please help

ok, so I mentioned this stuff on another thread, but I feel like i need to again, cos i didn't get much replies.
Ok so over my whole life I've very slowly been becoming more and more jealous of boys. It was always a faint longing, or an ache in my chest. It started getting worse around when I was eleven in intermediate school, and now in high school it's been getting worse and worse faster and faster to the point where i get so depressed and upset that I have to get out of class to cry. I definitely know it's more than a sexuality thing, too.
So at the same time this other thing was growing at exactly the same pace alongside this feeling. I was starting to feel this horrible feeling when I was around my friends (who are all girls by the way). I would feel this deep hatred towards them, this nauseating sick feeling when I was around them, and all I could think was, "I need to get away from them, need to get away....". I've always felt happiest doing things on my own, but I've also struggled with loneliness in the past. But after making more friends and that treated me better, the feeling to be by myself just got even worse, and at the same time, my longing to be male became overpowering. When I see guys, I feel like they're living the life I should be living, and that they stole that from me somehow. This leads me to feel intense anger towards them too, which completely breaks me down, cos i can't feel ok with ANYONE, and have to be by myself all the time, and that sucks too, cos I have horrible self hatred as well, but at least it's better than taking it out on my friends.
But thing is, I'm also paranoid about "sounding like a girl". It's more than voice dysphoria, i deal with that too, and it's not about sounding feminine. I've become paranoid, and I've kind of got these stupid ideas in my head of, "how guys talk", even feminine guys, so that's how i know it's not about about sounding feminine. So now whenever I say ANYTHING i get this horrible wave of doubt and self hatred, because I think i don't "sound like a guy".This makes me extremely depressed, and I don't think there is anything i can do about it until I find away to get this stupid idea out of my head and learn to accept myself somehow.

These problems, are tearing me up inside, I don't think I can even cope with this anymore, and am actually trying to think up an excuse for me to do a vow of silence and not talk at all for like a year or something. That would actually be heaven.

Sry long post, but my situation needs a lot of explaining. I would really really really fucking LOVE ANYONE who could give me any advise on how to work out this friggin nightmare thanks guys, ur all amazing (*hug*)