Constant Death Wish

You need to tell them everything you just tiold us. Tell them that a gender therapist may help? At least I've heard so. But you need to be flat out honest if this is life or death.

 

You have your parents and it's clear that they care about you. Talk to your parents about this. Communication is always good. Go and ask your parents what you need to be happy. When I feel overwhelmed or start to have a panic attack I try to think about the positive stuff in my life. Do some soul searching and meditation. That has helped me a lot. I did some soul searching a few days ago and I feel like I've changed. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to
Peace and Love
Sincerely : Biffle50

 

I agree with the above posts. Your parents love you, they want you to be ok, and being open about what is going on, along with the seriousness of it for you, would probably result in them giving you the freedom to do what you wish.

Secondly, life is a journey, an unfolding story with many chapters. I know that sometimes, when we are right in the middle of some terrible battle with some issue, we feel as though our troubles will never end. But you know it isn't like that. As you get older, you will naturally be given more and more freedom to express yourself anyway, and one day, no-one at all will be able to stop you (when you become an adult). Hold on to that. You will definitely get the life you long for, just keep yourself safe as as priority, because you need to stick around for that wonderful life to be able to happen.

 

Hey there,

So first things first you are definitely getting one of these (*hug*)

I was in the "out and can't do anything about it" boat for over a year, and it almost ate me alive. If you want to talk about anything at all I would be happy to help in any way I can.

Is there any way I could talk you into doing something nice for yourself today? Just for a few minutes. Video game, book, movie, whatever. No folks around that'll make you feel either like a guy or awkward, just steal some time away. If you have a little money I would really recommend a cup of hot chocolate while you do whatever. I know how it sounds but I am really completely serious about this, blow off obligations if you have to.

I mean I would be totally happy to advise in any way as far as trans stuff. There's tons you can do even closeted with no cash that can make being you feel not so far away. Just, if you are anything like me I have a hard time thinking about the future at all, much less in a good way, when I'm feeling like that.

It doesn't fix everything but this song sometimes helps me too, ymmv https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKsxPW6i3pM

 

Can you tell us what has happened recently for you to reach out to us? It's good that your parents care, even though they don't understand what you're going through.

Reach out to us by PM if you want, you need to know that there are alternatives and that people care.

 

Hi, you can PM the staff, please feel free to do so. Hot chocolate or a slice of pie does it for me, if that helps any!

We want you to be happy too. I'm sure it's the same for your parents, although, from what you wrote, they don't seem to understand just how to go about it.

Has there not been some acknowledgement of your dysphoria when you were being treated?

 

Good! I trust that this will finally be the help you need! Hang on until then, it is something to look forward to, but remember also that seeing a good therapist will be a lot of work on your part to tease out all the issues, so be prepared!

 

Laci, can I just ask about your relationship with the cutting? When you cut, are you doing it to cope or are you doing it to end it all? Many people cut to cope, but the way I read your original posting it's not to cope, it's to die. Can you say anymore about the cutting to help us understand?

From everything you've said, I totally get that transitioning is a really big thing and it's something you are really longing for, but can you say exactly what it would it mean to you? How would it change your quality of life? I ask this because you've presented two scenario's, transition or die and that sounds to me like the loss of hope will kill off that much longed for opportunity - an opportunity that would change your life and give it meaning and purpose. In contrast, what exactly would dying right now really mean?

I know these are fairly deep questions, but I don't mean them in a challenging way. God knows, I can sense the pain from the words you've wrote, but I'm just seeing a really tragic situation unfolding as your emotional strength crumbles away. What I'd really love to do is wave a magic wand and make it alright for you.

If you want to vent, or shout or scream, bring it on. It's a damn sight better than locking it all up inside or purging yourself.

(*hug*)

 

Thanks for clarifying Laci. Cutting is complex and when it's a way of coping it can seem strange to refer to it as self harm. I think that's why many people prefer the term self injury. When it's helping you to cope it's probably a negative postive (negative, because you are still cutting, but positive because it's helping you to cope and keeps the suicidal urges at bay). If other coping machanisms don't work it would be more harmful to not maintain the option to cut. I don't know if you've tried any alternatives to cutting?

