How do you experience dysphoria?

For me, whenever I experience dysphoria, it feels like something's 'off' and I'm depressed because I know something's either there that shouldn't be or something isn't there at all. I remember one of the worst dysphoria flares I ever had was when I'd had to accompany my mother to a waterpark/hotel. I had to shave my legs, wear a female bathing suit, present female, smile through being misgendered. I was outright murderous by the time we got to leave the place. I moved out of my mother's only a couple months after that and honestly I've never been better.

Most of my dysphoria centers around how I'm percieved socially and with my top half. I used to have pretty bad bottom dysphoria but that diminished after I started packing, binding, and having sex. It's still pretty dysphoria inducing to be misread as female.

 

Sometimes I hate my voice. There will be no warning, no dysphoria, feeling okay and then suddenly when I start talking I get this weird feeling like someone else's voice is coming out of my mouth and it doesn't sound right and the whole world turns upside down and I feel sick.

Sometimes I can't look at myself in the mirror because I look and it doesn't feel like the person looking back at me is me. That gets better when I bind, cut my hair, wear clothes I like etc.

Strangely though, (and I think this is why I didn't recognize it as dysphoria for so long) all of my dysphoric feelings have really nothing to do with what other people see when they look at me or with pronouns or being misgendered by strangers...that doesn't bother me as much as sometimes when I hear or see myself it's really confusing because that's not--can't possibly--be me. I think it's just some sort of gap between what my mental image of myself is and what I am actually like (without binding, without consciously lowering my voice etc)

 

I've always felt a disconnect between my mind and my body, I don't even like looking in mirrors because it feels like a stranger looking back at me and I get depressed. I'm really uncomfortable with my body, I hate my chest and my hips and my bottom half. Even when I was a little kid I felt like something wasn't right but I didn't know what it was. I always wear really baggy clothes to disguise my body and if I have to wear tight clothing I get really anxious and depressed. Sometimes I don't even want to go out in public and have people looking at me. Most of my dysphoria is with my body but I do have social dysphoria too. I get upset when I see guys my age because it feels like they're living the life I wish I had, I feel like I was robbed of living the way I want to.

 

The biggest inducer of dysphoria for me is my voice. It doesn't sound like my voice. It's notably high, even compared to some female voices. I hate everything about it, hearing it makes me miserable. Because of how awful it is for me, I never sing, and try to talk as little as possible.

I used to get bad top dysphoria, and sometimes I still do but since I've invested in a chest binder, I've noticed that it's not so bad.

I don't get bottom dysphoria in the sense everyone talks about (genital dysphoria). I just don't really care what equipment I have, so to speak. But what does bother me is my thighs. I'm thin, and when I gain any weight it goes right to my thighs. I have a really dysmorphic view of them too, to me they're horribly massive, but I wear 28/30 pants. It's just that they're curvier than a guys, and they upset me.

Those are the main things that set it off. As for what it actually feels like, it varies. Sometimes it just makes everything feel really surreal and off. Other times it just hurts, like this physical pain in my chest and in my guts, almost like a grief, or a distress. Sometimes it's so bad it's the only thing I can think about, hyper-aware of the ways that my body doesn't feel or sound or look right, conscious of everything I say and do. And other days, rarer days, I hardly think about it at all.

 

I'm not actually quite sure that this even is dysphoria, I still don't really get it all. But I think so.
After all, gender dysphoria is the only way I found that explains it properly.


One part is the subtle pain inside, lika a hole in the chest, the wanting to crawl together under a stone, or jump out of the window.
The uneasyness of beeing me, like I try to be someone else (when acting as a girl), like I'm not living as I'm supposed to.
The feeling of living the wrong life and just wanting to disappear.
That's the most persistent one. It has eased a bit since I started to look at myself as a guy at least.

Then it's the furios part. When I get really really upset and angry and want to smash everything around me. It occurs mostly when someone points out that "you're" a girl, or when I have to do stuff beccause I'm a girl. Or when someone touches my chest (when having sex) or when I can't keep up with guys in typicall "guy-stuff" (like sports or technical stuff). Simply when it's really apparent that I'm percieved as a girl.

Then it's the disconnected feeling. Like, this doesn't belong to me, blended with hate and agony. This is mostly with my chest, and with clothes, jewlery and that kind of stuff. And with my birth name.

Than it's the envy. The feeling that I don't look like other guys, that I don't have what they have. The sadness, the envy, the grief.

And than it's the confusion. The fact that i actually think that I have a more male shape, a deeper voice, am stronger and so on. And than for some reason realize that I don't.

All this mixed up, I guess, yiepiekayey(!)

