Discovery of my feminine aspect.

Hi everyone,

discovering I liked guys as well as girls, was one thing. But once well into that journey, I started getting these intimations that my gender was also not exactly as I had assumed it to be. I've left my gender as 'male' for now, but really in my mind and heart, I have always been in touch with the feminine; I just never felt it so consciously before, as I am now; and allowing that aspect of my nature to shine forth more fully nowadays, is so healing and nurturing for me. Well, it is, but then I feel strange at the same time. Kind of disoriented. Like I don't fully understand what's happening to me. I like it, but I also feel stress. Is that even possible, to feel two things at once about it? It seems so in my case.

I feel I am sort of 'bigendered'. I feel the need to be able to express either gender, or even both. Sometimes I feel quite androgynous. Darn it, sometimes I just feel like, 'human being with both masculine and feminine traits, who can express either at any given moment.' All of this is distinct from whether I like guys or girls. Actually, coming here to ec, has made me understand that these are two distinctly separate things, sexual orientation, and gender identity. Straight folks are generally speaking woefully ignorant of this, and I know I was, previously. Having said that, I still have much to learn, too.

When I'm at home, I like being 'the girl' more. It's almost like, having not been allowed out for so many years, that side now wants to be expressed so much, that it is what usually comes through. I've gotten a few effeminate items of clothing, just tops, but even so, I never allowed myself to do this before, even though I often, while out shopping, used to look longingly at some of the more beautiful designs women can get to wear, and think to myself, "why do us men have to be content with, generally speaking, such relatively boring and ugly looking clothes?" This was back when I identified as 'straight', by the way. Nowadays, of course, I have almost no scruples about this, and in fact, I browse freely through both the men's and women's sections when looking for clothes. I'm even planning to go into the city proper, into the 'lgbt friendly' zones of town, where I will feel more confident to try a few more beautiful designs on. In fact, I even have some ideas of my own, and would love to learn how to design and / or create them, even. I love 'the feminine' and female things. Another detail: ever since I got my ears pierced, I have felt different. I know, lots of even straight guys do it nowadays, but that wasn't why I did it...I did it because, I feel it as part of expressing my feminine side. God I love walking around with gold in my earlobes. I'm looking forward to looking for some beautiful studs to go in, once the holes are all healed up. For now, the gold posts have to stay in, for six weeks.

Ok, now for the hard part: I am seeking some counselling for the strangeness I'm feeling. I've been given a phone number, that I will call tomorrow, where I can get to see someone well-versed in these issues. One the one hand, getting in touch with my girly side is greatly pleasuring, soothing, healing and just plain fun. On the other hand, I feel strange and a bit disoriented, confused, sometimes. Just to reiterate, I still love my male side as well, and I look forward to expressing that also, but I've really been more effeminate lately, well that's how I perceive it, anyway; a guy in touch with the feminine, an effeminate sort of guy (this quality, in guys, is also what attracts me...I don't know if that is going to make it hard for me, to find a partner, maybe? Because, isn't it that most effeminate guys, prefer 'strong, muscly types'? Or is that just a misconception I got from somewhere?)

Ok thx for reading. x

D. <3