Yesterday, I received the appointment date for my first appointment at the gender clinic. Initially, I was afraid to open it but when I did, seeing the date printed on the letter made me feel so relieved that finally, I'm going to get the support I've been waiting for and set the ball rolling with my transition. I admit there is a whole load of things I could have done and could be doing before hand - transitioning socially, changing my name, presenting as male full time- but as some of you may know, things are difficult at home. My family don't support my decision to transition or understand that I am suffering because of my gender dysphoria. I suppose in a way, I was waiting to get to the gender clinic and have someone 'diagnose' me as trans because if a doctor or psychiatrist says I'm trans, my family will sit up and take notice. This sounds so wrong as I am writing it now but I guess I was hoping that an official diagnosis would push my family along the way to accepting me as trans and then I could start to transition more comfortably with their support rather than their criticism.:icon_redf So yesterday, I started filling out the enclosed paperwork to post back to the gender clinic and started to fear that there's no way they're going to take me seriously because of my answers to some of the questions. Among the papers, I spotted an autism screening test which I have completed online before and know full well I score high on the spectrum. I also noticed that some of the questions seemed to relate to how I would rate my weight and body image. As a recovering anorexic who still sometimes has issues around my weight and eating, you can understand why I'm worried. Today, my sister has invited my brother and her boyfriend over for a barbecue. I'm not out as trans to her boyfriend but my whole family (mum, dad, brother & sister) know. So there I was sitting in the garden in jeans, a t-shirt and trainers, hair tied back, no make up (my usual 'look'). I feel awkward. My brother and my sister's boyfriend are stood over the barbecue chatting and cooking the meat, my sister is inside preparing food, my mum is finishing off the gardening and my dad is wandering about making awkward jokes and conversation (as usual). As I've said before, my dad most likely has ASD (asperger's) which is where I've probably got it from. As has always been the case for me in social situations, I feel out of place. I watch the guys at the barbecue thinking I should be over there talking with them but no, I don't feel like I belong. I hover about, just like my dad. I don't know how to join in the conversation, I don't know what to say, I feel awkward and worst of all, I feel childlike. My brother and sister are a few years younger than me yet I feel like they've overtaken me in their level of maturity while I'm left behind. I'm 26 but I still feel like a teenager and that hurts. This out-of-place feeling, not belonging anywhere, feeling like I'm from an alien planet to all of these human beings - I know that this isn't part of being trans. If I was simply a trans guy, I wouldn't feel like this. This is autism. Once again, what I have realised tonight is that changing my body isn't going to fix this disconnect. In fact, I'm not even sure that I am male. Perhaps this whole feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin is just another symptom of ASD? Don't get me wrong, I do have dysphoria but then being in a male body could feel just as alien as the one I have now. Maybe being an autistic male would fit me better than being an autistic female? Maybe I'm neither male or female? Maybe I'm gender fluid, feeling male at times and other times genderless? I just don't know any more and I'm tired, tired of trying to fix my unhappiness when perhaps there is no real solution.
I think you should try therapy. To finally be heard by a professional on these topics. The best advice I've heard is don't sweat the little things. You are who you are and nothing else. Look at positive things in your life instead of the negative. Just try to enjoy life and live in the moment.
Anon, just a thought. If your family or friends don't respect you without a notice from a doctor, they most probably won't with it either. They can easily say that they want a second (tenth) opinion or that if you managed this long, you can manage some more. This doesn't apply just to being trans. Sadly. You must do it for yourself, not to prove yourself to the others.