 

I just generally feel not-good. Sometimes it's brought on by my "time of the month" but most of the time I'll just suddenly feel super self conscious about my voice or my shape or my chest or my face etc etc

I won't be able to find clothes I'll feel good wearing, and usually whatever I pick to wear Ill regret later.

On the worst days it's hard to motivate myself to get out of bed.

 

I've hated how my face looks for so long. For years I thought it was depression and low self-esteem. But since I've been thinking about my gender identity, I can look in the mirror and sometimes see a woman's face, even though I have very male features. Seeing that woman's face fills me with happiness and ease.

 

Depression, deep deep depression kicks in were all I want to do is die. My more sain half/ my none dysphoric self likes to keep sharp objects out of our room. Usually I will with keep fake stabbing myself with a pen or write like 5 pages in a notebook, describing my thought process during dysphoria. I usually can't sleep, my stomach hurts, the back of my eyes throb. I also formulate ways to kill myself in the mornings (though I'm usually not dysphoric then.)

On the topic of how it's triggered:

1) faking being happy
2) my size (not very compatible)
3) once a line a trans youtuber said in a short film I repeated when talking to a friend "yeah something like that" it was small but it made me more dysphoric than ever.
4) when someone says I'm some masculine stereotype
5) ever single time I've wanted to confess to someone but couldn't
6) just anything else that makes me sad

 

My dysphoria usually manifests itself as a hatred for my voice (which gets rather effeminate when I'm nervous/excited/talking to strangers) and my face (which is really babyish and girly). I'm happy with the rest of my body because I've worked so hard to be happy with it.
I used to get really bad bottom dysphoria, and I still get it when I'm already dysphoric and in NSFW situations.

Usually now I only feel really dysphoric when I'm out in public and people are addressing me as "miss" or as a "she" because I don't identify as those things, and hearing them being used for me is weird because I don't realize they're talking about me, and then it turns into this out of body experience where I have to separate from my body to protect myself from getting too upset.

 

For me, I hate everything about my body. Sometimes when I'm alone and imagining myself as my male self, I really begin to feel like a guy, but once I'm out in public or when I'm reminded of my physical appearance, dysphoria hits. I get really angry and want to beat someone up when people use female names on me. Sometimes I just really hate the sound of my voice. When I see other guys, i get jealous and envious. I always feel this anger towards my brother, and I ask myself why did he get to be born the male and not me. I had a 50/50 chance and it went the wrong way. I feel as if I don't belong anywhere, and that my insides are being torn apart inside because I just feel so hopeless. There is often this sinking feeling in my chest of dread whenever I think about my future. It really hurnts me that I can't attract any straight girls, and that I'm practically invisible to them. I know that wouldn't be the case if I was truly my male self.:tears:

 

It's a sort of isolating, despairing feeling and it's difficult for me to articulate, but I can best summarise it in terms of, it's like a living hell. I feel like I'm trapped within a prison cell, my body being this cell, and there's no way out. It's a permanent sentence, and I'm trapped here forever. Outside of this cell, I see beautiful, handsome, and the even not-so handsome, cisgender men wandering around and I see them as freedom. I constantly compare myself to them, wondering why I was sentenced in this prison while they're roaming free, with everything I should've had.

In terms of what gets to me the most, since I'm post-hormones and top, I do feel much better about my body/myself but my bottom dysphoria has been flaring up more as of recent, especially in contexts of sex and masturbation. Sometimes, though, I'm happy enough with my parts down there, but other times I'd give anything to have a functioning, cis male penis.

Socially, if I'm addressed as anything female, that'll definitely trigger dysphoria for me. If I'm called "miss" or if I hear "she/her" in reference to me, I'll have a pretty awful day. I don't pass all of the time, so it happens more than I'd like for it to... And sometimes this dysphoria can be bad enough where it offsets a terrible depression and I don't feel motivated to do anything beside take my own life. Fortunately I haven't felt that way in a while, but it does happen, and it's excruciating.

 

Dysphoria feels like drowning. Maybe because I hold back tears every time the feeling manifest. It's a thick and hard feeling like a knife trying to cut a brick. I want to deflate like a balloon, put my knees to my chin and roll down a hill. It's a terrible feeling. I feel dysphoria every time I speak, my whole body is wrong to me. My boobs, my grapefruits, I want to detach them and hate them hanging from my chest like fruits on a tree. They're like visitors that need to go home.

