anything other than straight with a bit of bi-curiousness.

    I am guessing this thread should be in the sexual orientation forum, unless you are questioning whether you are gendefluid/androgyne/trans as well. Then we can help with that too.
     
  3. JessSarlex

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    well, thats not exactly it, I'm like nothing i don't find people in general that i really want to have sex with, but I'm attracted to a lot of people, I was fully christian and my parents are to, I'm not sure about any of this, but i know that there is something wrong with me and idk what to do
     
  4. ProtegeMoi

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    Firstly, nothing is wrong with you -Youre just figuring out what makes you tick. You don't have to want to have sex either. Is it the actual act of sex or intimacy in general that you're hung up on?
     
  5. JessSarlex

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    im not sure, I'm afraid of relationships cuz of my past and i just don't care, i want to find someone that is like me, alright with never being inament outside the occasional kiss and hand holding but i just don't know where to look, I'm almost about to loose it, I'm on the verge of a break down and I'm just tired of all of the people around me saying "oh you look depressed and sad" but never wanting or offering help. . . i really want to find soeone that i can trust and fall in love with, I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm just looking for someone real and, i just don't know, everyone hates me, the only person that likes me i don't like in the slightest, he is just not at all intresting or appealing. . .
     
  6. ProtegeMoi

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    Everyone hates you, as in classmates? If you're in high school - trust me life gets better. If you're out of school it keeps getting better but you have to work at it and not give up or give in to expectations of others or perceived expectations of others. I think everyone of us could read that last sentence again and find areas where we are no longer making compromises, but are hiding/hating/punishing/withholding and not being authentic and honest with ourselves.

    There are people that aren't super sexual and arent into pda etc. You just have to keep believing that they are out there. Love will surprise you but its super important that you love yourself and are happy with you or working to be the person that you want.

    If you don't - you'll be a broken mess and its hard to love others and be loved because you arent really ready to give your entire heart and soul to someone. I've wasted and ruined so much of my life because of this.

    Keep trying. Little realizations and finding new things that you like about yourself will help you feel better. Its effing impossible not to care what others think. I don't care how many times I've said, "I don't give a shit what anyone thinks!" The truth is we all do. We care more than we want to, but sometimes you just have to say screw it and realize the people that matter will love and accept you - and anyone else doesn't deserve your time. We can't make them get us, but you aren't alone just in the minority. So it'll take a little longer, because there are less people out there, but they are there. When you're ready you'll find them and maybe if theyre ready they'll find you first.

    Keep us updated and know that we're here to help you find you and want you to be happy in a relationship that lets you truly be yourself and be loved for it.
     
    #6 ProtegeMoi, Jun 22, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2014
  7. JessSarlex

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    thanks, I'm just really fucking depressed lately, i don't like it and i am still in hs, but I'm in a home school type thingy so i don't get ppl from school, i have my family put me down for doing the things that i like, like youtube and just film in general, they make me mad and ill yell and now they hate me, i have assholes at work that don't like me either, i just want to get away, i have like no friends that are worth while and there isn't anyone around that i can go to and just give a huge huge huge hug to when i need one, :rolle::tears::help:
     
  8. JessSarlex

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    I'm now feeling better, and i just came out. . . to the entire internet. . . oh God!