So I've been questioning for quite some time now about whether I am "really" trans. I feel like the idea of transitioning (T and top surgery sound really good when I look at it) but I'm not one to take risks, and the idea of doing something so life-altering really has me hesitant. I feel like inside I know it's what I want. Everything about it sounds so good and I just think "Yes, this is what I want. I want to make this change." But there is just enough fear and doubt in me saying "But what if you regret it? What if you change your mind in 2 years or something?" And it's enough to stop me from taking steps to transitioning. I find myself constantly trying to find "proof" that I am trans. I am constantly comparing my feelings and thoughts and mannerisms to the stories of other trans people who have transitioned and are describing their process, trying to find that one thing that I can tell myself "You see? There! The proof that you are trans and will be happy if you transition!" But I know that is not realistic, and I feel like I am procrastinating out of fear. No magic piece of proof is about to come along and confirm anything for me. If there is one thing that I have learned from observation and reading and watching videos, etc it's that the decision for each person to transition is subjective and unique. Yet I continue to hold back. Afraid to move forward and afraid to stay where I am, wasting time that could potentially be spent happily transitioning. Thoughts? Advice? Has anyone else felt this way or at all similarly? TL;DR: Have any other trans* people felt like they need to 'verify' their trans*ness before they should physically transition?
I feel the same way. Even though I know that I'm trans I can't help but worry about it because I don't want to come out and then later change my mind. I just try to ignore the doubts because everything points to me being trans and I can't let a little bit of anxiety stop me from being who I really am. I think it's pretty common to feel that way, after all medically transitioning is a big step to take and it's good to want to be sure first instead of just jumping into something
I tell you: if you don't want to transition, it doesn't mean you're less/not trans. You're trans apart from the fact that you want to transition or you don't want to transition. I thought about the transition. And I decided not to do it. But this doesn't mean I'm not a man or I'm less man that the trans folks who transitioned. It's your choice. It isn't simple and it isn't for everybody. It isn't for me, but take all your time to decide if it's for you. Because testosterone doesn't make the Man. The penis doesn't make the Man.
I feel like I'm in a similar boat. I'm still trying to sort out my "transness", and have just begun to see a therapist about it--but I continue to find ways, even if just in the back of my mind, to prove my transness to myself. There are definitely times when I still feel a bit like a boy, but when I think about the idea of maybe some day transitioning... It seems so wonderful. It feels like something almost natural. Maybe I've even glamorized it a bit too much. As it's been said though, everyone's unique in their own experience--especially with transitioning and gender expression. That's the only thing that gives me a bit of hope. But I am definitely right in that place, where I wonder if I'll change my mind--or if I'll discover maybe there's just something else going on with me mentally, making me think this is what I'm dealing with... Sigh... I guess that's why I'm seeing a therapist.
I know how you feel, I think I especially have thoughts like this being non - binary, like what if I'm really just a confused effeminate man, or what if I'm really a trans woman. I mean when I think about it logically, neither of those things really fit myself, but I still wonder. The only thing that really gives me dysphoria is all my body hair, I hate it and it's disgusting. Other than that my appearance is very androgynous. Sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to feel more or worse dysphoria, but I'm not sure.
I actually did come out as trans* (MtF) and I did later feel more like a boy so I'm a little hesitant to consider myself anything. I do feel more like a girl now though so I'm going with Bigender.
I appreciate this, but my concern is something of the opposite. I think if someone said I had a month to choose whether I want to transition or never have the opportunity to transition again, I would choose to transition. I think I really do want to transition it's more that I am afraid to. I don't feel like I am trans enough to transition and therefore may live to regret it. The idea sounds so appealing when I look at it. Deeper voice. Masculine-shaped body. Flat chest. It all sounds so fantastic I really think I would love it. But I'm afraid in 5 years I will change my mind and it will be too late.
I believe your concerns are valid and you would not be the first one to experience that. Chercheur and Oh my god I (members of EC) come to mind. I don't think that the time spent thinking about your future life is "wasted" as you said. At the end you will have to decide if you take the risk and then live with your decision.
I went through something like this too, it to me over a year to get past it. I over analyze EVERYTHING so every time I was sure that I wanted to transition I got some sort of doubt about it and blew it out of proportion until I didn't know anything any more. I got to the point where I knew that, just me being me, I would never be 100% positive but I was a sure as I could be so I went for it. So far I was right
