I'm not really quite sure why I'm making this thread. Perhaps I'm trying to sort through my thoughts. I've been thinking quite a bit lately. I came out to my closest friends last weekend, and now I've been thinking. I'm very happy to be out to them. I came out to M, C, and A as we'll call them. M and C were both happy to accept me, and already had fairly extensive knowledge about the trans community. A didn't seem to understand what was going on. I explained what transgender meant, what I thought, and the situation three times, but A still didn't appear to get it. I think they're pretending to be ignorant rather than accept who I am. I could be wrong, but if I'm right that is quite a painful thing to accept and acknowledge. A has been my friend for nearly 6 years, and I may just lose them because I'm different. That is another thing I've been thinking about quite a bit. Since I have begun this mental journey to come to terms with my gender I have lost many things. I no longer feel comfortable participating in my favorite sport. I was a competitive swimmer for 16 years. The water was my closest friend. It was my release on a stressful day. It was my calm during finals. It was a friend to play with when I was lonely. The water was everything to me, and now I can't have it. Just the thought of wearing any of my swimsuits sends chills over my arms and makes me shiver in disgust. I no longer have a feeling of comfort in my body. I feel like I shoulder shred this skin. I feel like I'm wearing an elaborate in which I have been trapped. I rarely look in the mirror anymore, and when I do I cannot recognize the person staring back at me. My mental health is at its worst. I'm keeping secrets from my mom, my sisters, my father, and other friends. I don't feel like I know how to be happy anymore. I used to love life. I wanted everything I could get out of it. Simple things like the sky, an interesting word, a smile, or a good cup of tea would make me happy. I used to smile constantly. I haven't hardly smiled at all today. I feel jaded and cynical. I'm no longer optimistic and cheerful. I don't know how to regain my former happiness. I want it back, but it flees whenever I go searching for it. Everything seems to trigger dysphoria for me. Three days ago I dealt with hours of dysphoria over my thighs. My thighs used to be my favorite part of my body. My legs were a point of pride, and now I can barely stand to look at them. My mind and my body are turning against me! How am I supposed to handle that? How do I live like this? My youngest sister will be moving into my room in two weeks. My room, my one safe haven, is going to become one massive trigger for dysphoria. She is not only 8 years younger than me, but a lover of pink, princesses, and dolls. She loves make up and dresses, and toys, and pink. That color will be all over my room. As if my body is not feminine enough, I will now have feminine items all over my room. I don't want this. Not at all. I thought I wouldn't mind being a cross dresser, but now I'm coming to the realization that I may perhaps only like feminine clothing on the clothes racks. I can hardly stand imagining myself in a dress. Which reminds me of another thought. I have been raised to be a girl. How am I now supposed to live as a guy? I haven't got the first clue as to how I should be a boy. I missed out on 16 years of life as a guy. 16 very important developmental years. I'm rambling I suppose. I don't know what to do anymore. In 6 months my life went from stable, normal, and completely fine, to an unstable minefield of dysphoria, breakdowns, and secrets. I don't know how to live like this. I don't want to live like this.
