I just wondered if anyone who feels they have reached this or are on their way to doing so feels able to share some advice. I am struggling at the moment with several things. 1. Height dysphoria - I'm only 5ft 3. Almost everyone towers over me. 2. Fear of never passing - I have a very feminine face, small frame and wide hips. 3. My appearance - I am so short and feminine in appearance I feel very unattractive. Because of the above, I feel one joke of a man and fear that even testosterone and surgery will make little difference to the way I feel. I know that the majority of people are not going to respect me as a man based on the fact that I'll never have a real penis, I will always be short and will likely never pass. At worst, people are always going to view me as female no matter what I go through to try and change that and at best, it will be a case of 'Oh look, there's that trans man.' My whole life I have worked so hard for the approval of others. It was only when I had achieved this that I felt slightly more acceptable to myself but obviously this tactic is no longer an option for me now that I have realized I'm trans. If I don't pass, people are never going to accept me as male however hard I try to win their approval. I'm short and ugly so no woman would be interested in dating me and at work, I fear that it will be difficult for me to be taken seriously in my chosen career when I am less able than cis men due to my height and build. I know the answer to all of this is that I must find acceptance of who I am regardless of what others may think of me. My question is, how?:icon_sad:
I know how you feel pal :/ 1. i'm 6'1 and have very broad shoulders 2. i have a big build so i don't feel like i'd ever pass as a women :/ But we have to work with what we have! There are lots of things you can do about your appearance pal x And you should only work for your own approval, if you are a man, then you are a man! Never let anyone tell you otherwise mate! *hugs*
Dude, are you me? ;_; I feel so similarly and for pretty much the same reasons. I'm looking forward to the advice that self-accepting folks have to offer, too. As for passing, I'm sure that with hormone therapy you'd become more masculinized that you think. There are certainly short, small-framed cis guys. Look at Michael J. Fox or Elijah Wood, for example.
Living for approval? Yeah. It fooled me into thinking I was a 'good' person. It isn't worth depriving yourself that much. I may be in the process of accepting myself. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not a 'complete' guy because I'm a trans guy. I think it might be cool if I had a brain scan, to see what that says about my gender. Do you think one could trust that? I think I'd rather trust myself. What do you think a real man is? A male with XY chromosomes? Testosterone and surgery won't be perfect. I'm glad that you don't fall for any illusions surrounding it. It might be better than nothing. It's up to you to decide if it is worth it. You might feel more confident once the outside becomes more similar to the inside. Some people say trans guys should be grateful if they're physically healthy. Many mental pains also manifest in physical problems and vice versa. I wish more people understood this. I should make a bad joke about how it would save me a lot of headaches. Once I felt super down and my body wanted to die almost as much as me because it was sick of the stress. I think I'm at war with my body and even myself to an extent. I try to uphold a peace treaty between me and my body. There are tons of unresolved disputes. All one can do is break problems down into smaller chunks and work on those. It took me a while to learn that multitasking is sometimes less productive in the long-term. It's difficult to accept our imperfections but there is often no other way. I'm a little morbid, so, I reached the conclusion that I'm mutilated. The high school bullies called me a freak and I even called myself a freak. It is a powerful self-fulfilling prophecy. It's easy to know I'm not a freak, and challenging for me to actually believe I'm not a freak. This descent into darkness is an incredibly individual process. You shall make peace with your shadow. I think you should try to acknowledge negative things about yourself instead of judging negative things about yourself. If you get rejected for a lack of a real penis, well, that prevents more heartache for both people down the road. At least they're upfront about their needs, as unfair as they might seem. I got rejected plenty times because of my height. It's beyond my control. Are they perfect? I doubt it. I think you're way too hard on yourself. It helps me to think about when gender doesn't matter. Gender was the last thing on my mind when I played Unreal Tournament. I'm bouncing off walls and chasing an unlucky son of a bitch. Well, either that or I'm accidentally blowing myself up with a rocket launcher. I love thrills. I wish I could apply that courage to every area of my life. There's a simple yet great saying I once read... "It is difficult to defeat enemies. It is easy to defeat oneself." Yeah, I've forgotten exactly how it was said. What chosen career? Why would they judge you for your height? Maybe you wouldn't be the only short guy. You can gain more strength than you might believe is possible. There are too many factors to consider. Damn, I'm rambling. I think what I'm trying to say is that one must stand defiant when dealing with that opposition. I know it's troublesome when this includes family. We must rely on ourselves before anyone else. Some people dislike you no matter what you do. Sometimes they're afraid and/or confused. I heard that I'm going to Hell and such threats fail to register anymore. If people wanna waste their time hating on me... I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is currently busy. Your call is important to us. Please wait until we find a damn to give. *plays repetitive music suitable for psychological torture until they hang up*
