Dysphoria getting worse when 'accepted'

You sound almost exactly like me. I've been poking around this same train of thought for a really long time. My best advice for you at this point is to take it easy, take it slow. Take as much time as you need to figure yourself out, because that is the priority here. It's better to take long time and be sure than it is to get a fast answer and be wrong later, right?

If you're anything like me, that is the last thing you want to hear. I've been very confused and in questioning for a long time, and to me the whole feeling of being on the border and not really sure how much of it is real and how much I am convincing myself of all this is the most unsettling feeling. I hate being confused. But I've slowly realized that by working myself up over it, I am only making it harder to see past my doubts and get to the bottom of what I identify as and where I want to go with that. The answer most likely isn't going to come overnight. You need to be patient with this.

As for dysphoria, my general understanding is that it is something that increases with time, yes. I have heard over and over from different people that when your dysphoria reaches the point where you can't stand it, that's how you will know you are ready to transition. But everyone's experience with dysphoria is going to be different. As for me, I'm in a very similar situation to you. I've been going by a more gender-neutral name for a couple of months now and I am itching to ask people to call me he. The more time goes on the stronger I feel that I can't go back to the old me. You're not the only one. Just take the time you need.

I also would recommend trying to find a therapist who has experience or specialty in this matter, if you are able to. I have been seeing a therapist and she has helped me clear a lot of confusion I've had and get me on the right track to looking at how to proceed.

 

That happened to me too. I think it's because you become more aware of how wrong and warped it is to be seen as what you're not. Try asking yourself:
Would you be happier if people use male pronouns at you?
Would you be happier if you woke up a cis guy tomorrow?
Do you see yourself in the future as a man or woman or between or neither?
Do you feel a disconnection from your body?

I felt the same way you did at first. I was afraid I was just telling myself that I was a boy but then I thought about going back to that name and female pronouns and knew this was right. I wish you luck and hope things go okay with you .

 

The same thing happened to me. I think it's because even though you had dysphoria before, you didn't know what it was or what caused it and now that you know it stands out even more.

 

I'd say this is very normal. You've realised you're a guy and now there's this big mismatch between how you feel inside and how others perceive you.

You say you have no idea why you would want to be trans. I don't mean to cause any offense here but if you think about it, who would? I certainly wouldn't if I had a choice about it. I believe it's not something we choose but something that we just are.

Feeling that it's something you have made up in your head, well I'd say that's pretty normal as well. The world tells you you're female. You look female, you sound female. The only evidence you have to suggest otherwise is how you feel inside.

How does it feel to feel like a guy? Honestly, I don't know. All I know is how it feels to be me and I feel like I should be a guy. You say you feel like a guy and always have done. Enough said.

 

Maybe it's only because you're afraid to be "pressed" by our society, who tells how we have to be?

 

I got to a certain point in my life where I realized the reason I have been unhappy for a large part of my life was cause I refused to accept myself. I went into rehab for the first time and now that I have not been using any mind altering substances, I can now say that I see myself clearly. I go to gender identity therapy every week. I have always thought I was a boy. It wasn't till I graduated from high school and started to try to grow up that drugs and alcohol became a problem. I couldn't seem to do it. Grow up that is. I cry now as I remember the sadness I felt watching everyone around build their lives and I was stuck. I didn't hate myself. I just didn't see me. Now at 33 I actually feel as though I am growing into the man I always knew I was capable of being. As far as dysphoria, sometimes I get sick to my stomach when I think of the female I pretended to be.

 

It happened to me. I mean, I never wore dresses. But dysphoria certainly got worse once I understood I was transgender.

 

Mine was/is mixed. Some things got worse, some things got better. What got worse was top dysphoria because I can't successfully bind. I've always hated the things but now I see them as enemy number 1.

Social is a lot worse and for the first time ever I feel dysphoric about my voice sometimes. It's actually quite deep but not deep enough unless I force it, which I do when I'm alone. But my forced male voice is very different from my normal speaking voice and isn't something I can just integrate easily. I had to semi yell at my sister in the grocery store the other day and the sound of my voice actually caught me off guard and made me feel very self conscious. Before now I've always liked my voice.

Bottom dysphoria is better, shockingly. I have always had that really bad, but I'm okay most days. That said, I'd have bottom surgery in a heartbeat. Which is, strangely, not something I was sure I wanted when the dysphoria was worse :lol:

So like everyone has said, that's pretty normal and it doesn't mean you aren't "trans enough". Over time it might get better or you might find a new way of dealing with it. It's really tough, I know, but hang in there.

 

Yes, similar thing happened to me. You are acutely aware, perhaps painfully so, of the extent of the problem/damage and now you might focus on damage control. There are countless ways to interpret everything and you can confuse yourself by ignoring how you feel deep down. I read Descartes' Error and I concluded that emotions have their place. Now sometimes I'm happy, thus I made the right decision. Some real happiness is better than all the fake happiness I had playing a girl role.

There are cis guys that suffered gruesome accidents and they're still male. You can read about the history of penis removal. Everything from furious exes to war! You can learn that some cis guys don't have totally flat chests. The average cis male's body differs from *insert popular male film star here because I cannot think of one.* Since I'm short, height was a huge hurdle for me and it helped to discover that there are short cis guys. I wish somebody told me these things years ago.

I think most cis guys would be distraught if they lost their male body and woke up with a female body instead. Well, after the novelty wore off and they realised they were stuck! Now everyone he knows is calling him a girl and they aren't joking! He expresses his unhappiness in a high-pitched voice and they call him difficult! And the jarring feeling of disconnection tells him to die. We may experience dysphoria differently, but we can agree that it isn't fun.

After the death of my denial, I worked on making the most of my situation. I either do the things I would have done if I were a cis guy, or I find experimental solutions. I became stronger over time and I hope the future has the same result for you.