Yesterday, I got back from vacation in North Canton. While my husband and I were up there, we stayed with his dad. The whole time I was up there, I felt this pressure to be a heteronormative woman. It made me really uncomfortable and withdrawn. The day before we came home, I had a long conversation with my father-in-law's girlfriend about church and how the end is near and all this stuff. Anyway, she's very homophobic. I mean, extremely. She was telling me, "I don't know how much worse the world can get. It's legal to kill babies. We've got men marrying men and women marrying women. The world has to be coming to an end." I really hated feeling helpless and having to nod and pretend to agree. I felt trapped. I didn't want to seem rude by excusing myself. The worst part is that, when we get jobs up there, until we can find our own place, we'll be living with my father-in-law. His girlfriend lives with him and doesn't have a job, so she's at home all the time. I wanted to use this as a chance to start over, to live full-time as a man, but judging by how she talks about homosexuality, I know she's not going to understand being transgender. It sucks because I could tell her off. I had a good argument in my head for everything she said. She said, "How can you make a baby with two people of the same sex?" I could have said, "Uh...Sperm banks?" Or maybe I could have asked her about straight couples who don't want kids. Are they wrong because human existence is simply about the perpetuation of the species? Why is the world like that? Why are we all expected to grow up, get married, and have kids? What's so important about that? We would have reached a stalemate. Neither could have convinced the other of anything, I'm sure. But anyway, she makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to say anything because she makes my father-in-law happy (as far as I can tell), and if they love each other and are perfectly compatible, I don't want to cause any friction. I also don't want to cause friction between my husband and his family. His dad regrets not having a good relationship with him growing up, so I don't want to ruin anything. However, I don't want to live a double life. I know that if I do, eventually someone will find out something, and it will spread like wildfire. I guess, as much as I want everyone important to me to know, I'm terrified. I know that, eventually, the need will outweigh the risks, but for now, I'm trying to lay low. Has anyone had a similar experience? Any thoughts? Thanks in advance. I appreciate all of you. (*hug*)
Wow, you seem to be very trapped, i would suggest talking to your husband about it, if that does anything
He assured me nothing would happen as far as getting coerced into going to church, and he told me to just be myself and not worry. I guess he has a point. If I just am what I am and don't make a big deal out of it, maybe everyone will at least get used to my gender expression more easily. Then maybe I'd be able to come out later. He's still trying to wrap his head around my gender though.
As Peacemaker said, talking to your husband is probably the best course of action right now. On another note, how does your father-in-law feel about those issues? Does he have similar opinions to his girlfriend, or would he be open to being supportive of you?
I haven't asked him. He doesn't talk much, but I'd imagine that, if he's dating her and knows she has such opinions, he probably shares them. Conversation-wise, he's like a brick wall. He's really quiet. I dunno. I'm afraid to even find out. I guess I'm a wuss.
Nah, it doesn't make you a wuss. I go out of my way not to "poke the bear". If you don't feel like you can talk to him, maybe let your husband talk to him? The other option is holding it in while you live with them, and if you're like me, it will burn you up until you burst or get out of there.
It would be great if my husband could talk to him. I'm just afraid that, since he's not as familiar with the mechanics of gender identity as I am and not yet completely comfortable with my gender, I think I'd be putting too much pressure on him. He also would probably rather I do it since it's my life. I think I should probably just try to hold it in while I'm living with them. No telling how long that's going to be, but I'm sure I could manage it. I'd probably want to burst, but I'd be too afraid to.
Thanks. I guess I still have to figure out what's important to me. Sometimes, I'm really OK with my body and the way I am, and sometimes I just wish I could rip off my female exterior and emerge as some kind of Joseph Gordon Levitt character or something. A lot of it depends on what time of the month it is. If I'm ovulating or on my period, my dysphoria is nigh unbearable. Otherwise, I'm fairly content.
:-C Yeah... And thanks. Maybe at some point, my inner guy will just explode out of me. That would be awfully embarrassing, but I guess if it happens, it happens. I've been through divorce. I can handle anything! :lol: Not really....
