Umm...hi. I guess this is kind of an awful way to make an introduction, asking for help, but I'm a bit too distraught to go into the introduction spot before I do this. So, as you can see from my profile, I'm trans*, and I've been on spiro since December and seeing a therapist since October. The therapist back in December said I needed to be wearing just girls clothes and not any guy stuff (no complaints here on that XD) and she'd approve me for estrogen in June. and I did that. And so I've been going back to that therapist numerous times over the last few weeks since she said I need to so that she can tell the doctors to start with estrogen. And I thought it was going well. But now she cancelled my appointment and said that she won't see me again until I do what she says (go outside more, stop spending so much time in my room, tell them what they can do to help, stuff along those lines). But we've talked about this and every time it goes in a loop. She asks what my goal is, I say that it's to progress so the next goal is estrogen, then she says I have to go out and talk to people more and stuff and stop spending so much time in my room and asks what I need to help with that, I say I'd be better at it after a little while on estrogen and some of the physical effects kick in as well as when I lose a little weight, then she says that to get estrogen I have to do it. So to get the help I need to do something, I need to do it, which doesn't make the least bit of sense to me. And I really wanted to start soon because, well I don't think I need to explain the main reason especially to anyone else in that position, and because I hear a general timeline to most things being at least noticeable is 2 years and I'm going to university in under a year and I'm going somewhere overseas hopefully if all goes well so I'd like to enrol as me, of course. So I'm not sure what to do. I can't do what she says to without a while on the pills and a bit of weight loss (the latter of which I'm working on on my own) and she won't give it to me unless I do what she says. Even if I were to fake being okay and do it just to get approved, I don't know what to do. All my friends are online so I can't go places with friends. I've gone out to movies with family and even more times alone and I've gone to buy shoes by myself, but I guess those don't count or something. So I don't know at all what I'm supposed to do and apparently she won't talk to me unless I do it even though I don't know what it is to do. Does anyone have any ideas? Or similar experiences and can give some advice on what to do? I'm sorry for any spelling and grammar errors, I'm kind of a mess of tears at the moment.
That's fuh.. lame. Im sorry chick. I haven't even been to a therapist yet, but they better not pull that shit on me. My goal was to be on hormones while doing electrolysis before I get my trach shave. If they tried to hold it over my head and told me I needed to dress female to work and all of the time prior to anything- I'd probably explode on them and tell them to give me my money back and stop wasting my time. If you DO pass already, is it anxiety or do you feel that you don't pass and being on Estradiol or whatever they prescribe would help you to get out of your shell? If you've been making a real effort and she isn't helping you that sucks. Can you go to the movies at night or do something else in a safe area that you'd feel comfy with? If you don't live somewhere safe going out while not really passing could be dangerous or more damaging than if you started to have the physical changes while on hrt. I'm really sorry. Is there a support group or something near you that you might meet people to hang out with? Is she worried that you're not all in and might change your mind - I know she's doing what she thinks is best, but if you speak up and aren't accusatory or venomous when you do maybe that'd help her understand where you are and what is holding you back.
I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. It is totally understandable that you wouldn't want to go out until transitioning more, and what she is asking of you is really difficult. It sounds like your therapist is having doubts about giving you the drugs (and ultimately about you being trans). Not only does she want you to live as a woman before approving them, but it seems like she wants you to be a lively woman at that so that you have the experience of interacting with other people as a woman. Depending on where you live, there may be some events you can go to where people might be more accepting or- if they are not- then at least you could leave that event and never have to see those people again. That would be easier in a big city. Otherwise, you could just lie to her. But I think you should at least give it a shot or two before resorting to lying.
I really hope that doesn't happen to you. I'm honestly wanting to follow what you would do right now, but I don't know where else to go. I pass alright, I've gotten complimented before by a guy in an alley (it was kinda creepy) and get called miss in stores and over the phone and stuff like that. It's mostly anxiety and wanting to be 100% I can pass as well as no interest mainly. I don't want to go out, so why would I? Nothing I want to do out there, I'd rather spend my day online talking with my friends since they're in another time zone so going out for the day means not talking to them at all and that makes me really sad. That and I don't use restrooms when outside since I'm scared of going in either one for different reasons and I don't think I need to explain why not using the washroom when you've had been drinking is uncomfortable. I don't go to movies at night since simply I prefer curling up in a blanket once it's evening. I have gone a number of times during the day, though. Just in 2014, I've gone 5 times alone and 3 times with family and, looking at what's coming out for the rest of the year, I'll probably end up going another 2-5 times alone and 2-3 times with family. I don't like support groups. I'm not really comfortable talking to people offline, particularly on this topic. I feel like I have spoken up but she just talks over me and tells me either I'm wrong (in regards to being more comfortable going out after a while on estrogen) or I have some kind of mental health problems (not wanting to go out since I don't have any reason to and the anxiety). ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2014 at 08:32 PM ---------- Yeah, the lively part is what gets me there. I don't have much in terms of problems going out as a girl, as I said in the post I posted just after yours, I seem to pass alright and people call me a girl usually. Stuff with family's a bit different (extended family don't know, stuff like that), but that really shouldn't be a big problem. But the lively part, it's just not who I am and yeah she's really come across like she wants me to change my personality which, obviously, really frustrating. I'm not to sure what you're referring to with the events. Lying could be a good idea, yeah. Oh, and I should say, thank you both for the replies.
