Gender Identity vs. Gender Expression

I have been thinking quite a bit about gender identity and gender expression lately. It has been a bit of a plaguing problem for me. I feel I identify as a guy, despite being biologically female. Now this is all well and good, but I also feel like I am not necessarily opposed to wearing typically feminine articles of clothing. I have visited and re-visited this topic on many occasions, and I continue to have conflicting thoughts and emotions over it.

On the one hand, I was raised to be a girl. I was raised to wear feminine clothing, and I was raised to grow into a woman. I was a very good girl too. I know how to dress myself in dresses and skirts. I adore heeled shoes... well, shoes in general really. I know how to wear make-up (while I believe it is gender neutral make-up often comes across as feminine) though I don't always do so. I know how to be a girl.

On the other hand, I do not feel comfortable wearing most of my clothing due to my current body. My chest is a big source of dysphoria for me, and many other parts of my body have caused distress as well. I feel that were I to have been born with a male body, I would be much more comfortable wearing feminine clothing, yet I wonder if that is simply a product of my raising. Do I feel this way merely because I was raised to enjoy this clothing? If I had been born male would I feel the same way about masculine clothing?

Which brings me to my next point; masculine clothing. I want to wear more masculine clothing. I am quite excited at the prospect of presenting as a boy and wearing masculine clothing. But I also quite enjoy feminine clothing. Perhaps I simply want to wear both?

I have had a nagging thought that were I born male bodied, I would present as both masculine and feminine. I would love to be able to walk out of my house in black lace leggings, an over sized sweater, and some comfy heels. I would also quite happily leave my house in slim fit cargo pants, a pair of Vans, a men's hoodie, and a beanie. This sounds like gender fluidity, but I don't really identify with that term. I want to be a boy. I want male pronouns, and I want a more masculine name. I want chest surgery, and I believe I want hormones too.

I cannot decide if this fluidity in my gender expression is due to the way I was raised or not. I do not have access to hormones, nor do I have a binder and packer. I cannot really attempt to try out different gender presentations at the moment, and it is leaving me thoroughly confused over this subject. I feel as though I want an androgyny to my gender expression. I want to be male bodied, but I also want to be able to present myself as masculine or feminine according to my whims. I feel a little lost as to why I have these thoughts and feelings, especially since I don't identify with the term 'gender-fluid.'

I'm starting to ramble though, so I shall end by asking for any thoughts on what I've said thus far.

 

I don't think of myself as a drag queen, though the term does apply. I don't wish to wear padding, or give myself the appearance of breasts. I want an androgynous appearance I suppose. I want to be able to present as both masculine and feminine, while identifying as a boy. I haven't really heard of a term for that though.

 

Yes! Thank you! I believe I was looking for validation of my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it.