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Fake Personality

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ForAlgea, Aug 11, 2014.

  1. ForAlgea

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    I think one of the most common phrases of comfort given after someone comes out as transgender is "I'm still the same person", but in actuality I'm not so sure I am. Before I came out to my mother and best friend I felt the need, and to an extent still feel the need, to act very differently than I actually feel. In high school (to combat bullying) I copied the way my popular girl friends acted, talked, and dressed and I started hiding how I felt about the things that gave me dysphoria. At the time this seemed like the best thing to do because all of the bullying stopped and my relationship with my mother got a lot stronger, but it just made me depressed.

    During my freshmen year of college I felt a lot safer and I learned allot more about transgender issues, so I tried to come out to my mother. It didn't really go bad, like I didn't get kicked out of the house or anything, but it didn't go well either. It resulted in her making fun of me (about my body and dysphoria), informing me that I was too girly in high school to want to be a man, telling me that I would be ruining my life if I decided to transition, If I like guys and girls then I should just be a straight girl or a perpetual virgin, and finally that she and my father would not help me out financially with anything to do with transitioning. To calm her down I told her something along the lines of "I'm still the same person".

    I know that having your child come out can be a stressful experience, so I've been trying to be as accommodating as possible, but now I just feel like she is trying to hurt me. I wasn't expecting much when I came out, just that maybe she would read a little bit on he issue, be a bit more careful not to say things that would trigger my depression, to just listen to me about how I feel, but instead I've gotten the exact opposite. She refuses to read anything about transgendered issues, has probably doubled the amount of times she says things that make me depressed, and refuses to talk to me about the issue. She also has gotten in the way of my muscle building, by refusing to let me use weights over 10lb (it was initially 5, I had to fight for the 10) on the account that my body might become too masculine.

    I've just stopped saying anything to her because I'm worried that it is too hard on her, but I feel like I'm stuck in this fake personality that I used to get through high school. The only other person I'm out to is my best friend, who thinks that the only thing I can do is wait to transition until I'm done with college (my parents are paying for my college), but I feel like I can't wait any longer.

    I know that being true to yourself is important, but in high school it just seemed so much easier to be fake. Now I feel guilty for ever acting feminine in the first place. I feel like she is using it to discredit anything I actually feel.
     
  2. Kai LD

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    I have had a persona for twenty years that everyone seems to think is the real me. If I can get brave, maybe I will start shedding the habits of behavior I have that aren't really me. I'm not even sure where I would want to go with my appearance, I just know that I don't behave 'naturally'... I get so nervous and embarrassed about it that it seems amazing to me that I am able to talk about being bi with people, much less anything else...

    Thanks for posting. I know what you mean about people throwing things in your face. This is up to you and you don't have to fit any expectations that other people have about you, just because they think they know you better than you do.
     
  3. ForAlgea

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    I've only had a persona for a little over four years, I can't imagine keeping something like this up for twenty. I understand why people assume that who you present yourself as is the "real you", I just don't understand why people seem so biting when you want to be yourself.

    The embarrassment/ nervousness is an issue for me as well, it seems that whenever I meet someone new I revert back to the high school "girl" personality. It just seems more socially acceptable I guess.
     
  4. Kai LD

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    I had an insight that the embarrassment comes from, for me, the fact that if I behaved naturally I'd be 'caught'. Not normal! What I feared everyone would realize because of how not normal I felt. I don't care as much and I'm getting less concerned every day on a conscious level, but letting go of this after so long... I have to believe I can do it, because I really don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like it was a story written for someone else.
     
  5. ForAlgea

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    I wish you every luck with shedding your persona. The idea of being 'normal' feels like it's a massive force that people use to belittle and control each other.

    When it comes to strangers I think I'm just scared about who they are and if they might have a negative response to my actual personality. With people I'm close to I feel ready to be myself, but (particularly with my family) I feel like they have rejected me, and it makes me retreat back into my shell. I suppose I also have to believe and have patience that I can act as myself and that eventually the people that truly care about me will come around.

    It is so easy to say but still so difficult to actually do.
     
  6. mbz

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    >I just don't understand why people seem so biting when you want to be yourself.

    It does seem that people like keeping others in roles that keep them comfortable. The closer we are to someone the harder it is to break the pattern. :frowning2:

    Although I'm not fully Out yet and living in my male role (not for too much longer hopefully), I am pretty non-masculine with other people but with my mother the masculinity cuts in and I really don't like it.

    I hope you, ForAlgea, manage to resolve things. :slight_smile:
     
  7. AlexTheGrey

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    I missed this thread on the first go-around, but I do hope you can get things worked out. I empathize a bit with that sort of mother. Mine might not stop you, but would be vocal in her disapproval, and lament that you aren't being more her brand of 'cis'.

    I am still the same person I was before. Just because I've put on a show for people doesn't mean I'm not myself. That was a persona, not an identity.
     
  8. ForAlgea

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    Don't worry about missing the first "go-around" I'm absolutely terrible at checking in on these things anyways.

    Not much has really changed, but since I wrote this post I've been trying to be a bit more assertive with the way I express myself instead of retreating when she gives me problems. I'm hopping that I can slowly get her more comfortable with my gender identity, but I'm also a little worried that she will gossip about me to the rest of my family. (They are strict Roman-Catholics who are currently shunning my sister for moving in with her boyfriend before marriage, I don't really want to tell them about what is going on, ever really.) However I did talk to my father (about depression instead of gender) and he is getting me set up with a therapist who among other things has a specialty in gender. So, I feel like I'm at least a little bit ahead of where I was a few days ago. Thank you all for your support.

    Although I'm sad that other people have these problems, it is also comforting that there are people in the world that understand them.

    >I'm still the same person...that was a persona, not an identity
    I really like this, it makes me feel better about myself. Unfortunately, although I'm not changing my real personality, I think that my mother is upset that she is loosing the persona she is accustomed to.
     
  9. Nychthemeron

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    Can't really add much, since I'd just be parroting everyone else then, but I feel the very same way.

    The fact is, in my opinion, you're still you. Maybe your personality changed, and maybe your perspective changed, but are you still the person that you were when you were first born?

    I think yes.

    You, yourself, never change. But your thoughts do. And so does your personality. All this fluidity is still within you. If that make sense.

    I know it's hard trying to express yourself around disapproving/non-supportive parents, but hey, you're trying. That's a large step. And you mentioned you're going to go to a therapist, too.

    So, I guess I just wanted to pop in here and say good luck. (*hug*)
     
  10. AlexTheGrey

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    Yeah, it happens. People feel like they know who you are, but the persona gets in the way. And it can get even harder when the parent helped build that persona with some intent behind it.

    All I can really say is that there is value in remaining assertive with your mother. I can understand it can be hard, especially while living under their roof. And there's always the risk of letting it elevate, but if you can keep it civil in asserting who you are when she gets like this, she might start to understand how badly it hurts you. I kinda let my mother walk all over my own emotions, and I regret it, but I can totally empathize with the idea of walking a fine line.