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*TW* Worst Thing about being transgendered (maybe triggering)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by RayXxx, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. RayXxx

    RayXxx Guest

    The worst thing about my gender dysphoria is that not only do I hate having a female body ( everything about it), but the thought of being stuck in it the rest of my life depresses and angers me in more ways than you can know. This is the honest truth of how I feel. When I look into my future, I just see dread and misery, I feel as if I can never be happy. Even if I were to transition, it would not be good enough for me. It can be costly and it won't change the fact that you're still biologically the sex you were born with, just a more mutilated version of it. I know transitioning can be good enough or uplifting enough for some people, but for me I don't think it would really help since I would always be reminding myself that it isn't real.

    So for everyone else, what's the worst thing about being transgendered, for you personally?
     
  2. Just Jess

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    Re: Worst Thing about being transgendered

    For me it's hormones, although bathrooms are a close second.

    I'm really not understanding though what you mean by "mutilated" ? In my view I'm no different from anyone else that corrects a physical handicap once I get bottom surgery; eye surgeons don't mutilate people's eyes with lasers, people that get cosmetic surgery after a motorcycle accident aren't mutilating themselves.

    As far as whether I'll be a "real" woman... you know the further I get into this the easier it is to not worry about that. I guess I view physical sex differently than you, but the way I look at it, every single part of the human body responds to estrogens and androgens, and the only difference chromosomes make is which of those chemicals your body makes naturally. So just personally, "has mostly boy parts = male" just makes more sense to me. I mean that accounts of course for all the different chromosome variants, XXY people etc, and that way, you know, a man who has an operation to get rid of his testicular cancer is still a man, and a woman who gets a hysterectomy or goes through menopause is still a woman. I mean I am pretty sure a lot of cis people would get up in arms if either of those people tried to use the other's bathroom; people are awfully selective about whether they'll accept genitals as defining sex. Honestly I find other's definitions to be pretty wishy-washy on the whole; I feel like I've been fairly consistent with mine. And of course, let's not forget the most important criteria IMHO. Mine definitely passes the "what kind of people am I attracted to" test.

    But as I come along, I think the definition of "woman" as opposed to "girl" means to me than "woman" as opposed to "man". I didn't start out a woman. No woman does. Just like any other woman, I earned it and am earning it through experience. I'm just starting at a different place. My transition has helped me reach the point where enough feels right, that my definition of who I am, my goals, my dreams, just plain matter more to me. If someone else doesn't consider me a "real" woman, well, I don't consider them a "real" man or woman either. I consider them a boy or a girl, because they have a childish attitude, at least if they're trying to convince me to see things their way before even hearing me out with no frame of reference.

    But I don't consider you one. You have reasons for feeling the way you do, and I will definitely listen if you care to share what those are :slight_smile:
     
  3. RayXxx

    RayXxx Guest

    Yea, thankyou for your insight. I know what you mean when talking how the physicalities of men and women are really all just determined by slight chemical differences ( from chromosomes). A man can still have his genitals removed and still be a man, or visa versa for a women. So by my understanding, it doesn't really matter if one was physically born a male or female, but rather by what he/she sees themself as, despite their chemical makeup. I don't see transgendered people by their biological sex, because I understand that spiritually and mentally that's who they are. So leaving out all the physical stuff, what really matters is how you feel about yourself, how you see yourself as, which is what really makes you, you. I apologize if I offended you in anyway; I was just expressing my emotions, but I definitly see both sides.
     
  4. hiddenxrainbows

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    I definitely understand what you're saying. I haven't started transitioning yet, but I can relate to just seeing a dismal future. I am scared that once I start going on more with this, that it'll just get worse. I'm afraid I'll be rejected by my family and others. I'm afraid that no matter what all I do, I won't pass and it won't be good enough, I'll never be satisfied or happy with my body. I'm just afraid I'll never be happy, I'll always be depressed and stuff. So I know what you mean. And I know what you mean about feeling mutilated. Of course transition methods have improved a lot, since they were started. But it still doesn't change everything 100%. I'm afraid I'll still not be satisfied with my body, even after transition. Somethings will still be different than a cis man's. And that sucks.
     