 

This part of clockworkfox's post is a part I completely relate with and feel like. However, I don't know if I feel like I'm in the wrong body as much as hating the body I have (if you can distinguish the two). It also appears depending on who I'm with. When I'm with my super-girly friend, I am not as aware of it because my masculinity (or whatever small portion there is of it) seems more apparent compared to my friend. But when I'm with my cross country team, guys and girls, I start to feel very dysphoric because my voice is high compared to theirs (low compared to the girls', but still). And the guys can run circles around me, though I'm the fastest girl. Which makes me feel very dysphoric and sad that I can't do what they do just because I'm not built like a male or get muscle as fast as a male. Also, this gender segregation when doing workouts and stuff disappoints me greatly because I feel like I'm in the wrong group.

 

Social dysphoria isn't as common as it was say, six months ago. I'm at the point where I think I pass enough to not get misgendered; assuming I don't talk much (since my voice is what outs me now) and my fiance helps me get my beard on.

At this moment in time, it's with my physical being; mostly with dealing with intense cramps on the daily and knowing I'm pretty much forcing myself to take birth control to keep "the curse" away. I haven't had as much bottom dysphoria lately now that I have a packer, but sometimes I'll get depressed knowing that I can't feel anything when my fiance and I have sex. It's great when the phantom feels kick in (rare though) but much of the time it's...nah.

It can also kick in when I see other transguy on their journeys. It's either I get dysphoric with how my body frame is and my voice or I get scared shitless that I'll be on T for months/years and I'll have little or no changes to help me pass or feel comfortable in my skin (ex: vocal changes).

The feeling...it's hard to explain. Chase Ross described it as being in a cage that you can never fully escape from. Outside the bars is society's definition of masculinity that you see in magazines; what a "real man" is supposed to be. But around you are mirrors that show you that you aren't what they are (something like that). That's probably the best way to describe it for me.

 

There are a bunch of things I could say. My voice doesn't really bother me much ever, unless I hear myself in a video. Then, it sounds higher than usual and just sooo wrong, compared to how I SHOULD sound. Other things bother me more. Like my chest. I have a big one, which is like impossible to hide unless I have my binder on. And my curves.z i'm really curvy. And because of both of those, I get stared at by guys and hit on and stuff like that. That really sets of my dysphoria. I'm not out to most people, except a few friends and the boyfriend. So everyone thinks I'm a girl. And an attractive one like that. So I often get the stupid guys' attention and they treat me like a piece of meat. And I really realy hate that. It's one of the reasons why I hate my chest and curves so much. I'm not a girl, I don't want to be treated like one, or seen like one, and I don't want to get compliments or attention becauwe of my body. I wish people coild just igore my curves and chest. Plus, my chest is big, like I said. So unless I have my binder on, it's hard to ignore them or forget they're there. They just move around and they're constantly in the way, always reminding me of their existence. All that makes me feel horrible sometimes. Looking so feminine and getting straight guys attention makes me feel less manly, like I'm not a real man. It makes me worry that I'll never be seen the way I want to be seen, which makes me panic and depressed.

I also get bottom dysphoria sometimes. I hate that time of the month and I always get extremely depressed around that time. I've even gotten suicidal when I got it before, though I never tried actually doing anything. I hate being reminded that I have a female body. I hate being reminded that I can get pregnant. I'm a freaking man, I don't wanna carry a baby in me for nine months!! I don't even want my boyfriend to finish inside me...sex is another thing. I used to be okay with doing vaginal sex with my boyfriend. Now I'm not. I had a talk with him and we're goin to lay off of that, at least for a while. I told him it's just too dysphoric for me anymore. I feel like I should be doing the penetrating, not the other waybaround. And I am afraid of him viewing me as a girl still, ifI keep letting him do that. Doing that with him has made me extremely depressed and cry before. I've explained that it's nothing to do with him, and he understands that. It just doesn't feel right to me. I shouldn't have that body part. I should have a penis. I have trouble masturbating too becauee of this. And it's only getting worse for me...

I also grt dysphoric over people using the wrong language for me, which happens a lot since I'm not out to most yet. And one of my friends I'm out to doesn't understand it yet, so that stresses me out to. I hate talking to him about it becausehe just says the dumbest stuff and sets off my dysphoria. I hate being referred to as anything feminine. I wish I could fit in better with the other guys. I hate being around women, merely because of the fact that I'm reminded how even though everyone thinks I'm one of them, I am different than them. I don't fit in with them, never did. But I'm still similar to them, becauwe of my body. And that gives me dysphoria. But I get dysphoric being around guys too. I can relate to them, but they all seem so much manlie than me. I feel like such a baby in front of them, like I'll never be manly enough myself. Plus there's the fact that some of them like to hit on me. I'm not homophobic. I'm bi. But I'm not a girl. So I don't want to be hit on as one. If a guy hit on me but viewed me as a guy, that'd be fine. I just don't like them onlybeing into me cuz they think I'm a girl.