I dont know

I'm hoping that you all will be able to help me figure this out. As a disclaimer, I am physiologically male, and I was never abused in any way or anything like that.

The best way I can describe it is that I'm 60% female and 40% male. I've always thought this. Whatever is going on, I've been deeply affected most of my life by it. I became very depressed around 11-12, and those feelings never fully went away. I tried. I saw a psychologist and a psychiatrist during high school, but those hurt more than they helped.

I feel disgusted with myself for writing this. I envy women. I have always wanted to be able to do things that women get to do and dress how they dress, but more importantly, I envy the mannerisms and social connections that women are able to have. I remember when I was very young, maybe 4-5, my mother let me pick out my new shoes at a shoe store. I choose pink slippers with flowers on them and really liked them. People gave me hell for wearing them. I was an extremely sensitive kid who cried a lot, and I often found myself excluded from the group or activities by other kids. I thought about suicide pretty much every day in middle school when puberty began, and by high school I had become completely withdrawn. I had no friends whatsoever during high school. At one point, I did grow my hair out during high school. I grew it down past my shoulders a little bit. A few people said I looked like a girl, which felt nice. More told me I'm ugly, scary, and needed to cut it right away. Anyway, people are pretty mean about your hair. Even though it is your hair and shouldn't matter to them, they still feel like they can tell you what to do with it. I never received more compliments in my life than the day I cut it short again, and I never felt more defeated either.

I don't think what I've experienced counts as dysphoria, and I have never thought of myself as transgender. On the other hand, the idea that I'm just a fetishist does not sit well with me either. I never looked in the mirror like Jennifer Boylan in 'Shes Not There' and wondered where my breasts were. I've read that when transvestites dress up in women's clothing, their brains interpret the clothing touching their skin like it was a woman's touch; however, that explanation seems off to me and really mean and dismissive in a way. I don't currently own any female clothing since I've thrown it all away several times (along with the fake breasts and a hip form). Wearing female clothing can be arousing, but I also like to wear it for regular non-sex related things. I've worn panties before under my regular clothes out in public. Everything I've read about cross dressing I don't identify with, but I guess if you're transgender you're supposed to just 'know' from an early age, which didn't happen to me either.

I feel bad though because I still feel very depressed a lot of the time. After thinking about it and asking myself a million times what the problem is on several occasions, the answer comes that I've been depressed no matter what I've done because I'm a girl. But I guess I don't really think so, and I don't hate being male. It doesn't bother me to be referred to as male, and I don't feel trapped in my own body. I still feel like I need to figure out what to do about this because it is making me so miserable.

Thank you if you read all of that.

 

Thank you for your responses. Multi-quote incoming.

I definitely hate gender roles and always have. I've always been very sensitive to gender-related issues or conflicts. People should be free to live and act how they please without judgment.

I never heard of social dysphoria until coming to this site. What is it exactly?

It is difficult to pin down exactly what the difference between being treated as a guy and treated as a girl is, and I would not expect people to not treat me as a guy given that I look like a guy. That being said, I have always hated it or felt weird when people call me 'man', 'dude', or 'bro'. I'm not sure what exactly it would mean to be treated like a girl, but I think I would like it if it was in a safe environment. I don't have the social connections women have, at least not in real life. I just envy what they have sometimes. I have a much easier time relating to women and sometimes gay guys. I have never been able to relate to heterosexual men at all.

Its difficult for me to analyze myself to answer your questions, but I will try. I became very socially withdrawn at a young age. I experience a great deal of social anxiety, especially in groups of people. I have always felt like I am not able to be who I really am around people (whoever that is), and I have always felt like if anyone got to really know me, they would hate me. I do think I have female mannerisms that I have to suppress with how I talk, gesticulate, use my voice, etc.. I also sometimes have caught myself thinking things or wanting things that I later realized are for women only. I never really thought about it until now since I've spent so many years like this and its all become second nature at this point. In social situations now, I'm very guarded. People have often asked me why I'm so quiet or told me that I'm too serious. I feel like if I open up too much, they will come down on me or think I'm weird, so that makes it difficult. The false acceptance of others is important because it is really difficult to handle how people react, especially if it is a group of people; however, it is extremely depressing to not be able to be particularly expressive or open. I have always felt like happiness is something that is limited to others who are innately better than I am.

No, I have nobody I would dare tell this to. My girlfriend found a wig I had at one point and asked me straight-up if I'm a girl (I said no). She also accused me of being gay (said no to that one as well). She was threatening to leave me. My family lives far away and would probably neither understand or accept these feelings. I haven't made any friends in the city where I now live.