When she talks over you have you ever stood up and started to walk out? That's what i do to people. If they want to act more important or make my opinion seem irrelevant I just walk off. Then when they say, "where are you going?" I say, " you seemed perfectly ok talking to yourself when i was here so I'm sure you'll be ok. " I don't have a filter and don't believe in it. If I feel like I'm being ignored or not being respected I pipe up or boil over. I spent my early youth being around adults and they treated me as an equal from the time I was 4-5 and always respected my space and gave me a chance to speak. So as an adult I have problems with people that think they're the shit and all of their words are gospel. I'm right a lot of the time, otherwise I don't speak up. If someone points out that I'm wrong ill usually apologize, own up and then do something nice. If there isn't shit that you want to do outside or around other people I don't think it should be held against you. I don't hang out with people because I don't trust people and I don't need many friends. My best friends are over 2000 miles away and I don't have a need to replace them or meet people that won't measure up. If you are out to your family and present female when you go in public that should be enough. Did she give you like an ultimatum or anything? Sometimes therapists and people that study pschology come off as bully/know it alls. A degree from harvard won t magically enable someone to get me, it might help but if they don't know me and get what I'm about - they aren't meant to. Are there any therapists near you that you could even just email and ask if you are being treated properly? If youb feel like she put you in front of a wall, you either have to scrape out the mortar and brick by brick take it apart or blow it up. If you've been on t blockers for 6 months it seems like you'd be ready for the next phase. Since you probably wanted estrogen a long time ago.
I've never done that. I don't think I'd have the guts too. Plus I'd worry about getting in trouble with my parents. I'd consider that she won't see me again until I do what she says, and the only way to get estrogen is to see her and get her to say yes an ultimatum. I'm not too sure if there are. Guess I'll poke around on Google.
it's very strange to me that a therapist would refuse to see one of their clients. if nothing else, they get paid for each client, you'd think they would at least be driven by some self-motive... have you considered getting a part time job or volunteering somewhere in the community? it could help get you out and engaged.
She said it'd be a waste of both of our times. Though, yeah, as you said, I'd also think there'd be some motivation in getting paid. No, I haven't. Don't know where to look for either.
maybe you can ask your family if they have any ideas about stuff in your community? or if youre intrested in a job, look to see if any businesses around you are hiring?
My first impulse is to say that you need to fire the therapist. But then I think about it a little, and realize that (a) it might not be so easy to find a replacement and (b) the time it would take to develop a trusting relationship with a new therapist would set back your timeline, perhaps more that you're comfortable with. Then I think about it a little more, and I get really angry with the therapist. What she's doing to you, at least as you describe it, sounds unethical to me. Her responsibility under the WPATH Standards of Care -- as far as "writing a letter for hormones" -- is to affirm that: you have persistent, well-documented gender dysphoria; are fully informed and capable of providing informed consent; and don't have other medical or mental health issues that aren't "reasonable well-controlled." To hold a "hormone letter" hostage to force you to modify your behavior seems, as I say, to be unethical. I'd be pretty damn angry if a therapist tried to pull that with me. (Also, the business about demanding that you only wear "girl clothes"? That is SOOO pre-1990s, and contrary (in my reading) to the SOC's clear statement that "Mental health professionals should not impose a binary view of gender.") The one upside here is that at least you are on spiro, so you will avoid, or at least delay, some of the physical effects of T.
I don't really have time for a job, honestly. I have lots of school to do. The WPATH Standards of Care, are they supposed to be followed in Canada? I want to be sure about that since I could use that as support to change to a new therapist. And thank you both.
Yes, the WPATH SOC are an international standard, yes. I would expect that most Canadian doctors who provide trans healthcare would at least be familiar with them. (WPATH = The World Professional Association for Transgender Health.) One issue I've encountered here is that a couple of doctors I tried to see seemed to be adhering to earlier revisions of the SOC. The current (7th) revision leaves quite a bit more room for recognizing not-strictly-binary trans*folk, and they are clearer about being guidelines as opposed to strict, inflexible rules. But yes, If a mental health provider is unfamiliar with the SOC or not compliant with their guidance, that would certainly be an argument for switching to a different provider.
Alright, thank you. I spent a while this morning reading the current revision of it and it definitely makes me quite a bit more annoyed with her, considering that she says I have to live as me before hormones, whereas this says that isn't required. Guess it's time to look for another therapist.
