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I just came out to my dad

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by itsAli, Jul 22, 2014.

  1. itsAli

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    So, I just told my dad I'm transgender, and I feel like I'm about to throw up.
    I can't stop crying.
     
  2. Acm

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    (*hug*)
    How did it go?
     
  3. itsAli

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    I went downstairs, my mum was out and she's been pressuring me to tell him for a while, I sat next to him, he was sat on the sofa head back eyes closed not doing anything, so I started talking, he didn't open his eyes or look at me. When I was done we sat in silence for a minute and he just said "You're too soft to be a boy." He didn't say anything else, his facial expression didn't change, he didn't give me any signs, then I went upstairs because i thought I was going to have a panic attack
     
  4. Peacemaker

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    "um what!?" you could probably give him time to process it or try and help him understand
     
  5. TJ

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    I'm glad you gathered the courage to come out to him. Super proud of you. (*hug*)
    The thing now is to wait. Give him some time to react, to think, and then talk to him again unless he talks to you. If he doesn't talk to you within a day or two about it, I'd go talk to him. It's important that you don't just let this drop or he might not take you seriously the next time.
    Can you talk to your mother at all? She might be able to offer some insight as to what he's thinking.

    Again, you're amazing for summoning the courage to do that. We're all here for you.
     
  6. itsAli

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    My mum already knew, I told her I told him when she got home and I told her I AM, and i'm no longer just questioning it. She said "I'm really gutted about this *birth name*" Then just stood there and watched me cry.
     
  7. looking for me

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    your mom needs to work through this process as well. you said you were no longer questioning so now she has something definate her world has changed the same as your dad's. they both need time to process this, as had been said. you are a very brave girl(*hug*)
     
  8. itsAli

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    Mum came upstairs and asked me why i can't just be a tomboy
    I told her because it isn't a choice and explained dysphoria
    She said "bullshit, I've been reading up and extremes like that stem from a young age, not just waking up one day at college where everyone's open and thinking i'm a guy"
    Me: "That's not what happened, as far as you're concerned it is, because I told you recently, it's been going back a long way, I just didn't have a name for it, remember Jason on Hollyoaks, the transgendered boy? I remember feeling like I was a boy, but not saying anything because I didn't want to be bullied and I felt like it's wrong, because I didn't know there was a name for it, then I saw him and I remember feeling jealous, remember feeling like I wanted that to be me, like I was him, and I felt better, because I saw someone else who was like me."
    She asked if I wanted surgery, I said I want top surgery in the future, and she told me to go out with my dad tonight to talk to him about it all.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2014 at 05:12 PM ----------

    I'm not a girl...
     
  9. Candace

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    I think that your dad needs some time to process. Wait to see what he says and if you need any extra support, then go to your mother for help. She's okay with it, right?
     
  10. YaraNunchuck

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    Another thing is that you're in the UK with a highly supportive free NHS. Every health professional will back you and not your parents. Nothing your mother said is ever likely to meet with institutional or professional backup. I'm not familiar with your situation, and I defer to trans UK based people to say more, but if you go to your GP and initiate a process it is likely you will be able to get support from primary/secondary care people. They may be able to actually certify your dysphoria, etc., but more generally, few parents are likely to argue with a battalion of experts.
     
  11. Pax

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    Hang in there...they might both just need some time to process.

    Your Dad's comment - "You're too soft to be a boy" - strikes me as an attempt to buy time. It's not acceptance but it's not complete outrage either. It sounds more like a case of deflecting the real issues until he's decided what he thinks.

    Anyway...well done. I'm sure it all feels a bit raw and upsetting at the moment but I have enormous respect for your bravery. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Yannick

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    Remember that what your parents say it's not the absolute truth. They don't know you as well as they think they do.

    Your dads comment was very offensive. And he couldn't even look at you while saying it! I see that you were not the weak one in that situation. You are not weak. Don't be afraid to be soft either if you feel like it.

    Anyway! Congratulations for coming out to him anyway! It's hard but you did it. Be broud of your courage. :slight_smile:
     
  13. Jenna0780

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    Family is always the most difficult group of people to come out to. As everyone seems to agree, your father may need time to process what you've told him, and will probably need to learn more about it. When my mom came out as transgender, they had a very similar reaction. Many people don't know how to handle it when it's right in their face, especially parents, since they've raised you as a girl your whole life, never knowing your feelings. I know my grandparents were very confused, because my mom had a good childhood at face value. Often times they don't realize how much their children struggle on the inside, and how good they are at hiding it from them. Many parents even feel "to blame" because they didn't notice the internal struggles of their child.

    You are a truly brave man to take such an enormous step, and I'm so sorry to see you hurting despite your bravery. We are all here for you.
     
  14. looking for me

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    Im So Sorry:icon_redf:eusa_doh: i just saw Ali and forgot to engage brain. i have a friend named Ali who is a girl and....... so sorry.
     
  15. itsAli

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    Na, it's fine, everyone brain farts every now and again

    Thank you all for your support, you don't know how much it means to me
    It hurt that dad said "you're too soft to be a boy" because one thing he was always proud of me for was my bravery, it's nice to see he's forgotten about that
    Worst case, if he is unaccepting, I only have to live there for another year, and I have at least 3 options to move out if need be. (&&&)
     
  16. looking for me

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    You are Still Very Brave.(*hug*)
     
  17. Yannick

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    If my father said the same thing to me I would be deeply hurt. But remember that he doesn't define you. You can be hurt and that's your right. But still what he said is not absolute truth. You will be out of there after that year and then you are free. You are brave.
     
  18. DhammaGamer

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    The important thing is that you have told them both exactly how you feel. As you continue to move forward in your transition they will begin to realize just how real your situation is and will be forced to come to terms with it, for better or for worse. You are a very strong young man, congratulations, hon. One less thing to worry about :slight_smile:
     
  19. Mirko

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    Hi there! You did what you needed to do, and felt it was right for you. You know what? That counts. Pad yourself on the shoulder for having taken that step, and came out to both your parents. Your dad might not have taken in the entire message (just yet), while your mom seems to be a bit further on that, but you have done your part.

    One thing to remember is that like you, both your parents need to come out. Your parents have to come to an understanding what it all means to their dreams for you, what it means to them. They have just started to realize that something is changing; something that they thought will never change.

    Eventually however, they will arrive at the stage of acceptance. There is going to be some grieving of having lost a daughter but eventually and as you continue engaging them on what being transgender means to you, and why you are wanting to transition, they will come to accept it, and to start embracing having a boy instead. It will take time. Give them the time they need, but also be there for them. (*hug*)