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Dating out of gender envy instead of attraction?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by wanderinggirl, Aug 13, 2014.

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  1. wanderinggirl

    wanderinggirl
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    Back when I was presenting really feminine, I dated a guy whose wardrobe I always wished I could raid. I loved borrowing his shorts and tshirts to sleep. I helped him buy fun patterned boxerbriefs once, thus awakening in me an deep passion for fun patterned boxerbriefs that has lasted to this day... I didn't realize until recently that it was less about seeing someone else in them than it was about me wearing them myself... I didn't think my envy of his wardrobe/the way things looked on him was abnormal.

    When I fell for the first person of whom I was not jealous (but rather was purely attracted to), it blew my mind. I was like "wow she dresses like this and it's not what i'm comfortable in but i still think she's hot and THAT'S TOTALLY OKAY?!" I think I still retain some of that old habit of dating people whose gender presentation I envy, rather than pure attraction; but way less than I used to when I was feminine-presenting. Maybe it's inevitable when you embody both male and female characteristics to compare yourself to your significant other.



    So the question: before you were out to yourself, did any of you other fabulous gnc/gq/transfolk date people and find yourself jealous of their gender/gender expression? Did you confuse envy for attraction ("wow his chest is so smooth, I want a flat chest like this!" "wow she has such a soft stomach, I wonder what I'd be like with a soft stomach!")?
     
    #1 wanderinggirl, Aug 13, 2014
  2. Kai LD

    Kai LD
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    That's pretty interesting. I dated a girl briefly that was pretty much what I would ideally like to be, what she presented to the world anyways. So beautiful, so smart, so nice. I never thought that maybe that was a part of it, but I practically fell in love with her we had so much in common.
     
    #2 Kai LD, Aug 13, 2014
  3. Dinah

    Dinah
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    Growing up I was extremely obsessed with dating females and never thought twice about it, to the point where I was always distraught over the idea of being single for any amount of time. I've begun to realize now that it goes much deeper than that, I feel as though I am and have always been a lesbian and just didn't realize it because I didnt know/understand anything about transgender, and being raised in a very religious family I never wouldve been able to express that w/o condemnation from my parents and I still fear that might still happen anyway. So if ever there was a part of me that "knew" I was trans I buried it so deep that all I could do to satisfy those feelings was to want to be with a girlfriend and interest myself in more feminine activities and thoughts as an observer on the outside looking in. Dance, ballet, ice skating/dancing, gumnastics, femnist/female vocalist music preferences ( Sarah McLachlan, Fiona Apple, Jewel, etc.)
     
    #3 Dinah, Aug 13, 2014
  4. wanderinggirl

    wanderinggirl
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    Thanks for sharing. Interesting that you say "practically fell in love with her"... as in for practical purposes you'd say you were in love but you know it's not entirely love as other people experience it/as you could experience it? Maybe that's what body envy does, provides us with an emotional experience akin to love but more selfish than that. Hmm.

    ---------- Post added 13th Aug 2014 at 01:43 PM ----------
    I relate to this almost desperation to date people (in my case men, way back when). Why do you think it felt this way for you?

    For me I think it was a combination of things:
    1. I was afraid that if I were single for long enough that I'd want to explore with girls (this back when I thought I was straight)
    2. I didn't want to be away from masculinity; I wanted to have some masculinity in my life. Dating men provided that.
    3. I didn't know myself well, and it scared me, so I was afraid of being alone and ending up alone. Each imperfect relationship that ended left me worrying that I'd never find anyone better because I had no picture of who I actually wanted to date; dating men just felt wrong in a way.

    Adia I hope you find a way to be your authentic lesbian self, family be damned!
     
    #4 wanderinggirl, Aug 13, 2014
  5. ForAlgea

    ForAlgea
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    What I'm attracted to and the body I envy are extremely different, so no. But I did the exact opposite.

    I internally see myself as looking more traditionally masculine with a very athletic and muscled physique. But I'm attracted to androgynous men and very feminine/cute looking girls. When I was dressing like a female I wore the types of clothing that I found attractive on other girls. So I kept rejecting the people that looked like how I wanted to, and I got rejected a lot by the people I was imitating. . .
     
    #5 ForAlgea, Aug 18, 2014
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