Ok so up until I was nine, ive allways been a very happy little girl. I wore dresses, played with make up, all my friends were girls, and I had long hair etc. I don't remember having any idea about the difference between sex and gender, my parents have never talked to me about it. I just assumed i was a girl. At about the age of nine, i became very androgonous. I stopped caring about my appearance, in fact i basically felt like i had no connection to my body and my mind. I cut my hair short(inspired by my girl cousin) and the clothes i wore were very gender neutral. My mum would never had let me wear boys clothes anyway. My social skills became extremely bad. I only had two friends in the school, one a guy,(who was very feminine and turned out to be gay), and one a very masculine/butch girl like myself. I never fitted in which any of the other girls in the school, they all thought i was weird and creepy with an ugly hair cut.(the short pixie thing grew out into a bowl kind of thing haha) i became extremely depressed, and spent all my time at home, alone and isolated, trying to escape reality with books and stuff. As I moved into intermediate, the feelings went away, and I decided to start dressing/acting more feminine to make more friends with the other girls. It didn't work, I was still as socially awkward and disconnected from my body as ever. I began to hate my body, and began to wish I was a boy. Around this time i got my first bra and that was great, cos i didn't have to worry about certain things jiggling about... I managed to find a group of girls who I decided i sort of liked.(total lie) and tried to be friends with them. I soon realised I was really masculine compared to them, and they didn't like me anyway so that didn't work. Then i finally found afew friends who i fit in with. I realised a couple of weeks ago that all my girl friends are very Tom boyish, and the few guy friends i have are awesome gender benders Anyway I've stuck with these guys into high school. But highschool just got worse, I shaved my head for cancer, and I loved it, but my mum wouldn't let me keep it buzzed so grew it out into a short guyish hairstyle. This gave me a lot of weird looks from people, they thought I was a lesbian. I began to feel less and less like the girls in my year again, and that's wear the CIS GUY JEALOUSY kicked in. Whenever I saw cis guys, I became extremely jealous. I wanted to be them sooooo bad, and it really sent me downhill, back into depression. I was jealous of everything about them. I tried to join their groups and stuff, but they just saw me as a girl, and so i quickly gave up, because that's not i wanted, I wanted to be accepted as one of them. I became so frustrated with this, that I began to hate my girl friends. I wanted guy friends!!!!!! I joined spanish class this year and got to sit next to two guys in the class. I got along with them so amazingly, and they kind of accepted me. I loved sitting with them, I felt like a guy. About this time i discovered gay porn. I became obsessed with it, and was really turned on. I decided to try straight porn, but that did absolutely nothing for me. So then for some reason i began to think I was a lesbian, and this lasted for about 3 months, i And i allmost ended up coming out to my friends. Then it was about this time that I discovered the word TRANSGENDER. And I immediately thought, that's what I am! I felt so sick and was allmost crying from shock. So over the next few days I began exploring it. I tried cross dressing into my brothers clothes and I loved it, but seeing my breasts under the shirt really bothered me. I began to feel more like myself and more comftable in my own skin.( I've allways felt very naked and un comftable in girls clothes). I brought trousers for my school uniform, and loved them too. About then, I started having the urge to bind, and my breasts started to upset me even more, and I would have occasional panic attacks where I would tear at them to try and rip them off. I became very dysphoria about my butt, my fore arms and my babyish face. Around then i suddenly realised that I hate being called a girl, i never want to give birth, I don't want to be seen as a girl, AND That I wanted to be a boy, be seen as a boy, and have a male body. The only thing is i don't really know if i FEEL like a boy. I don't even know what it feels like to be a girl, but I'm pretty sure im not a girl anyway. So I've accepted I'm not a girl, i really want to be a boy, but I don't feel like one???????? I keep doubting myself, and it makes me really depressed, cos i don't know who I am. I know who I want to be!!!!!! But that's not how it works it? Also my girl friends at school make me feel very feminine when I'm around them, and I feel like I'm losing touch with my masculinity, so I feel reluctant to hang around them. Sry for loooooooong message hope u guys can be bothered reading it!!!!,! (!)
