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Feeling like I am selfish for wanting to transition

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Yannick, Jul 22, 2014.

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  1. Yannick

    Yannick
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    I have talked about this before. I have been with my partner for 5 years and he is straight. He can't accept me or want me as a male. He could deal with me being androgynous female though he knows I am not a woman. He wouldn't mind mastectomy but he doesn't feel good if people see me as a male. We have planned our future a lot. We are not married but we have been living like we were.

    The thing is that I can't cope without transitioning. I want T and mastectomy. I have been having suicidal thoughts when I think about life without transitioning and even when I think about all the waiting before I get T. I seriously feel like I can't stand being alive if I must live as a woman. But I feel selfish. Am I going to destroy all this just so I could be hairy and being called a man? I feel like there is no choice but he feels like he doesn't matter to me because this is so important to me. To me loosing my chance to be who I am would feel worse than loosing him and I can't live with this body being like it is and be me and it makes me feel selfish.

    How do I even begin to deal with this? It's like I want to eat the cake and keep it. It's impossible to continue without top surgery and T but it also feels impossible to leave him. Again I feel selfish. It's worse that everyone around me who knows about this is doubting me and denying the thing. I am angry all the time. If I carry on like this I will get bitter.

    I feel I am the selfish one, the bad one who only thinks about himself. Spoiled brat who can't make any sacrifices for other people.

    Have you dealt with this kind of thoughts? Are you dealing with them?
     
    #1 Yannick, Jul 22, 2014
  2. Acm

    Acm Guest

    As difficult as it is, I don't think you should let someone else keep you from transitioning. It sounds like life is almost unbearable for you, and it's not healthy to force yourself to live like this for the sake of someone else. It's not selfish to want to transition if it's somthing that you need. And if you don't do it you might hold it against him which wouldn't be good for the relationship.

    I have a lot of the same fears though, this is basically why I haven't come out, because I'm worried about the effect it would have on my friends and family.
     
    #2 Acm, Jul 22, 2014
  3. ProtegeMoi

    ProtegeMoi
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    I justify it as either ending up miserable and dead with them or having a chance at happiness. If they don't want me to be the me I need to be happy, then ill make new relationships. There are billions of people and to think the small group that knows me is all there is is just silly. I value relationships, but this is survival. And living miserable isn't living its a waste.
     
    #3 ProtegeMoi, Jul 22, 2014
  4. RainDreamer

    RainDreamer
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    Transition is a selfish act. You are doing it for no other but yourself, and you should really be. You are the only one who will truly feel the direct effect of having your body confirming with you inside. Outsiders can't understand that as they are not in your head. But, it is necessary. For some, it is a matter of life or death, and at that point a little selfishness is needed in order to survive.

    You should really make it clear to your partner how you feel about your body and about him. Try to handle this maturely if possible. It doesn't have to be ending up in conflicts, and both of you can come out of this still staying as friends.
     
    #4 RainDreamer, Jul 22, 2014
  5. Yannick

    Yannick
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    Thank you. This really is indeed about survival. If I stay like this I won't actually live my life. I would just some lifeless thing (it is known). If we break up we will both feel bad. He will feel lonely and all that but maybe it will ne easier to him still than for me trying to live as a woman. He would live and have a chance. I would not have that and I know it. He has family that could help him.

    I have tried to deal with this as maturely as possible. I hope I get to keep him as a friend but he has issues and he is also trying to make major decisions in his life right now. He thinks I am being unstable and overly dramatic. He is blind about his own behavour while I am judging myself maybe too much wich is not the healthiest combination.

    He says also that I don't understand how lonely it is to be considered unattractive by most people and how hard it is to make contacts. He thinks it would be easier to me to be a woman than a man most people would find unattractive. I still think he is being wrong. It's not all about sex and relationships.

    Maybe I should stop trying to make him understand this completely just now. It is never going to happen.

    I almost bought a t-shit that quoted Kurt Copain. It said (it went something like this): "I would rather be hated for being something I am than being loved for something I am not."

    Making actual decisions is still so hard. Why can't there just be a button to press and all things just happened?
     
    #5 Yannick, Jul 22, 2014
  6. Raatox

    Raatox
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    Oh, I'm having similar thoughts. But it's about coming out to my parents. Me being a guy turns their world upside down and they can't really understand. I just want them to be happy. But I CAN'T go back to try to be a girl and stay alive. And i do think (and hope) they are happier to have a happy son than a suicidal daughter in the long run.
    But I think to myself that I am the only one that I will live with every day, every second of my life. I am the only one I can't run way from. I am the only one that will always be there for me. I have to trust myself. I have to make myself happy. I have be true myself.
    And, as my best friend keeps saying when I'm sad about the whole shit, The only thing that matters is in your head, the body is just a shell that we use for the purposes we want to.
     
    #6 Raatox, Jul 22, 2014
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