This is sort of a 2 part issue. The first is a question of my gender and sexual identity. Sexual I think I am bisexual. I say think because I was in high school (almost a decade behind me), but I stopped myself from having those feelings. I can picture myself sexual with both genders. I wouldn't be apposed to a romantic relationship with a male, but I just find it hard to image anyone other than my wife in that role. I am starting to allow myself to explore this side of myself again. As for gender, I am even less clear on. I am biologically male, but I have never felt male. I keep my hair long because it makes me feel feminine, but I have a full beard. I thought I was growing the beard to hide true self, but I love it. It does make me feel a little more masculine, but that is sort of secondary. I use to enjoy wearing makeup, and I think that is something I just repressed because I was a afraid to express myself. In addition to that I imagine my hair and beard braided and adorned. Perhaps I am too hung up on how I want to appear, but is that part of gender identity? I see myself hiding my flamboyance because it isn't acceptable for who people think I am. Bear in mind I have always been a strong supported of the LGBTetc community with friends and family all mixed into those spectrum. But I have been presenting myself as strait man supporting a cause that was not my own. But I always knew I was a part of the group, somewhere. Maybe I was just too confused and that scared me. Maybe its an issue of coming out. But as what? Genderqueer? Its a term I have heard, and maybe it feels right, but is it different than androgyny? Does one fall into the group that is the other? And DO you come out as either? Or do you just live with it? But I can't just live with it because part of this is in the way I present myself to the world through appearance, which is a mix of masculine and feminine. Bisexual Viking ManWoman, is this an identity I can come out with? I have posted on here before, and the previous time got the gears turning a bit more. I am narrowing down who I really am, and not this person I have been living as. I know there are people struggling with larger coming out issues, where coming out would mean the loss of family and friends, the end of marriages, and I don't see that. My relationship with my dad will go from almost non existent to non esistent, my mom will have another notch on her belt for pushing out another LGBTetc (older sister is a lesbian), and I have a friend going through something similar. My wife, while fully supportive, has some trouble understanding that lables on "male" and "female" roles makes me uncomfortable (stuff being labeled as male or female makes me feel like I am being pushed back from being myself). But this is mixed with he attitude of "if this is who you are, whats the big deal?" But I am afraid there will be strain on one of my closest friendships. I need to figure out what I am, then worry about how to come out. As I write this I see myself trying to figure out what would be easiest to come out as. But I don't want to come out ever few months to years as I figure it out. Or am I thinking about it too much? Am I just a guy who thinks that other penises are nifty and wants to get dolled up and be fabulous? But even then I say "guy" and event hat feel a little wrong and I think I want the easiest answer. "So what dude, I like to wear a little eye liner and pretty panties. I'm still a hairy MAN." I am unsure of myself, but I think I'm getting there.
If you don't feel like a man, or only feel like a man sometimes or whatever, then you could be nonbinary/genderqueer! Those are the umbrella terms, they basically mean "not exactly a man, not exactly a woman." Androgyne is one of many labels that nonbinary people can identify with. This page lists a few. I am not an expert on this at all because I am not nonbinary, but there are lots of nonbinary people here! Anyway, the most important thing is to do what makes you comfortable. Try not to worry about what other people think of you (well, everyone worries about that. But don't take it too seriously.)
Are you comfortable with being biologically male? I tend to find the whole "gender identity" thing to really just be a product of cultural stereotyping. If you have a dick, and are comfortable with it, you're a guy. Doesn't mean you don't like braiding your hair / wear makeup. But that's just my opinion.
Thank you both so much. The link has been and I do think it is in part a matter of conforming to stereotypes and trying not to be seen as a "queer" because my natural voice isn't masculine enough, or the way I hold myself, or the way I feel about something. But I just don't always feel masculine, nor do I always want to be seen as masculine. I don't have the words to express feeling masculine or feminine, aside from the stereotypes. But I can feel the differences, and I feel them both as part of the real me. I'm happy with the body I was born with (not so much the body a life time of Tex-Mex and video games has given me...but that another topic), it just doesn't always match what is in my head.
