Okay, so I've been feeling very confused in these past months and just yesterday I came up with the conclusion that I was a transman. How? Well... I was at school, inside my class trying to concetrate in my exercise, but I couldn't. The feeling of confusion telling me that something was wrong wouldn't let me. So then I stopped studying for awhile and said that to myself in my mind "we're going to think of ourselves as a man just for a few moments, if it still doesn't feel right, you're just a normal girl, okay?". I just wanted to have this feeling far away as soon as possible and I thought that identifying myself as a guy would be the only way to make me sure if I was or not a man. After telling me "you're a man" mentaly this feeling began to disappear. I looked around and found the boy I thought was cute just sitting and talking with his friends. I wasn't afraid of admiting to myself that I was bi, not a lesbian anymore. Thoughts about my future were I was happy came to my mind. Why? Not even a minute ago I wanted to just die, write a letter about me never being able to be myself and commit suicide. So that's it? The only thing that didn't let me be happy was that? My gender? Does that happen to trans people when they find out their true gender?
Well, first of all, I'm really glad that you didn't go through with suicide. (*hug*) Being transgender, for me, was a rough, hilly road. It goes something like this: Present as male to others - happy! Think I'm lying to others - shitty Present as female to others- way more shitty Found out I was transgender - happy! Came out to mom - way more happy! Asked for therapy - shitty Went to get a referral - the shittiest I've probably ever felt Declined therapy - the happiest I've probably ever felt Present day - pretty damn content. So, I suppose it ties into denial, although I wasn't exactly upset and confused all the time before I knew I was transgender.
