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Miiight not be as cisgendered as I thought...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by wanderinggirl, Aug 6, 2014.

  1. wanderinggirl

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    I try not to overthink things because that always leads to more confusion and over-dependence on labels. So I didn't want to focus on my gender because well, I'm generally ok the way I am.

    Except that "the way I am" has been shifting. As soon as I discovered I was bi, I felt relief that I had an excuse to cut my hair and wear non-feminine clothing. I felt freed from something big: the heteronormative pressure to be a femme woman dating cis-men.

    Except that I never wasn't interested in guys entirely; but the guys I was interested in were always a lil out of the mainstream manly type. But my discomfort when dating them has nothing to do with a lack of attraction; it's just that I start really disliking myself when I'm in a straight relationship. I don't feel attractive, and I depend on them for approval, like I'm doing everything just for them. And dating women... well I feel like finally my idea of how I'm most attractive aligns with my partner's idea, and I'm not jealous of their body as much as appreciative of it and like, in awe of it.

    I've started to realize... I really don't understand femininity. I didn't want to go down this rabbithole of gender blah-di-blah, but without realizing it I've androgynized/masculinized my underwear, my wardrobe, my deodorant, my shoes, my hair, my accessories... I can't ignore anymore that I feel like I'm in drag when I wear feminine clothes. I've done it my whole life, but only for the approval of others. Like, if there was a day that I got dressed and went out to run errands but didnt see anyone I knew that day, I would think, "What's the point of wearing this skirt if nobody sees it?" Which contributed to feelings of loneliness, intense loneliness that I was doing all these things for the approval of other people but they weren't always around to appreciate my actions... if that makes any sense...

    The cool thing is that when I get dressed in the morning and I'm wearing something masculine, I feel like it's totally normal, but then I leave the house and realize that other women are dressed in ways that are so foreign to me. I don't relate at all to the rest of womanhood; I don't conform at all. I do best in non-gendered interactions or in male spaces.

    Sometimes around a group of guys I feel a little giddy that I'm hanging out with the guys, and maybe sometimes I confuse that for feelings of attraction to a guy. But sometimes my discomfort in dating a guy is that I feel like I'm being pushed into a role, and I hate it; it's not for lack of attraction. This may explain my bisexual homoromantic attractions as of late. I mean yes all my fantasies are for women and I'm only turned on by visuals of hooking up with women, but in practice I do somewhat get turned on by physical intimacy with men as well.

    Back to gender. I just get so excited to put on boxerbriefs in the morning and a sports bra or binder; I get excited to pump out at the rock climbing gym. My body doesn't even really want me to be feminine: I have wide feet, muscular legs and arms, a fairly large waist-to-hip ratio (no matter what weight I'm at), and I just look weird with long hair. I was never meant to be feminine.

    I don't want to transition, I just want to be me. Even though I like women and dress masculine, the label "gay" doesn't really seem to fit, as I know that despite not liking dating guys I still have attractions to men. I don't know anything more beyond this. I think gender is largely irrelevant at this point; I'll see how I feel later on.

    This was brought on by a friend coming out to me as trans, and she wanted to undergo FFS at some point and i said "well I think you're beautiful!" and she said "well i think you're handsome." and I was like "cool!" I want to be thought of as beautiful, but... just not heteronormatively beautiful, if that makes sense; I'll take handsome if i can get it. It just seemed to click a bit more yesterday that what I'm going through is more than just a tomboy phase. (I wound up giving her some accessories and clothes I no longer wear because they're too feminine; I'm so happy to find a home for my purse that I love but never wear anymore!)

    Anyways. Sorry for rambling! It's just one of those days where everything is crystal-queer. :thumbsup:
     
  2. An Gentleman

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    I think your current conclusion of "non-conforming female" fits you perfectly.
    You don't seem to have any of the traits common between all trans people.
     
    #2 An Gentleman, Aug 6, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2014
  3. wanderinggirl

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    Thanks for your response. I don't think so either, I have no gender dysphoria and only slight body dysphoria. But as this is a forum for "gender identity AND expression", I figure this would be the place to talk about figuring out gender expression. To be honest I don't really know how to separate out gender identity from gender expression; this is as close as I can get.
     
  4. An Gentleman

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    I can help with that. From what I understand...
    "Gender identity" is just a fancy word for "gender". To put it simply, it's your brain telling you if you're male or female. "Gender expression" is how masculine, feminine, or androgynous (neutral) you are. It is an external (appearance) and internal (personality) thing.
     
  5. wanderinggirl

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    Thanks for the clarification. I know what the difference is in theory, but in practice it's kinda hard to put into words.

    I guess I'd like to be thought of as... not female/not male either, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable changing pronouns, it's just how I see myself and how I present I guess. I get self-conscious in gendered environments and when I'm lumped in with other women... but like I said, not gonna overthink it if I can help it. :slight_smile:
     
  6. AlexTheGrey

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    From my own experience, I'd correct this slightly to say that identity and expression are both non-binary. Your identity doesn't need to be "male" or "female" any more than your expression needs to be. It is an artifact of society looking at your sex, and assigning gender characteristics (and expectations) based on that.

    For myself, in terms of dress, I skew towards my "expected gender" enough that you'd "read" me as my sex, although that has started changing recently for me (although I still expect that I'll be "read" as my sex). My mannerisms and behavior much less so, and for a longer period of time. And I don't really identify with either gender at all.
     
  7. wanderinggirl

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    Thanks AlexTheGrey for providing your perspective as well. You don't have to answer this, but i'm curious; in what way do you not identify with either gender?