It's amazing, because I've heard all the transgender stories before about feeling trapped in the wrong body, but I never imagined that I would ever feel that way. It's very confusing and upsetting because this is recent- I've always had slight leanings towards feminine things but never had such a strong desire to act like and be the opposite gender before. So, now, I'm at the point where I'm starting to dislike my body. One because of my increasing gender dysphoria, and two because of my stupid sleeping disorder. I've had to contend with both, in an otherwise happy and fortunate life. I've been single for a while now, but I fantasize about taking over the body of my ex-"girlfriend"- more so than being with her- I just want to be like her- I imagine the dresses she wore and I just want to be that beautiful woman. But of course, in reality, I wouldn't want her to lose herself. I think it's all a combination between missing her, caring for her, idolizing her, and contending with my gender dysphoria (which has gotten in the way of forging new relationships with women). Anyway, this post is not meant to be directed towards any particular purpose, I just needed to vent (again :/). How can I handle these feelings when I'm still largely uncertain about transition and don't plan to take it on anytime soon?
Give it time, that's what I'm doing right now for myself. I'm still uncertain about everything to a small degree, but I'm a lot more certain than when I started out. I'm assuming it will get better from here. When you're feeling dysphoric, you can distract yourself with hobbies, work, etc. I completely understand what you mean about seeing someone and wanting to look like them instead of feeling attraction to them.
The only problem with letting time take its course is that every day is a struggle in a number of ways. I already know for a fact that I have gender dysphoria, but what I don't know is how severe it is. I'm not sure whether I'd simply like to express my emotions like a woman does or if I want to actually be a woman. I'm not sure whether I want to frolic around with long hair and sundresses often, or whether I actually want a vagina. I vary on these viewpoints depending on the moment. There are times where the inner desire to be a female is excruciating (most so when I'm horny, because I'm straight), and there are other times where the desire is barely existent. There are even times when I wouldn't want to be a woman, so I can't say in stone which gender I want to be and whether I want a sex change- only that I feel absurdly oppressed right now regarding my feelings, and the inability to be myself at any given moment. Which is ridiculously frustrating and upsetting. There is also the variable of simply being an emotional highly sensitive male, as the many men who have this genetic makeup feel that they need to repress their emotions to a culture that doesn't praise men for any emotional qualities. It stinks- I feel repressed, and don't know what to do. The idea that I can even be a girl inside is such an awkward embarrassment to me that I don't want to admit it- not even to the people I trust the most, and believe would understand. I can't see a gender therapist to sort through these feelings either because my parents would find out. It's the same reason I can't crossdress to my heart's content. So that leaves the forums. So yeah, waiting is hard, and very very saddening :/ Any advice and support at all would help.
