I usually would think that I wasn't genderfluid, but I've only started thinking about it that much now. I don't feel like my actual identity changes, I'm always the same gender even if I can't quite pinput what that gender is. I'm not sure if I'm agendered or androgynous or something that doesn't have a name. I've had lots of different guesses so far, so I don't really know what my gender is. My hunches tend to change, but I don't think the actual feeling does, just what I think it means. I don't really know how an androgynous or agendered person is supposed to feel, because I haven't really met any. Because I don't understand it fully myself, I just use the very broad term genderqueer to describe myself. As far as expression goes, that changes all the time. Some days I feel like I want to look really butch, but other days I feel like I should look more feminine. Most days I prefer to wear a mix of male and female stuff. There are days where I would feel really hot if I am in nice mens clothing, but there are times when I would feel ridiculous in it. I don't really have access to much female clothing other than accessories because my grandma does my laundry She's not going to be alive much longer, I don't see why I need to freak her out now. I don't think she even knows trans* is a thing, or if she does, she probably doesn't know how it's any different from being gay. She knows I'm not straight though. How dysphoric I am about my body tends to change, but I haven't noticed a pattern relating to wether I'm wearing boy or girl stuff on those days. Instead it changes with how nervous I am in general. Even when it's not bad, I always think that my ideal body would have very little hair, a vagina, and no breasts. I feel like if I had breasts I would really want surgery, but in my male body I don't feel a strong need to change anything, other than by shaving. Somedays male pronouns kind of bother me, but most of the time I don't care, because there aren't really satisfying pronouns for whatever it is that I am. I generally say my dysphoria isn't that bad, but it has been bad at times. Up until now I've thought of it as just being general non-conformity or that my style is based on whims, but I suppose I'd like a second opinion. ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2014 at 04:44 PM ---------- Just to be clear, the main thing that trips me up is I don't wake up in the morning and think "I'm a guy today", I wake up and go to get dressed, and then I figure out quickly what clothes I feel I want to wear. I don't feel like I actually am a man or a woman at any given time, so that's what I don't know about.
Well, the way you present yourself to the world sounds genderfluid, but you don't have to adopt that label if you don't think it describes you internally. I don't wake up in the morning and think "I'm a guy/girl today" either; I find out what I am for the day when I go to get dressed, lol. Sometimes throughout the day I'll notice that I feel or am acting boyish or girlish, but other days I'm not really aware that I'm anything but me.
Some of these things sound like you could have found them in my brain! I too am mostly okay with my body (though I do think I'll eventually want top surgery to remove my breasts because UGH) and my gender expression is different depending on how I feel each day. Sometimes I'll put on a thing and be like nopenopenope and have to change because it's wrong for whatever reason. Idk if that's how you feel, but happens to me on the reg. I also hear you on the pronouns front. I've never heard one that sounded like it was about me, so I just let people use whatever they want (people who have known me for a long time use female pronouns since I'm FAAB and largely in the gender closet) I also never feel like "I am a man" or "I am a woman" regardless of my dysphoria levels or preferred gender expression of the moment...but to me that just led me to the word genderqueer. It does seem like kind of a catch all that sometimes requires further explanation, but whatever. Honestly, if you're looking for an opinion, I generally think of gender fluid as someone whose gender is different at different times, but I could be off the mark. I'm sure there are people who don't use it that way, but I do use it that way, and my gender is always the same even if (like you said of yours) it rather defies concrete description--so I used genderqueer instead of gender fluid. At the end of the day, the word you use is really whatever you like best. There aren't super-concrete definitions for all of these words and the categories get a little sketchy around the edges about who belongs where and what the definitional lines are... It will come down to your comfort. Do you want to emphasize the changes that occur in your expression and dysphoria levels? That could be described as fluid, from what you've said! Maybe that's a good word for you if that's what you want to make clear by trying to explain your gender identity in a word. Idk, hope that all makes sense!
If you don't feel that your gender changes, the label genderfluid does not really describe you. Still, keep in mind that it doesn't necessarily mean changing between male and female. Your gender could change between various nonbinary/genderqueer identities (they don't even have to be identities you have names for; they just have to be different) and that could make you genderfluid.
I don't think the feeling of the gender changes, but my perception of what it is changes a lot. Sometimes I think I have male and female energies, other times I think of myself as completely neutral or even apathetic. Sometimes I'm able to partially feel as if I was male, but other times not at all, and I feel like I'm partially female more often than I feel partially male. I never think of my gender as anything binary though, at least not in a long time. Once again, I'm not sure how I actually feel changes, I just know that how I interpret and express what I feel isn't very solid. I've been through a lot of identities based on what I was feeling at the time, and I've noticed that my expression stays a lot more static when I have a solid identity. I feel uncomfortable in it most of the time, so then every few months I re-evaluate my gender and come up with something else that only works for a while. My interpretation of what gender I am seems to change so often I've decided to choose the vaguest thing possible, genderqueer, although just recently I've begun to wonder if all that goes on is actually my gender itself changing rather than just what I think it is. Someone else responded saying they don't feel any different than just always them as well, which is how I feel. I guess I didn't think my gender was changing because the feeling of it always stays the same, although it's hard to say that for certain because gender is such an abstract concept. Also, now that I've started identifying as genderqueer, the way I dress changes way more often than it used to.
