I am going to try to describe this as best as I can: From my status you can see I am gender fluid so sometimes I am male, in between, and sometimes I am female. For years, I have had an issue where suddenly I get so stressed out, depressed, anxious and in general upset. This usually occurs around night time although it can happen earlier in the day too, this doesn't happen every day but it can happen. I noted that its when I wake up as one gender and then during the day my brain slowly changes into another gender. Its weird and hard to describe so I hope this makes sense. Its almost as if its dysphoria hitting me right at that time even though i was happy with being, say a "female" most of the day but then my brain switches gender. I am not even sure how gender feels, I thought I did but now I am not sure. For example, sometimes when I wake up I see myself as (say a male), mentally I will see pecs instead of breasts and "see" the male bits…i am not sure if anyone else is like this….but during the day I will change into feeling either female (mentally and physically seeing my breasts and all that other stuff) or I am neither gender. Is it even possible for the brain to change genders during the day. I mean I can understand that I wake up and see what gender I am from day to day based on what I wear and feel like mentally but I don't know I am so confused right now and I don't know what is happening. Does anyone else experience something similar to this? Or am I just crazy?
When I thought I was genderfluid, I didn't have the bit about seeing different body parts, but I did switch a lot between male and female (or, what I thought was female, as I'm trans-male now), and it almost made me feel like I had an androgynous mind. So yes, I have had experience like that. A lot of other genderfluid people do, too. You're not crazy.
Hi, when I need to kick myself up the butt and get boring, practical things done, I feel - in fact, I find I have to be - more masculine. But when I'm relaxing, playing music, or here on ec for example, I slip so easily into a kind of nebulous state in which the loveliness of the feminine that I feel, shines forth more, but in which I can't really pin down any particular gender. I can relate to things shifting somewhat. I am currently quite confused, and am seeking some real-world counselling about it, actually. Not because I'm worried, actually I love the feminine feelings that shine forth so much more often now, just because, well I'm feeling a bit strange. But I just wanted to say, you are not alone in having an element of confusion about it. I think that identity itself is a kind of process, something we journey though - and it's an exciting journey. But sometimes I do get distressed about it, also. (*hug*)
Thought about how to phrase this quite right for a bit... When I forget the mask I have on over my external behavior, I actually feel... pretty? Like a girl if I knew exactly what that was, not being born one...? Then an awareness of my body returns and I feel usually quite alien to myself and the mask slips on in reflex. I feel like I am acting to some degree instead of being and I hate it. My body goes more rigid and I check myself from any of the little movements that would feel natural to me because they also feel more... feminine? Because I was so embarrassed and scared of being recognized not just as unusual but as a freak or something. I've been doing this kind of checking to myself for about 99 percent of the last twenty or so years. I'm trying to learn to just BE. WHO. I. AM. But it's a day by day struggle. I have hope now though. Hopefully my post has some insight for you. edit: I started trembling a bit as I read that back to me. I accept all of this now about myself, I've known in a way who I was forever, but it stirs me up so much that I've got tears coming to my eyes as I type this. I tried to just forget about it and move on. At least now I can let it go.
Your not crazy, The more female I feel the more depressed I get, since my body is male. I never feel male, androgynous but never male.
I used to switch between feeling male and female several times a day. For me, it turned out to be a phase that lasted about two years. I still move around a bit even now, sometimes feeling male and other times kind of androgynous but I don't think it's a permanent state for me. I expect as time goes on, I will be male full time. I know how frustrating it can be to keep switching though. I would wake up feeling female and put on a floral top and then mid way through the day I would switch and have terrible anxiety about what I was wearing.
It's okay, that's how I am too. I say I'm 60% female and 40% male. For me, I can be both at once. I could dress like a girl but talk and act and refer to myself as male. Or I could dress like a boy and talk and act and refer to myself as female. It all really depends on what events occur throughout the day or what I think about throughout the day.
I categorize myself as an androgyne so I'm not sure if this helps, since I often feel like my gender is largely irrelevant. I've noticed that sometimes when I'm working out or doing a physical activity, I often feel and act like a male. But there are also times when I feel and act decidedly feminine, such as when I'm painting my toes or being sociable. But, for me, these moments are few and far between. I have had the phantom feelings of feeling pecs and things when I felt masculine, however. Usually those are the days I dress as a man in order to not do a double-take in the mirror lol It can be confusing but I usually just roll with whatever I'm feeling that day
Thank you all for your responses. I am glad i am not the only one who feels this way, its just frustrating at times. I don't recall having a hard time when I was younger its only gotten worse as I am older now but I guess I will get used to it
