I think gender is ridiculous but I always think about it... and I don't wanna get close to people until I figure it out, I know I'm weird, but I have pretty intense self esteem issues... my socialization messed me up pretty bad. What can you do to just pick a gender presentation and forget about it? I know there's more to life than this stuff but I'm not ready for it until I feel comfortable with myself. idk how trans people do it, you guys are incredibly strong. (*hug*)
I don't think it's that strange or uncommon, since plenty of transgenders choose not to have sex or relationships before transitioning. Why would they, when it feels uncomfortable and wrong to go along with behaviors associated with their assigned sex? It's like a lot of gay people who discover later in life that they've never really found the opposite sex as fascinating as many of their straight friends.
Hmm. I have always read about "choosing" gender problems. You say you have problems with gender presentation... Do you mean socially? Would an androgynous look or clothes work? Or more accuratelly, why it hasn't worked?
@nick (I couldn't sleep in the end) Yes I'm struggling to decide what gender I will ultimately want to tell people I am and how I will deal with all the things that go with that. This world is still so frustratingly divided by gender and I just don't want to care anymore or deal with it but I have to.... and cis people give me some weird looks if I act oblivious to gender. I could do an andro presentation but I will just be defaulted to female by people, I did buy some boy clothes but I don't pass as a boy. (I'm short and curvy, it's a body issue more than anything right now) But I'm also facing the reality that it will be a transition in and of itself to living as a boy, and I may not get the naturalness that I wanted out of it anyway, and I may never look like an adult, and male gender roles are a really bad thing for me. But OTOH I have this thing where I feel intensely fake living as a girl and it makes me push people away. I don't know why I feel this way but it's pretty clearly not going away at this point. Something in me just constantly tells me I'm not a girl, even if I feel like I should be better off as one, I can't accept myself as one. I need to have been a cis girl to accept myself as a girl. There is only one man in my life, somehow I never talk to men IRL, but I'm very on-and-off in my friendships with other girls because in every interaction I'm fighting feeling like an impostor unless I come out as trans, which I don't want to do with people I don't know very well. It's just so much stress and I can't deal with it. Also when I get sexual attention from guys I feel like I'm leading them on the more we interact, and it scares me a lot. Did that make sense? Sorry if I got kinda long-winded :c
Jess (from the EC staff) mentioned once the idea of a deserted island. What would you do to feel comfortable if there was nobody to see you, judge to or to gender/misgender you? That could give you an idea what do you really want and how much your need is influenced by the outside world. If it is the outside world that cases troubles, you could focus on why the meaning of the world is so important to you (the need to be accepted, the need to fit etc) I doubt that any trans person here is able to pass right away. The baby steps seem to be essential. So, yes, you would be defaulted to female, but the question is Will you feel better and more comfortable with yourself in male clothes and perhaps looking like a tomboy? Feeling fake is something I also read often in posts here at EC. You are definitely not alone (*hug*)
Kay, see, I never understood this question!! I wouldn't care at all abt my gender if there was nobody to see it. I could look like whatever, as long as I had a functional body. Mmh, sure, I always want to be beautiful, but that just aids the hope of people liking me and thinking good things about me one day. It is a purely social thing to me though, whether it is actually socializing or imagining it.... I actually lived on a deserted island for a long time. Well, smth like that, bc I didn't get to go to high school. And I didn't really think about my body at all. Half of the time I barely even felt aware that I had a body. But, body dysphoria was never an element of my transition, the real problem was my body wasn't acceptable to people for a boy, or my personality... my body was mostly fine though, if I coulda filled in my hip dips and got better skin, I would have had almost no complaints. Well again not for myself, but I will feel better because I wont feel like I am misleading people, if I passed as a guy, then I could just be natural and free from having to think all the time about gender. Though I do not think I should have to look like a tomboy to live as a cis boy, this is just another thing that confuses me, you know? Why can't cis boys be pretty. Because socially, I want to be pretty. (*hug*) thank you so much for always caring nick!!! (*hug*) (*hug*)
My ears are burning This is honestly something I use to describe my own dysphoria. I think you got what I was trying to say with it. I get both kinds of dysphoria, but the body dysphoria gets in the way for me personally more than a lot of other things. But this is not a thread about me. So I totally get you wanting to be real with people and figuring out how to act naturally. Putting on a little mask whenever you talk to people is way exhausting. If you want or even need people to treat you like a guy, for whatever reason, then you do. If instead you need a little flexibility, then that's what you need. It really sounds like you're working through that part on your own and I don't think I can do anything but encourage you here. I definitely can't give you advice on this score. But as far as how to "pick one and run with it", I do have some experience with that since I did the double life thing for quite a while and stopped. It's a really gradual process I have found. It's really just coming out over and over again. It's different with everyone and every situation, but the golden rule I have found is that people like feeling tolerant. Stamping my feet and saying "you have to call me she now", I feel like that would not have worked for me as well as my approach. Maybe it does for some people, but not for me. I say this: "No worries if you don't, but it would really make my day if you called me 'she'" Or something to that effect. You know, just make people feel good about themselves when they are being nice to you. Kind of positive reinforcement I guess. I mean I am not anyone's mom and I'm not in a place where I get to tell people what they can and can't do, you know? Generally though, I guess that relates to another thing I have found - I already picked the golden rule so maybe a silver one? But it's "always assume people are nicer than you think they will be". I mean it's not always true. There are jerks out there. But if you assume people are nice you approach them differently, and when you do, they are typically nicer to you. When I catch someone staring when I'm in "guy mode" and I'm trying on a cute pair of flats let's say. I look them in the eye and smile at them. Typically, especially the ones who are staring fiercely, they will look away and be a little embarrassed. Most people, they'll repay a kind tone with a kind tone and a sense of humor with a chuckle. I have found if I keep that stuff in mind when I interact with people, it's real easy to just be myself more and more. It's easier to tell new people about me every time, I am more and more used to it. I feel better about myself, since people treat me nicely and with respect when my guard's down and I'm out as myself. Even when they don't, it doesn't bother me as much. I mean just the fact that I am not hiding this stuff any more. I think back when I hid, I was teaching myself at a very basic level "this is something you should be ashamed of". Now that I don't do that any more, I mean I'm cool with it if someone thinks I'm just the most interesting thing in their little world. Because it really is not that big a deal. So I guess, if I could go back in time and talk to myself like 10 years before I came out... well I was trying to go through the Navy right then so it's a little different 20 years though, I would say, just pick small stuff. You know the first time I was dressed as myself in front of another person, that was huge for me. But you know, if you pick small stuff and then just build on it, eventually you will just wake up one day and realize you are you most of the time. I don't know if with you that person will be a man, or a woman, or someone with a little more flexibility than that. But I really think if you just practice letting your guard down a little, then eventually the real you will come out, whoever that person is.
