Hello, I'm a 23 year young born female. For my whole life I've been unsure, but kept it bottled. However, over the past few years my feelings have been getting stronger... and over the past few days they've been almost intolerable, and I can't seem to stop crying through out the day... My post may be lengthy... but I'm kind of desperate for someone to talk to/give me guidance... Any help or advice would be very appreciated. <3 Through out my whole life I've felt very different from other girls, I never associated myself with them at all, nor did I want to be like them. I always looked at them as being female, and me being... well, not female. I remember once when I was a very little kid, and my parents saying " ___ is your big brother!" and I responded "and I'm the little brother!" They corrected me and told me I was his little sister, and I remember feeling really confused. I would always hang out with the boys because I felt more comfortable with them (still do) and I always wanted to do what they were doing. Like getting dirty and playing soccer. Given the chance, I would always try to out masculine all the girls by showing how boyish and tough I was (I still try to do this...). I feel terrible when someone states that I'm female... and I always feel kinda good when someone mistakes me for being male. Here is the really confusing part. I don't hate my female parts, nor could I imagine being without them. (although sometimes I think about what it would be like having a flat chest or maybe smaller breasts. Sometimes I'll wear tight sports bras to make them smaller/not visible) I also like to wear dresses sometimes, but it's either dresses, or lose boyish clothes that I feel comfortable in. I feel more confident in boyish clothing. If it's in between, then I just feel blah... I also like to wear my hair very short, and tomorrow I'm hoping to get it cut even shorter than I usually do (I've been wanting to for EVER, but I've just been nervous to) I'm so confused on how I feel... I just wish I could be both in a sense... keep some of my feminine features, while also looking like a guy and being accepted as one... I have no idea what to do... All I know is, right now I feel really depressed and lonely.. I should probably add a little blip about my sexual orientation. I've only ever been with men, however I do find women attractive... (they're all I draw lol) I've always been intimidated by women and sometimes I have no idea how to act or what to say depending on the girl. I feel like if I were single (I have a boyfriend) and I found the right girl, I'd most likely date her! I do love my boyfriend though, I'd love to live with him one day. Hoping that he accepts me for whatever I become out of this... He has no idea I feel this way... Thank you for reading my post :') I look forward to hearing from you. <3
Oh, my, you sound exactly like me! It's almost scary! But I'm still in the "this-shit-drives-me-crazy-what-do-I-do-with-my-life"-phase and all I can say is: try too keep calm and talk to people close to you. try to figure out what feels right and what don't. try to find how it feels to be YOU, that is the most important thing I guess.
:'D I'm glad I'm not alone! haha Thank you for your reply :') I'll try my best. Unfortunately I don't have any close friends besides my boyfriend... (hence why I frantically tried to find a good forum to talk to someone lol) and I tried to talk to my mom about it earlier today... but I don't think she understood 100%. I contacted my counselor and will be making an appointment with her to talk about it... Hopefully she can help, or introduce me to a gender therapist.
