So ive got a mix of awesome news and a shit situation. My aunt is offering to pay for my entire top surgery; the medical stuff, travel, food, everything. Which is AMAZING. My aunt is one if my favorite people on the planet, she's the first family member that I came out to, she is so accepting and understanding and open minded, she was thrilled for me when I came out because she knew what a big step it was for me. I even got a surgery date set for the end of the month. We were booking a hotel and plane tickets, and then my mom decides that she wants to come. My mom is still seriously struggling with this. I know that she always wanted a daughter, and when I say daughter I mean the "perfect" daughter. She wanted to play dress up and go shopping and cuddle and walk me down the isle to the "perfect" guy and all of that. None of this is anything I ever did, or for the most part ever will be able to give her. She is trying hard, really damn hard but there is no way she is at the point where she can stand in the same room and support me through my surgery. She will have a melt down when they take the bandages off. I need people there who are 100% supportive and just as thrilled for me to be having this experience as I am. I wont be able to run damage control on my mom when, first this week is supposed to be about me and something that I have been dreaming of for years, and two I will be hyped up on pain meds. But how do I tell her that I don't want her there without her thinking I hate her or im pushing her further away? Total rant here but I just don't know how to let her know that as much as she wants to support me this is NOT the way to do it. :bang::bang:
Your aunt sounds amazing. Also your mom too. Here's the thing; it's a major surgery and there are risks involved, if I were your mom I wouldn't want my kid to undergo something like that without me there. Just something to consider; this procedure is definitely about you, but it also affects your mom. Have you tried talking to your aunt about it? What does she think?
I had top surgery done a little over a week ago, and I didn't invite my parents. The only people who came with me were my girlfriend and another friend. While my dad paid for most of the expenses, he was unfortunately unable to attend, and there's no way in hell I'd invite my mother. What I did, was, I told my mother that I'd be drugged up on pain medication and that I'd most likely not recall the event, and that it'd be rather lackluster/uneventful. While she was upset, she did feel better knowing that I had a trusted friend as well as my girlfriend attend, likewise drive me to the hospital and take me back. It also most likely helped that I scheduled my surgery on a weekday, Monday, and therefore she had to work and wouldn't be able to attend. Perhaps your mum could take comfort in the fact that your aunt will be there, although she'll probably be persistent on attending if she really wants to be there. I'd also suggest asking your aunt about which way to go here, her thoughts on the matter. Do you think it would be worth talking with your mother about this? Explain to her how much this surgery means to you, how you need complete support from her (as well as everyone else) during this procedure, etc. Hopefully you can compromise with her.
It's great that your aunt is so supporting! I think it's a good step with your mom, though, because it does seem like this is her way of trying to say she's ok with it. I would def recommend talking to your aunt about this, first off. This may be the moment your mother needs to grieve for the daughter that she may feel like she is losing, which is def not what you should have to put up with on your happy day. Maybe your mum could come just for hotel stuff? You could totes talk with your mom (w/ awesome aunt as support) to address your concerns. Or just have your aunt talk to her (she wouldn't even have to say that you had asked her to but that she had seen that you were concerned). Good luck!
My mother wasn't there for my surgery. She came the day later to help me back on the train, since I was a bit out of it. I was glad she wasn't there. She'd have made preparation so much harder. Maybe you could tell her that it would be easier for you if she's not there worrying about you.
[QUOTE This may be the moment your mother needs to grieve for the daughter that she may feel like she is losing, which is def not what you should have to put up with on your happy day. QUOTE] Exactly. Im just not sure how to put that in a way that she will accept. Im going to try to make sure she understands that im still going to need help when I get back and she can support me through that. I need to somehow move into an apartment the week after so ill need all the help I can get. She would just make the whole surgery process soooo much harder to handle. My aunt also had a double mastectomy a couple of years ago so she knows basically what ill be in for and how to take care of me. My aunt totally agrees with me about this and has offered to talk to her but I feel like it needs to come from me. Congrats on your surgery Oddish!!
I am not a parent but if I may offer a few words about parents. No matter what the situation is that you're going through, dealing with etc. No matter who or what you are, (good, loving, caring) parents ALWAYS have some preconceived idea of how their children will grow up, who they'll become, what they'll do in life etc. etc. They don't do it necessarily on purpose, they simply want what they believe to be what is best for you based on their personal experiences, their hopes and dreams, and the socially implanted ideas of what 'the good life' looks like. So consider that before you judge your parents TOO quickly. I think by asking/offering to tag along, your mom is "trying" to show you she cares about you and supports you no matter the situation. I completely understand your hesitation but be careful not to slap away the hand of the person who could potentially be your greatest source of support during the good AND bad times to come. And life, all across the spectrum of human experience is not always sunshine and flowers, coming from someone struggles just to find a reason to get out of bed each day.
So good news, my mom recognized on her on that it wasn't the best idea for her to be there She realized that the three of us cooped up in a hotel room for a week was a recipe for disaster, especially because she doesn't get along well with my aunt. Thanks for all the advice, problem solved!
