I hate the moments when something you realized a long time ago but buried deep within you, comes back in full force and reminds you. For me, that was at about 3 this morning. I couldn't sleep so I just lay there thinking in the dark, and an old thought came back and all I could was curl up in a ball and sob quietly. That I will never be able to start my own biological family with a female partner. This thought just makes me feel empty inside and terribly sad. It's the reason why I settled with being genderfluid because I couldn't be content with being just a transman. Because of what I biologically am, I can't be a total male and no amount of surgeries or hormones can enable me to miraculously impregnate my female partner. It's probably why I try to distract myself with fantasies of men because falling for a woman...I feel that I would just disappoint her. And what hurts so much and the fact that I had a crying fit at 3 in the morning is that I won't ever be able to see my wife with her body taut and swollen with our child. Our child- living and breathing proof of our union, of our love....And I know there's IVF but it won't be the same. I'm paralyzed with sadness and a longing so deep that my heart aches and beats simultaneously; a mix of pain and necessity. I know that this is a hopeless dream but it doesn't make the pain or tears stop.. I'm terribly sorry if it's sounds like I'm whining or I'm being overly dramatic or being shallow (and I know that relationships are more than just making babies) but...I had nowhere else to express what I'm feeling right now. I can't tell my family because they don't know or they wouldn't understand.. I don't know why I keep crying.
Kids are an important part of a serious relationship for many people. For some people it's the only reason to stay in a serious relationship. Yes there is adoption and sperm donation and other options, but it's just not the same as your own biological child. Let yourself mourn the stuff you won't have; let yourself grieve. And then let yourself figure out how to get around it. But meanwhile it's important to allow yourself to feel the loss of a life you wish you could have in order to move past it.
I know how you feel. While I'm not entirely into kids, at least i'd have the option. It hurts me that I'm not nearly good enough for straight girls, or most girls anyway.
Thank you so much. I honestly cried when I read this and it did make me feel better. I thought I was crying over something people would call trivial but...thank you for making me realize that it isn't. I'm glad I'm not the only one and yeah, I know I'm not ready for kids but...it would be nice to have that option in the future. Then those girls are missing out on something awesome then, aren't they? (*hug*) Don't let them get you down, buddy.
