1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Ready to Leave it Behind

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by justjade, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. justjade

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2013
    Messages:
    395
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Canton, Ohio, US
    Everyone....

    I know I've said before to my therapist that I was ready to leave my presumed womanhood behind. But lately I don't think I've been doing a good job of acting on it. I am sick and tired of being treated like a girl. I'm tired of not being out to everyone. I'm tired of living every day fighting chest lumps, estrogen, and getting ma'am-ed. I came out to another person last night--basically an acquaintance--and he said he couldn't tell I was transgender. He said what everyone else seems to think: That I'm just butch.

    I guess that's valid. I do just kind of look like a girl, I guess. He asked if I thought about taking T, and I told him I don't think I should. I do want my voice to be deeper, or at least not nasal-y. I want my chesticles gone. I want to be accepted as a guy and do guy things. It's really frustrating, and I'm thinking that maybe I'm ready to live full-time as a man.

    The only problem (besides me actually not knowing exactly what that entails as far as transitioning) is that even on my best days, I look like a prepubescent boy. I've been feeling a lot of pressure lately to figure out a way to get on T, even though it's not even remotely financially feasible at this point. I feel like I can't be a man if I don't go through male puberty.

    I guess at some point, I just resigned to the fact that I'd never be able to afford a physical transition. However, I was thinking about it last night, and I realized that that doesn't mean I don't want it, that I don't feel that I need it. Then I got mad. I got mad that I'm gay and that I'm married to a straight man. I got mad that I'm afraid to be completely out. I got mad that, no matter what, no matter how far I run from it, I'm still fearful of what people think. I worry about being accepted and generally employable. I worry about violence, about what might happen to my husband....if I'd still even have a husband.

    Everything just sucks, guys. Basically, what I want to know is how to leave my life as a presumed woman behind. For those of you who are living full time as your true gender, who have taken or are taking hormones, who have legally changed your name, who have had surgery, what did you have to do to get to that point? How do you life full time as a man or a woman? How do you come out? How do you get past the fear? How do you....anything?
     
  2. ProtegeMoi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2013
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    KY
    I've seen a lot transdude before and after videos and T and Top surgery really put them at another level. The new pecs instead of binders, sideburns, stubble, the voice. All helpful but not necessary at all. You already know that though.

    Are you more worried about losing what you have or worried that if you go full on that you might not meet some standard that doesn't exist? If you're married to a straight man what will/would happen if you go down that road? Is that something you're ready to confront? What about the idea of kids if they are on your radar?

    I don't see an issue about employment. If you dress and look like a dude and can do the work I don't see how that would be distracting. I'd hire you if you're on time, ambitious and can think for yourself. I know my underlings aren't up to par but I didn't hire them I got stuck with them. There are jobs all over and I think that shouldn't be a deal breaker.

    As far as full time I'm not there. I do have a timeline though. I finally have insurance for the first time in 10 years starting next month so ill be finding my first therapist, working towards starting hormones, and saving up for my trach shave next year. My wife is bi and on board and she's told more people than I have so that's weird and good. Her friends are accepting and cool about it. I figure ill be hormones for up to 2 years before I make the switch - depends on if my face changes and such or if I need ffs to get to where my confidence is up. By then I should be shopping my novel and have my clothing company to where its a second income. Then if my work decides I'm no longer employable ill use savings and find another job while making clothes.

    Basically I've got the next 3-5 years mapped. It gives me hope and realistic acheivable goals and waypoints that will help me stay focused. I've waited 10+ years for this to happen and I am ready for it to start.
     
  3. justjade

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2013
    Messages:
    395
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Canton, Ohio, US
    Thanks for your response. I appreciate it. I've told my husband I don't want kids. I'd like to either adopt or maybe just host foreign exchange students. I think he's fine with that. I mean, as far as biological kids, if we ever have $10,000 to piss away on a surrogate, that would be nice. I'm open to the idea that I may possibly want to have my own kids in the future, but I don't see it happening.

    He told me he will always love who I am and that we will always be friends no matter what. That's pretty good, I think. I mean, if we can honestly say at some point that we won't be together anymore, it will be because we've really tried to make it work and can leave the relationship with a clear conscience. I love him, and I think he's amazing, but I wouldn't want to compromise his values. I understand that he's straight. He likes females. I don't want him having to explain his sexuality to anyone. If I actually live full time as male, I'm afraid he'll get shit for it.

    I can just see it now. "Oh, you're married to a guy? You must have had to travel pretty far away to get married."

    "No, not really. We got married in West Virginia."

    ":eek: How?!"

    "He used to be a woman."

    And it goes on and on. I dunno. I'm just worried about him more than anything. I want to protect him, and I don't want people to bully him. I know that I feel that gender isn't the basis of our relationship, but other people might take issue with it. Like, "If you're married to a guy, why would you not just stay a woman?" I mean, I guess we wouldn't have to tell people we're married, but I want to be able to be comfortable showing affection to him in public.

    I guess I'm kind of afraid that I already don't meet some standard that doesn't exist and that no amount of medical transitioning will change that. I'm afraid I'll lose the respect of my friends, although I do have those who will stick by me.
     
