i don't know if you guys get this too, but i always feel so shitty in school. I don't know what it is, I've been diagnosed with depression AND social anxiety and i think I have dysphoria so maybe it's a combination of the three. I mean, it's so bad that every morning i feel like crying, and have to force myself to get up. I can't look in the mirror when I'm in school uniform because I hate what I see.(not the school uniform, i just feel so ugly and disgusting in it) When I walk around the school i feel extremely self conscious and i feel like crawling up into a ball and dying. I can't stand being around guys, they make me overwhelmingly depressed and jealous even though all i feel like i want want is to be accepted and treated as one of their own. All my friends are girls and they are the kind of friends i think everyone wishes for, but for some reason i have this extreme hatred towards them.(I think its because what i really want is to hangout whith guys). But they are the only friends i have ever had in the past two years and the idea of trying to make friends with the guys or even anyone else scares the fucking shit out of me. Every break i try to think of ways to spend time by myself or get away from them whith out feeling so self conscious but so far no luck and so every break i just force myself to hang whith them. And I hate it.:tears: Yeah, and this is exactly the same thing, every friggin day. If you guys have read the "that was dysphoria?" 8 signs and symptoms..... On free thoughts blog, then that describes exactly how i feel. School is a living hell. I've got my first day of term back tomorrow and am literally losing my shit right now. so yeah, can you guys relate to this? Or any tips on getting through this? :help::icon_wink
Yeah I have the same problem. Not much advice unfortunately I hate school for a lot of reasons, but if I wasn't trans it would be so much easier. I get such bad dysphoria and I just end up trying to hide in the bathroom or the library because I don't even want anyone to look at me. All my friends are girls too (mostly lesbians) and I love them but I always get grouped in with them and they try to make me become a lesbian or they make remarks about my body which make me so uncomfortable. I wish I could have male friends too but I'm too intimidated to talk to guys and nobody would take me seriously since I'm a "girl." I feel like if I was presenting as male then I could just relax and be myself but I'm so damn self-conscious and uncomfortable all the time it will never happen. And I try my best to dress as masculine as possible (I have no real guys clothes) and I don't shave but I just look like a weird gross girl. I hate school so much. I hope it goes well for you or at least try to get through it. It's nice to know I'm not alone though, school is hell
yeah, having no guy friends gets to me the most and most of my girl friends are lesbians too. Haha, the library is never safe enough (*hug*)
Yes, I totally relate. School starts tomorrow for me too (or actually, summer school for incoming seniors...) and I go to an extremely famous and prestigious ALL GIRLS' SCHOOL here in Taipei. The uniform, though not feminine (plain collared shirt and trousers or skirt), is instantly recognizable around the entire island. Which means, I literally will NEVER pass while wearing it. I will just get strange looks and get mistaken for "one of those situational transient butch lesbians in a girls school" (that's what people say...:tantrum What's worse, girls hit on me quite frequently but I am asexual/prefer guys. A lot of crazy shit has happened though I never acknowledge the fact that I know certain people have crushes on me. I try to avoid these conversations at all costs without having to come out as either trans, ace, bi or gay or whatever. The school, while being totally accepting of lesbian students, has NO IDEA of trans guys even existing on campus. So we (there's, like, two of us. I don't even know his name) just have to hold up with all the pink butterflies on handouts and universal female pronouns and shit. I want guy friends. I actually sort of like this school for its intellectual stimulation and school spirit but I want guy friends.
Are you out to your families? Have you considered coming out to your families? What do you think their reactions would be? If you happen to be one of those people lucky enough to have a supportive family, would it be possible for you to present as male outside of school? Maybe join some out of school group or trans group where you could meet some male friends?
I understand your friend situation. I have two best friends that I've had since kindergarten. I don't know what I'd do without them. We have barely had a serious argument throughout our 12 years together. But they are girls, and we've all made separate guy friends along the way, but I yearn for more because I want to be accepted as a guy and fit in as a guy. I love my friends but sometimes I don't want to be seen with them because I will be seen more as a girl with them (I'm kind of androgynous-looking when I want to be, haven't transitioned fully yet). This makes me more ashamed than anything, which adds more stress to the situation. I feel terrible; all people, girls or boys, should not be shunned because I don't want to hang out with them, especially my wonderful girl friends. The guys don't let me in because I'm not a pretty girl, a talkative girl, or a guy. One thing that has helped and is getting better all the time is being friends with a group of guys that are on my cross country team. I'm one of the fastest "girls" on the team so sometimes I can keep up with them. Let me tell you, you can try any sport out there, but cross country will always have the nicest people in it. There won't be many b*tchy girls or douchey guys on the team, like other sports. We recently just had a summer camp to bond with teammates, and I feel like I've grown closer to some of the guys. If you're good in something, join a group/club and try to be friends with the guys there, it's easier than a big group. If you're successful, they can introduce you to new guys outside of the club and your friendship range will grow.
how do you guys cope in PE? I find it really hard cos i don't have a binder yet and when I'm running around my dysphoria just hits me like a tonne of bricks. Also the uniform is really friggin tight and makes me feel shitty..... Haha i mean, I can't exactly explain it to the teacher. Do you guys have to do swimming too? Uggggghhhhhh:bang:
I actually loved my PE uniform a lot because it was several sizes too big for me, it was just a baggy shirt and basketball shorts, and it was the same for everyone, girls and guys. I hated swimming though, I had to wear this awful bathing suit and I hate having other people see my body like that.