First, I know how you feel. I'm 5'3" myself, and very dainty, and I'm scared that no matter what I do, it won't be enough to help me pass - and my idealized self is fairly androgynous, so I can only imagine how much stronger that fear is for guys starting off where I am now that are more masculine than me. I'm not sure I've reached full acceptance yet, but I'm striving for it, day by day. So I guess that's my first bit of advice. Acceptance isn't an instantaneous change of mind. It's something that takes time, and a little will power. Instead of wondering how to take on the monumental task of self acceptance all at once, take it one day at a time. Live in the moment, and focus on today. It's especially hard when we're so far from where we want to be to focus on one day. But I encourage you to try. Also, stop saying never. I know it's a hard habit to break, and it really does feel like you're facing an impossible task, but psychologically, the more you repeat negativity, the more you'll breed negativity. I know right now it feels like people will never see you for who you are, or that you'll never pass as male, or that people will never take you seriously. But that's so final, and so bitter. And you know what, the truth is that those thoughts and fears aren't going to just go away because you want them to. But it's still worth trying to fight them back, because they'll overwhelm you otherwise. We tend to think of being trans as something that's shameful, but it isn't. If you're being you, then why is that wrong? What makes your expression unacceptable? What makes you less authentic than cis people? The fact is that we're trained from a young age to think that men and women are at their basic-est divided by parts, and that's that. But we're living proof that that's a fallacy. So get angry. Unspeakably angry. You were lied to about how gender works and forced into a little box that doesn't suit you for the benefit of others. Why should they have the final say on who you are? Who are they to decide how your gender works, and tell you you're a freak for being true to your nature? No, you're more than the sum of your parts. And you need to do what you need to do to be who you know yourself to be. As for specifics...I often feel I'm ugly and unattractive. I basically just focus on what I can change, and work on it. I take any opportunity to work on building the muscles in my arms, and I'm starting to get some defined muscle there now - it's noticeable even to other people, maybe more to them than me. Along with working on what you can change, try not to focus too much on what you can't change. Which is definitely easier said than done. Look in the mirror less. Don't take selfies unless you look awesome. The less I look at myself, the more content I tend to be. I still have a baby face, but I think about it less these days. Find those moments where gender doesn't matter much and cherish them. Find a hobby where you can consistently stop thinking about gender for a while. Look into some non gender related interests for a while. It really helps. Lastly, I finally started to accept myself when I got sick of my own bullshit. I was getting hung up on things that weren't helping me at all, and feeling sorry for myself when I could have been working on growing. Frankly it really started to feel like I was just pitying myself in lieu of fighting for myself. I metaphorically threw myself the middle finger. That's sort of what self acceptance is like to me, ironically enough - throwing myself the middle finger. The fact is I was becoming my own worst critic, and I can honestly say that I've probably already said everything anyone else might say about me because of my gender identity. And none of it is true, none of it has any weight any more. Yeah it still creeps up on me, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still my own worst critic. But it's all bullshit, and I have better things to do than entertain my doubts and fears.
Wow, this is pretty heavy stuff. I think when I created this thread I was hoping for some replies along the lines of 'it get's better as you transition' - not that I am criticizing the replies I have received, please don't think that. I have watched many transitions on Youtube and I think that if I looked like the majority of trans guys ( slightly taller, even if just by another 3-4 inches and more androgynous facial features) then I would be relatively happy with my body, even with things like my hips, lack of a 'real' penis and small hands and feet. I guess what I am saying is I can live with being trans and having a trans body. What I can't live with is my body because in my opinion, there are far too many things that aren't in my favour.
