My given name doesn't seem to fit me?

So I'm currently identifying as female, but I'm not sure thats correct.

Is it normal for cis-gendered people to feel confused by their birth name their whole life? For the sake of simplicity I'm just going to refer to my birth name as M.

For the longest time, probably as young as 10, I can remember standing in front of the mirror and repeating my name yet feeling detached and literally not connecting with my reflection. My name has never felt like it fit. It feels like some foreign thing, not part of me. When I say my name and look at my reflection I feel like i'm in a dream state. Not necessarily dysphoria, just a lack of connection with my body. Depersonalization perhaps.

I know M is my name, but I don't connect with it. I don't like it when people call me M, it tends to catch me off guard. I like the name, but I just don't connect my reflection to the name. If I changed it I would at least want to keep the initials because of it's relation to my late grandfather. He always joked about my first and middle initials being MD, and that I was going to be a doctor because of it. So I guess I'm more attached to those two letters than the name . . .

The only time I really liked my name was when I learned that it was my older cousin's middle name and I looked up to her. I remember then wanting to change my middle name to her first name.

Just now out of curiosity I typed out a male version of my first and middle name and it felt oddly better. Matthew. Matthew is the name I tried. Then I looked in the mirror and said Matthew. It felt like I was awake for the first time in years. Repeating M, my head feels foggy and confused, but saying Matthew I felt fully present.

So could I be male gendered, want a male name, but still want to identify and present as female? genderqueer perhaps?

I love form fitting clothes; have always got along better with girls, yet always feel slightly out of place with them. When I hang out with my guy friends, I feel more comfortable, I understand guys better than girls, and I get sad when they treat me like a lady instead of one of the guys.

I like my female body, I wouldn't want to transition, yet I feel like I might be leaning more towards male gender internally/ mentally? Would genderqueer be the term here?

And if you read through all of this thanks for reading through my rambling :icon_bigg

----------added 10:47PM -------------
I think I might try to have friends call me Mich/ Mitch when I get back to school its sort of a gender-neutral version of my current name or technically could just be a nickname.

 

So I've thought on it a bit more, and I think I'm ok with my name. It just gets long sometimes, maybe I should try to find a nickname. But I think for my gender, female with a slightly masculine personality and thinking process is a probably a fine fit.

Sorry for rambling here and taking up a thread, I think I just needed to sort out my thoughts. . .

Don'r worry about responding, this was just me rambling, per usual . . .