Hello. I am Aki, 15 years old, born female. I'm questioning my gender identity. Well, these days it's more like, I'm struggling with gender identity disorder. I feel like a male.. I don't like to be reminded I'm female either, if it makes any sense.. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing female sexual charistics. I made a "binder" (quotes because it doesn't work well), and felt more myself when I was wearing it, though I wish I was flat like a male. I have also always felt disgusted with my female genitalia, and have been wishing I had a penis. In English, I feel amazing when I am referred to by male pronouns. But I am referred to with female pronouns because I haven't told anyone I wanted to be referred to as male.. I don't really feel that comfortable with female pronouns. In Japanese, I refer to myself as "boku" (male way to say I or me). I would love to go through top surgery, but I have the worst pain tolerance, so wouldn't. At the same time, starting testosterone would be nice because I want a male voice, but at the same time I'd never sacrifice my singing voice for anything.. Which brings me to another thing. I want to be androgynous. Still have a feminine face, and slightly long hair (chin length). I shave my armpits as well. I'm into the Visual Kei scene, a Japanese subculture in which the fashion, hair and makeup is very androgynous. Which means I wear makeup and sometimes skirts. The people in this scene are mostly male and identify as such, and are even usually straight. But even in Japan, there are few FTM who dress like this.. I noticed FTM's want to be.. Well, masculine. Sometimes more than the average cis guy. Despite of that, I feel very male. If I was born male, I'd still dress the way I do. Another thing that has me wondering if I'm REALLY an FTM, is that as a child I wasn't super masculine. I did activities of both genders. I played with toy cars and trains, but also with dolls. I had long hair and dressed pretty much like a girl (was more tomboyish before Elementary school though). I did mostly hang out with boys all my life, most of my friends have been male. I usually never got along with girls, especially as a child. And of course, I know that sexuality and gender are completely different things.. But as for sexuality, I like guys. Feminine looking guys, but still guys. I now call myself genderqueer. But to be honest, I don't feel like both or neither. I feel strongly male. Anyways, sorry if this was kinda.. Everywhere. I'm just really confused right now. I know I am young and have years to figure out my identity. But this feeling is growing stronger, the feeling I am not a girl. I know only I can know what I truly am. But I would like some opinions..
Hey man, liking feminine things doesn't make you female. If you feel strongly male, then that's what you are.
"feminine" or "masculine" aren't absolutes. If there were a society where all men wore yellow and all women wore green, there would be men confused about their gender identity for liking green better than yellow and women confused for liking yellow better than green. That's how made up all this stuff is!
FTMs CAN be feminine and are more often than you'd think. Not all trans guys are masculine and straight. Some are feminine and/or gay. You said you feel strongly male. Then that's what you are. What you like to wear and who you want to be with are irrelevant. Example of a feminine trans* guy I found on the net:
Okay, thank you everyone for your encouragement. I feel more certain now. Also, he looks awesome! Haha
Glad we could help. ^_^ Also, regarding your voice, a somewhat known transgender guy, Ryan Cassata, didn't start T for the same exact reason (I think). He has only got top surgery. And he's got long hair, too.
You said you feel male so go with that I present pretty androgynous too, plenty of cis guys do as well. If you feel male then you are male, gender identity and gender presentation are different things.
Hey, I do theatre and sing and wear tight jeans and you know what? I still feel male. Like Oddish said, expression, an ID does not make.
hey sorry this is a bit irrelevant, but I'm having trouble understanding the whole "feel male" thing. Do you just FEEL it, or is it like, what sex you feel most similar too or something else entirely?
I guess I just feel it... But although I feel more male, I think after all just genderqueer is good enough, at least for now. I do feel strange or dislike it when people refer to me as a woman or a young lady.. I hate my chest and wish it was flat, and I find my genitals disgusting. As I said in the first post. Speaking of that, when I wrote the first post I was really stressed out and going through severe gender dysphoria. This happens sometimes.. Sometimes my desire to be a guy is stronger.. Not sure if that's "normal" for FTM.. Anyways even though if I woke up male I'd be the happiest guy on earth, For now at least, I'm identifying as Genderqueer. I feel more comfortable that way for now. Maybe it's just a step in transition, or maybe I'll stay this way. But I know I'll never be a full girl. It simply just isn't me. Thanks everyone for your help
^yep the fluctuation in dysphoria intensity is pretty common for me at least. Especially around CERTAIN TIMES if you get my drift but yeah, use whichever label makes you most comfortable!