Only you can say for sure what your gender is but in my opinion you sound trans. When I first started questioning I didn't understand what people meant when they said they FELT like a certain gender but I get it now. I wouldn't let that bother me if I were you
I'm no gender therapist, just a trans guy who wants to help, but it sounds like to me that you are going by the fact that our stories are alike in a lot of ways. I think the best advice I can give you is to experiment until it feels right. Identity is a shoe, you try it on until it fits. May the force be with you on your gender journey.
Being a guy doesn't mean you have to be masculine. Losing friends just because you don't feel like "a real man" around them is not wise. You are you. No matter how your body looks like you will always feel like you. Would your life be nicer or easier if you transition? Take your time and find out. But transition doesn't mean you have to throw away all your girly stuff, abandon your friends, stop crocheting and start to like cars and football. Those things say nothing about your gender and changing them won't prove that you are different gender. Keep your friends close, you will need them. There is a lot of feminine guys and forcing yourself into something "manly enough" would be a pose and wouldn't make you happy. Also, you don't need to transition to be trans. You can identify as a boy and not transition or transition just socially. Take your time to find out what you need.
wow. This is just wow. the feels xD sorry, not trying to joke that wasn`t really nice. that story right there reminds me so much of myself. I`ve always been girly, loved girly stuff. at some point maybe 12-ish i started to dress more in comfortable clothes and not care about my apperance. I always had a pony tail. I started hating skirts, glitter and the color pink. i just didn`t like all that girly stuff and wanted to get away from it. Then i had this "oh wow i might like a girl?" experience, and i just blocked it away. After that i got into a time where i started to be more girly, i started to be more "oh yeah i like boys, i`m gonna marry a guy one day and get kids and blablabla cuz that is what girls do". Honestly i have always been terrified by straight sex. just a thing inside me and just ugh no way ever. I thought it was gonna go away, but im close to 16 and it still makes me uncomfortable. I had two friends, the bullied me. But i would rather hang with them than with the other girls in my class because i finally was a part of a group of friends. I wasn`t hanging with the super girly girls talking about cute boys. My friends were more like "ew ew. sex is gross, like dont even say the word. Ohmygod talking about cute boys? pfftftftft who does that? Heeey lets play football!" The bullying thing stopped, we became closer friends and it was great. all that was around 8th grade, so we weren`t too childish i guess? haha. looking back at all these years we tried to hang with the guys rather than the girls, we played games, did stuff we weren`t supposed to do, we made fun of eachother and others and just had a good time. I also see now that this last year of uhm middel school? is that what it is called? 10th grade, i started wanting to hang with the boys. When i found out i might be gay i hoped that if i came out maybe i could hang with the guys and be more accepted? When the class was gathering or we were at trips and sat down somewhere, me and my friends always ended up sitting with the boys, and i thought it was great and it felt so natural. and i also started getting seriously jealous at boys, like really. I first cut my hair becasue i am stubborn and wanted to show girls can have short hair too, and it was a feminine cut, but then i wanted to go shorter. My favourite clothes were my more boyish ones. I`ve started getting dysphoria? about my breasts. I don`t know i just hate looking in the mirror seeing those weird wobbly things. And my hips and my shape and my thin arms and round face. i would love to just have a flat chest, shape like a guy and all that. Taller, more muscle mass, bigger(?) shoulders. Deeper vocie. God, all of these things and i am still confused. I have litterarly no idea what i want. I do not want a penis, and what kind of life would it be to be a guy, look like a guy, but not have guy junk? Is that what i want? can`t i just be a butch female and be done with it? I can`t hide all these thoughts and it is scary, maybe i am trans? maybe i`m not? maybe i just are too afraid to accpet it or the changes i want? Do i want to live like a guy without doing anything? I have no idea! That is the nice thing about being so young. This isn`t something i can find out in a day or a week, i ahve years in front of me to try things and experiment. Maybe see a therapist or something? I told you here what i feel, so you see that yeah it is similar to you. But am also happy to see im not the only person who was kinda girly at first. Do what feels right to you ok? Listen to yourself and be you. If people dont like it, it is hard but it is kinda ok. You will always find people who accept you for who you are. And for the doubting part, i think everyone is doubting it. It is hard to accept and be shure of it. You just got to go with your gut feeling and try out stuff, just do what feels right and see how you feel about it. I`m not too good at this helping thing, but i hope i at least did something. :')
