I'm having trouble figuring stuff out

Hey guys.

Super new here, just joined because I saw how awesome this community is and I'm hoping I can get some support here haha.

Basically uhm...

I've always had dysphoria. I mean, I liked my hair, my skinny big feet, my skin color, things like that. But I have always disliked being a female. Not so much the style of clothes or the pretty jewelry or anything like that, but being biologically female. At the same time, while I enjoy all those things, I also feel more comfortable being able to decide whether or not I wanted to express myself as masculine or feminine.

The end result was me feeling - no, believing - that I am FTM. I accept that and I feel comfortable with that. It's nice! Yanno? Feeling like you've actually kinda figured yourself out! But before that, before I realized that that was what I was feeling, I figured I was genderfluid.

But then the dysphoria got worse until I couldn't do anything but cry if I saw myself in a mirror, or contemplate not eating much and exercising endlessly, in order to flatten my chest and butt. I'm not a big person, not very tall or heavy, only recently dipped into a healthy weight for my size after having been a little underweight.

So I talked to my significant other about it and he helped me with trying to help myself, I guess. I found what packers were and bought myself one, a few binders, things of that nature. And I'm excited to appear more like how I actually feel!

Even if I intend to wear both masculine clothing and feminine clothing.

...Which leads me to my dilemma.


I don't want to take T. I already hate my body and I really, really don't want to risk changing it for the worse (in my own opinion). I mean, it could turn out fine! I could find myself an attractive individual after all the changes. But I'm too scared to. That, and even if my voice is high, it's one thing I always got compliments on and I feel confident with it. To change it changes one of the very few things I like about myself.

I also don't want to stick with only presenting myself as masculine. I want to be able to feel like a man in a dress rather than a woman in a dress, if that makes sense. And I want to be able to flip-flop how I express myself as I wish.

I am afraid that I'm being pushed away from what I actually feel like: FTM. Yanno, simply because I don't want to take T or only express myself as masculine.

Feminine guys are beautiful, too... and that's what I wish I was.

So I identify as genderfluid-ftm. But I'm scared that I'm neither and I'm just a big ole ball of confusion...

And it worries me so much. I'm a skittish person, afraid of criticism and judgement, and I'm afraid that I'm going to be on the receiving end of a lot of hate for whatever reason.

Thanks for reading ;v;. Sorry for the long worried rant.