Questioning gender and possible dysphoria(?)

My dysphoria got a lot worse after I realized I was trans. I have had it all my life, but I never knew what it was

 

Yeah, sometimes having a name for the feeling makes you notice it more often.

Once I was diagnosed with ADHD I started noticing the symptoms of that more as well. I think that's pretty common for any affliction, disorder or what have you, including gender identity disorder.

 

If you believe you have a condition you may experience symptoms of that condition regardless of actual diagnosis. Physical, mental, and emotional states are effected by the belief or 'attitude' held by a person.

 

Hmm...I can't answer this question with certainty, so I will give you a bit of my experience. Make of it what you will.

My homeland is a country where in our language, there were no word for transgenderism until recently. The concept did not exist back then. But I was a trans girl back then. I didn't understand what it was, but I can understand that something was wrong with me. I wouldn't call my experience then dysphoric, but more like, confused. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin, and I love it when people say I looked like a girl, or people thought I was one online, but I had no idea why. I was just drifting around in that uncertainty, unable to do anything, because what would you do to something that you doesn't even know exist in the first place?

Then when I got a chance to study abroad to canada, things changed. I adapt a new language and immerse myself in the new culture. Then I found people with similar experience as me, but they had something I didn't: a name that they used to identify their condition.

As I finally grasp the concept of transgenderism, it was like a plug being released. All that muddle of ignorance, of uncertainty and confusion just drained away. But it dragged me along with it. I was shocked, stunned, and devastated by the knowledge of who I really am. It is the feeling when you realized that all the past years in your life was all a lie, and that you, yourself, were the liar. The feeling of self betrayal and hate was overwhelming. I find myself woken up from a bad dream, just to realize I am living in the nightmare that is being trapped within a body not my own, a prison of flesh. The depression that followed almost killed me. Dysphoria was what I would describe my every waking moment then.

As I finally found support in my life, and able to stand up on my own, I somewhat feel less dysphoric. Still, it comes around every now and then, reminding me of my situation. I don't even shave anymore due to fear of self harm when I get an episode and might skinning my own face off, and use tweezers instead. Would this all happen if I never found the concept of transgenderism and found myself? I doubt it. You can't notice something you don't know existing, that is what I think. It is only when I realized what has been happening to me that I finally experience severe dysphoria, as I slowly disassociating myself with my body.

That being said, not for one moment I regret knowing about my true self. Because of that knowledge, I can finally, truly, live.

I hope that help you somehow! >.<

 

RainDreamer, that was a very honest and nice post. Thank you for sharing it.

 

Well I had dysphoria really bad during the first stages of puberty. And have had spouts of gender dysphoria at random times nowadays. But within that very day or the next day I am completely fine. But I guess that is genderfluidity for you.