  4. ProtegeMoi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2013
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    KY
    I'm sure WV is like KY. Just not really ready for it. I grew up in WA and lived in CA and I feel like its more accepted there, but I also know people on the west coast just mind their own business more, where as here people say things all of the time - and you know the type.

    I'm glad he supports you and I worry for you the same as me - our spouses can say they support us and hell they make stick it out, but I'm not expecting her to and won't hold it against her if its too hard. When the first shouts across the street or hushed comments in a restaurant start happening. I'm ready for that, but we have a kid and I worry that I might have to move back to a bigger city again.

    I don't have but a handful of friends and they are 2000+ miles away so I have no support locally, but I know they'd stick by me. They semi-new friends I've made here will probably scatter like cockroaches, but if they were real friends like yours I know I'd be worried might lose a couple - then again you'll gain new friends as well that understand you.

    Does it feel like a balancing act on a highwire 40ft above a shark infested pool?
     
  5. justjade

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2013
    Messages:
    395
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Canton, Ohio, US
    To answer your question, yes. :lol: It does.

    I think in ways, we're both lucky to have spouses who will at least support us and not go ape shit over our transitions. I've seen some unpleasant responses one spouse will have to the other transitioning. They usually just freak out, and it's almost like the fight or flight response is triggered because they either desperately try to keep their spouse from transitioning or get the hell out. It makes me sad, and I feel bad giving said spouses honest advice, but they'll have to come to terms with it eventually.

    I actually just talked to my husband about this, and as usual, I started crying like a baby. I told him that I love him and want him to be happy, and he said that because he loves me, he wants me to be happy, too. But yeah, WV is full of busy bodies and nosy neighbors. It's like everyone here has to know everything about everyone, and it really sucks. I mean, I think that if society was generally more accepting of gay and trans people, I wouldn't worry about my husband getting picked on. He says that he can stick up for himself, but I figure you know how people are. Sometimes you just can't reason with them because they're ignorant and just want to hold onto their flawed logic as to why they think something's wrong just because they're too stubborn to see past their own noses.

    I think my husband and I will be able to stay together as long as I don't alter my body too much for his liking. He's just going to need time to come to terms with it, I think. He said he still has trouble wrapping his head around it, but I love him for trying. Like I said before, he could just up and leave, but he doesn't. He understands that for the interest of our relationship, I don't want to be transgender, but also that I can't help who I am. It's just so fucking hard.

    And the worst part is that I know that the need to transition will eventually outweigh the risks. And it scares the living shit out of me.
     
  6. earthlvr510

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2013
    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NH
    Im gonna be honest, your situation does suck, any way forward you choose is going to be tough and painful. Just think about what is right for you and the best way to get there without causing undo pain to those you love. Currently I am taking hormones and planning my top surgery and name change, and the only place that I am not out yet is work and other than that I am full time male. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful family that is supporting me financially through this, aka my parents are letting me stay with them rent free. Its been a tough road, ive been kicked out of school, lost friends, lost over half of my family, and have been in situations were I have been terrified for my safety. I still don't entirely "pass", most often im still read as female and I know how much that royally sucks but its slowly changing. Right now I can honestly say that everything ive been through has been absolutely worth it. My suggestion is to look at your fears. Are you more afraid of what will happen to you, mentally/emotionally, if you continue in your current situation and are read as a women and everything in your life that goes along with that, or are you more afraid of what would happen if you transition and live as a male. For me the fear of continuing to live as I was outweighed the fear of transitioning, and the rewards of transitioning for me would make everything worth it. Coming out has been hard and I have been luckier than most, im not there yet but there is nothing in the universe that would make me go back. I cant tell you what to do but it sounds like you need to make some sort of change. Out of curiosity were abouts in WV are you? I lived there for a summer with an activist group and met some other trans folks that did a lot of work around gender issues in the area. Im not sure how to work contact info on here but they may be people worth talking to about resources in the area. I think I can at least point your towards the articles they've written.
     
  7. justjade

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2013
    Messages:
    395
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Canton, Ohio, US
    I can send you my contact info through private messaging. I live in Point Pleasant, actually, which is literally like 6 miles long. If you're driving through and blink, you miss it. :lol:

    I'm glad you consider coming out worth it. I want to be able to say the same of myself someday. I really want to make some kind of change. I want to become the kind of man I want to be. I want to be a man who knows what he wants and goes out and gets it, no questions asked.

    As far as my fears, I did some self-examination, and I'm more afraid of what's going to happen to me if I continue to live as a woman. I asked my husband what he thinks, and he agrees with me. If I don't make some kind of change, I fear I'm at serious risk for self-harm. I've already had run-ins with ER staff because of risk of self-harm a couple times already. I actually got to the point once where I was tempted to call 911 and say, "You'd better find me someone who can give me a bilateral mastectomy or, by god, I'll do it myself." I've been pretty bent out of shape over this, and as numb as I feel now, something's got to give. I know it's going to be hard, maybe almost impossible, but I have to do it.