Genderqueer anyone?

More or less, I've been searching more about genderqueer and I don't think it fits me so bad though I'm not labeling myself yet. I could be wrong, y'know?

 

I have a good trans friend who suggested I might be genderfluid. That was a huge step forward for me. I am still researching about it but it seems to fit me the most at this current time.

And I also been getting pretty bad gender dysphoria as well. A lot of trans* of all variants have dysphoria of all sorts. I get more social dysphoria than gender dysphoria though.

 

I'm feeling something similar and after doing lots of research I'm coming to terms with possibly being genderfluid. I'm born female and often bind my chest and shop for men's clothing (shirts, mostly.) but I now that I'm not trans. Sometimes I feel female, perhaps once or twice a week, but it comes like that. Most days I feel somewhere in between, usually internally androgynous and externally male, but I have a lot of days where I want to present female. I use they/them pronouns so no matter how I'm feeling a particular day I'm not misgendered, and in online communities I go by Charlie since it's my preferred gender neutral name. Gender is so flexible, and it can be really difficult to figure out but you don't have to fit under one label.

 

^ True.

But yeah, social dysphoria, it might seem worse to me because I already have social issues every once in a while and it causes me great anxiety and wears me out easily.

Basically to explain how it kind of feels like is,
Say I have a woman friend that I have feelings for, she is heterosexual and she doesn't want to get pregnant, well, I think "I'm the perfect guy for her", she doesn't think so at all, she apparently wants a cisgendered, cissexual man.
It is just a blocked wall that I cannot possibly get over or around. Especially sense I tend to change genders without my recognition or say so. I don't get to choose my gender for any day.

So it is just the social version of gender dysphoria, and it feels just as if not more crappy.

 

I consider myself genderqueer, but I've considered myself a lot of things. I do really feel like this is the correct identity, mostly because the others have been eliminated. Since I was five I wanted to wear female clothes, and was upset about how masculine I looked. For a while I thought my sexuality explained my gender stuff, but then I started to think maybe I was a woman. I looked in to genderqueer as well, but I thought it sounded to hard. I didn't ever do anything to change myself when I thought I was trans, I just didn't know what to do.

Eventually I figured out that I didn't actually desire to be a woman, and that while I would prefer a vagina and to be more feminine than I felt I could be, I would hate to have breasts, I would never want to wear makeup, etc… So I thought I was an effeminate man. I tried to look more male for a while, but I realized men actually felt like men. And they feel good about dressing and looking male, but it made me feel crappy, After that I just felt like it doesn't matter a while, and that I'd just be whoever I was. Eventually I looked in to it again and found that there was a word that fit everything I'd been experiencing, genderqueer. I know I've gone back and forth a lot, but I do think this is the right one. I've tried all the rest, and this is the first one that I feel comfortable being.

 

I'm a bigender, and I've had a really hard time figuring out. When I'm a girl, everything's fine, but when I'm a boy, I really had to think hard what was going wrong with me. It'll be a good choice to take some time.