  5. anonym

    anonym Guest

    I feel exactly the same. In fact, I have given up all hope of ever being happy. At best transitioning will make life slightly more bearable but I will never be happy with my body. I have become angry and bitter towards cis people and now I am even turning against my fellow trans allies. I watch transitions on Youtube and realize I have no hope of ever passing as well as the majority of trans guys. This angers me even more because not only am I trans which I would never wish to be in the first place but there is no chance of me integrating into society as an average looking guy post transition. If I had to be trans, why did I have to be so short and so pale? Why did I have to have such feminine features? Being trans makes me feel that I don't deserve anything in life. I constantly question the point of my existence and can only make sense of it as some kind of cruel punishment that I must endure to earn my place in some other life which follows after death.
     
  6. Harp Grey

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    First of all, I DON'T say this because of "This is just a phase, you will get over it eventually"-reasons, I just tell about my own personal experience and I know that it doesn't work that way for everyone. I'm saying this because the view on oneself and the world can change as time goes by and experiences are gained. I don't believe that you can know for sure you will never be happy. What is true today might not be tomorrow. At least I hope so.

    I felt exactly that way when I was younger, before and during part of my transition. I knew I never would be happy because of my body and the feeling of not fitting into society. I knew the best I could do was to transition completely and live stealth as a regular cis-guy.

    But as I gained more experiences and got further into transitioning I slowly started to adjust myself. Starting with testosterone injections and having my chest surgery did very much. I also started to hang around with LBGT+ people and feminists which gave me new perspectives on the world. I started to appreciate the fact that I'm trans* and the experiences and perspectives it has given me, and that I can use those experiences in good ways. Slowly I realised that I didn't hate my body and didn't want to go further with more surgery. I even stopped with the T-injections because they made me feel like stranger to myself. I felt that I can be a guy in my own way.

    Nowadays I love my body, it's still partly female but it doesn't give me gender identity-crisis any more. I never thought I would love my body, and I absolutely never thought I would love my body without T-injections and SRS. It's such a big relief and even thought I'm not happy in every aspect of my life (yet) I am definitely happy about my gender. Finally.

    I really hope you will find happiness. For me, I found it before I transitioned completely. But we're all different and I hope you find your way. Good luck!
     
  7. Daydreamer1

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    In high school, it was knowing that leaving the house can put me in danger--as I'm out to my entire graduating class among other groups. Even going to work could put me in trouble.

    Nowadays, it's knowing I can get far, but I'll never be complete. I'll always be a piece of furniture that didn't come with enough bolts or screws. It looks safe, but it's wobbly and can give at a moment's notice. I hear guys give advice on dealing with bottom dysphoria, but it never comforts me fully. I can't mourn the loss of what I should have had since I feel like in order to mourn, I should have had it from the start or at some previous point so I had a connection with it; thus it means something.

    Probably the other is that transition is a mystery bag, not knowing what you'll get and how I will more than likely never be stealth. Everyone will always know "hey, there's that trans guy.." which is something I want to escape from.

    The former has me crapping my pants in terror sometimes. I see guys who look amazing, then I poke at myself knowing for sure I won't be close to having what they have. Big arms, strong legs, enough ###### to keep your face toasty in the winter without being a hobbit, a fantastic deep voice...then I see others who are somewhere along the way and they don't have many changes to note at all...then it has me terrified I'll be in that boat; still sounding like a 10 year old to the point where I can't even pass over the phone (let alone in public).

    It sometimes makes me wish I could just be happy with what I have, but then I get deeply depressed again and I have to stop myself from thinking about it again before I get bad.
     
  8. Apropos

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    It's the fact that if I wake up tomorrow feeling ruggedly handsome and dapper people are still going to use female pronouns and it kills me a little each time.