Frustrated and Hopeless

I'm pretty sure I'm beginning to hate summer. I'm sitting idly by doing absolutely nothing, and it's giving me far too much time to think. In the short two weeks that summer break has been active, I have come to the conclusion that I am quite frustrated by my gender identity.

I'm frustrated because I can't participate in my favorite sport without putting myself through mental and emotional torture. I'm frustrated because I have to fight the urge to cringe whenever my mom says my real name. I'm frustrated because I'm isolating myself because I'm frustrated and upset. I'm frustrated because I'm snapping at my family. I'm frustrated because my skin feels all wrong. I'm frustrated because I can't look in the mirror anymore. I'm frustrated because sports bras are only going to do so much. I'm frustrated because binding is going to hurt me. I'm frustrated because everything has been turned upside down and inside out. I'm frustrated because comments on a tv show triggered dysphoria for me. I'm frustrated because when I don't wear a shirt to sleep due to heat, my skin crawls and I wake up with dysphoria. I'm frustrated because there is nobody here to hold me when I want to rip my body to pieces.

I'm frustrated because I am trans, and I have to acknowledge it, or everything hurts a thousand times more.

I'm so frustrated and I have no patience, and I want to cry, and I want to scratch myself and cut myself and hurt myself. I feel so unstable, and there isn't enough to keep me busy. I'm trying so hard to not think, but I'm bored and idle. I have no motivation, but my mom is demanding I get a second job. I want to stay active, to help keep my mind off of stuff, but I can't bring myself to set up a schedule of any kind. I feel like I've been wrenched out of the current of life, and deposited in a cove of still water.

I am so frustrated, and there is nothing I can do about the source of my frustration, so I feel hopeless, and that just makes me more frustrated. A vicious cycle I suppose.