Nobody wants to live a life with pain and sadness and you are struggling with both, so transitioning is a very attractive goal. It would, as you say, represent happiness and who you need to be and I think I can understand that. It might be a long process, but I can see how transitioning would bring the happiness and a positive end to the pain and sadness that you yearn for, but would death really do the same? I don't know the answer to that great unknown.. BUT, I can still see why it seems so attractive when you are enduring so much unhappiness.

I really hope you can find a way through this and I also hope you have an outlet for some of the difficult feelings here.

 

Well, this is a life or death situation here, and everyone around you need to understand that you are calling for help. Here is what I suggest: be selfish. Be fucking selfish and demand people to let you be your self, be respectful toward your wish, and be accepting. If they do not comply, cross them out of your life. Make them understand. Start buying female clothes, start wearing makes up, start telling everyone who you are and what you want them to call you.

Dramatic steps must be taken when your dysphoria is so violent. Force what is in you outward. Let it burn and be a signal to everyone around you. They may have not seen, have not recognize, have not believe, have not understand you, so be clear about your intentions and situations. They must be made to realize.

And think about this: would you want to die in that body? Would you want that to be your final image? Would you want to be remembered not as who you REALLY are, and just your shell?

For me, fuck no. As much as I hate my male body, I hate it even more to even think about dying and have it forever as my image. If there is an afterlife, I rather go greet it with my female form. And if there isn't, at least I will be content that I find myself at last.

 

I have definitely felt like that. Sometimes you just have to feel like you're making some kind of progress, like this part of your life's going to be behind you some day? That push is something a lot of us feel. A lot of what you described is, you are definitely not alone. But you know, I know you won't believe me, but a lot of us got through this and we are not better than you in any way. We're all scared and weak and secretly losing hope and pretending to be a lot more courageous than we really are.

I know it sounds ridiculously small, but one of the things that helped a lot, a bubble bath and candles that don't clash with the bubble bath scent. And I got my ears pierced. For some reason that really did the trick. I think it's because it was something that made me feel like I was really taking steps, and let my femininity out. I was scared at first, but I learned more and more letting me out people don't really care or even notice a lot of the time.

The other thing that helped, is I found stuff that wasn't tied to gender, or other people, to make me feel better about myself. At first I wasted tons and tons of time on Tetris. I like to think I'm pretty good at it by now but I'm only #6 on the leaderboard here But eventually I was able to get back into Iaido. Think of it as kendo or fencing you can do by yourself. It took a while to get my knees back in the shape they were in when I was a teenager. But I can't describe how much having that has helped. You're going to put up with a lot of stuff from the outside that's going to make you feel the way you feel when people treat you like a guy. That you can't control. But if your confidence and who you are are coming in from the inside, something that can't be taken away, that's different.

So I would really, really recommend picking something you can do, on your own, that will make you feel good about you. A lot of us trans people, even if we are not good at it, pick things like art or music. ESPECIALLY if you aren't, no one is "good" at first, in that it's always hard to make what's in your head come out on paper. Art is really nothing more than facing that "not good enough" feeling, over and over again, until it just shuts up completely. And I know my own solution is a little unusual. Practicing drawing and stabbing people with a sword is not exactly soft or feminine :lol: and it's something I would never ever use, if I were ever in a dark alley my weapon of choice is my cellphone and 911, I'm just not capable of hurting anyone that way, but I have found that practicing any kind of martial art makes you feel more capable, and in turn when I am feeling capable and like I can take care of myself, it is way way easier to let myself be more feminine around people.

So that's my from a real place advice, the trans 101 advice I'll save, both in case you've heard it before, and because I think it's really important to take care of you first. There is stuff you can do right now for free that is as important a part of transition as anything medical, so you wouldn't just be doing stuff to feel better, you'd be for real transitioning. I would even say all the most important parts of my transition, are things I did even before I started HRT. HRT would I'm assuming be awesome if you could make it a reality, of course, I'm just saying, you don't have to wait either for HRT or effectively someone else's permission before you start being yourself. It doesn't even have to be a part of your transition if you don't want it to be.

Really glad you're talking to us and welcome here by the way (*hug*)