I'm completely fine with being called she, but I'm not sure what that means or if I prefer it.

I threw away the female items mainly because I didn't want to worry about them being found. I did feel some shame for having them as well. I never really needed them: I just wanted them.

I couldn't go through the surgeries. Even if I could afford them, and even if I didn't have to worry about the stigma that would come from transitioning, I think my body is too definitively masculine for them to be effective on me. Some people I've seen who transition look great, but I know I would not. There is also employment and having children to consider. I probably wont ever have children, but I'm not 100% sure about that. They recently passed legislation here that bans GLBT discrimination in the workplace, but that doesn't mean they can enforce it. I live in a very red state, and I know that transitioning would mean the end of my career. In a perfect world or if I could magically change, I would consider it, but I would never want to go through the change in this world. The other thing is that to legally change your gender, a lot of states usually require bottom surgery, which is something that I would miss. I don't think states should require those who transition to go that far just to legally change their gender. I also know that I would miss the male status that I know I take for granted, but I still see that as a problem with our society. Women deserve just as much respect as men do, but they don't get it.

I just meant that I had thought at that time I was a girl. I didn't mean to state definitively that I am a girl, if that makes any sense. What I should have said is that my feminine-ness is at the root of my depression. I don't know if I would qualify as a tomboy. I'd have to be a female first before I would. I'm sure there are women who like everything I like when it comes to hobbies. Like, I play video games often. Some of my hobbies or things I've been into in the past have been more stereo-typically female like cooking, running, reading, writing, singing, volunteering, and to a lesser extent yoga and learning languages.

Thank you, I appreciate it. Feel free to ask more questions or let me know your thoughts.

I agree with you and think you're right. The thing is that people I know tend to think that, and I guess I just feel guilty for not knowing myself.

I hate psychotherapy and don't want to go back to a therapist. Its good advice though. Maybe I'll give it a try if I can find one that looks good and if I get insurance that will let me go. The therapist I saw before wasn't a gender therapist.

Sorry, I didn't mean to state that I'm a girl. I just meant that that is what I felt like was at the base of my depression or that my feminine side was fueling it, like I said above.


Thank you all though. Thinking about all this and writing it is helping. I know that I should know myself better at this age, but usually I just avoid reality 98% of the time. I've never been able to cast my life experiences in this light.

 

I definitely have some degree of social dysphoria then, particularly when it comes to gender roles. It is more difficult to say for bodily dysphoria. In the past I really hated my body. I thought I was hideous and had an issue with pretty much every part of it, and the thoughts were obsessive. That went on for years (especially ages 11-18), but I never really considered having a female body as a solution to those feelings or as what might have been wrong. I do think that is why I grew my hair out though, but that just resulted in disappointment along with pretty much everything else. I couldn't have told you why I wanted long hair back when I grew it out. I just felt the desire to have it and didn't know or understand why.

Now I'm at the point where I don't really notice my body or see myself in the mirror really. I get self-conscious from time to time if I think about it and can easily relapse into hating it, but I've learned to like it in a way. I don't know if what I've experienced counts as bodily dysphoria or if I'm just weird. It could just be low self-esteem. I have always had very low self-esteem, and I thought that I was extremely ugly.

 

I might be like the fa'afafine of polynesia. They are a 3rd gender that are born male but act in both masculine and feminine ways. If I could live my life in a feminine way without judgment, that might be enough.

 

I've been reading about 3rd genders in different cultures. It has blown my mind. I had heard of India's 3rd gender before, but what I had read about them was distorted.

I feel hollow and confused now. If I was born into a culture that was completely accepting of 3rd gender, would I have been one? Even with 3rd gender, some of those cultures can be fairly limiting of people's sexuality (because gender is separate from sexuality). I feel like I've been hammered into a male by American culture and that I'm pretty much stuck this way. That might just be because I know that I would not find acceptance if I did some of the things I want. But with so many years of self-loathing and loneliness, its difficult to feel myself much less act without so much inhibition.

I feel like that part of me has been sealed behind a brick wall and the mortar has dried.

 

This is an interesting study that I just found. If it is true, it might explain why I feel like I do.

Scans show difference in transgender brains · PinkNews.co.uk

 

I cannot handle telling everyone to fuck off. I never have been able to handle that.

What I need is to figure out how to live with this and be happy even though it is really difficult. I feel depressed, lonely, angry, empty, and suicidal all the time and have for most of my life. Its unlikely that I will ever be able to find what I need.