Drawing the line between gender identity and gender expression?

For everybody there's going to be a different way of thinking about and dealing with this one I bet. For my part it came down to what feels authentic to me as opposed to what feels like the usual 'I am supposed to'. Thanks for the interesting topic.

 

No one defines what or how you express your gender. Gender is a societal construct that biology defines in society.

There are feminine males, masculine females. Cis and trans. Gay straight. One does not define the other.

Your real question is this.

"Am I trans enough"?

There is no transgender police coming to take your transgender ID card. I keep asking myself that. Omg I am not on hormones. I can't be trans.

Bullshit.

The real thing here? You be you. That's what matters.

 

I think I know exactly what you mean I've been struggling with the same thing. I was thinking about trying meditation to try and clear my head a bit and see through the clouds of bullshit and find my true gender buried deep with in me. I was reading up on otherkin and apparently meditation is a really important part in finding your true species. My theory; it might be the same for gender. So maybe you could give meditation a go?

 

(*hug*)

These are the kinds of things that have been going thru my head for years. (Look at my username). It sounds like you've got a case of over think, just like me. As I've been working on stopping the over think, I've started to realize that lots of it doesn't matter. If you're more comfortable dressing as a guy, and want to be identified as a guy, you're a guy.

 

I recently just went through a similar thinking process. I've gone through several coming outs this year and inevitably I just came to point where I broke it down to the essentials as you did, OP.

I eventually just realized that you define your gender and gender expression is merely an outlet although it is as equally important to what you feel internally at the end of every day. Just because I can wear a dress in public and have a good chat with a girlfriend makes me in the eyes of society as 'female', doesn't really mean anything to me personally.

Internally, I'm male. I can't prove to you that I am but I know it deeply as if it were in tune with every beat of my heart (lol as corny as that sounds.) And yet I'm aware of the fact that my gender expression is fluid and I embrace it.

Take time to think on it but remember that there are no rules or requirements to any identity- it's all up to you.

 

I feel male 24/7.

Spoiler

Here is a snippet of my daily thoughts:

"I need to eat. Ugh."
"Shit! I haven't done my homework!"
"Stop calling me, Mom!"

Here is a snippet of what isn't in my daily thoughts:

"Wow. I really want a dick."
"The fuck are these titties on my chest?"
"This sweat makes me feel so manly."

And here is a snippet of what I think of when I'm picking out clothes:

"Ugh, Mom! I don't need any new clothes!"
"That's ugly as fuck."
"That dress is really pretty. Too bad I can't fit in it."

And here is a snippet of what I don't think of when I'm picking out clothes:

"These are girl clothes!"
"Too pink."
"A dress? You expect me to wear a fucking dress?"

My point? Feeling male is when you identify with the male gender. That's all.

My gender expression is feminine to androgynous. I don't mind wearing a dress. I don't mind looking pretty. I just want to have my body when I'm doing it.

Call me a crossdresser or whatever, but the truth's still there. I'm 100% male, and if anyone calls me a lady, I'm not going to censor myself.

And you? Do you 'feel male'?

I agree with everything else that has been said. Don't ask yourself if you're trans enough. Ask yourself if you identify with the male gender. If you do, you're male. If not, you're not.

I know where you're coming from. I felt like I should have been born a male - that's why I'm trans. But I don't know why, and I'm sure many others don't, either.

It's just all inside. Don't let anyone tell you that your feelings are invalid simply because you are unable to explain it. And if you end up not being trans, is that so bad? Cis, trans, whatever - you're still you. No one should blame you for just trying to figure yourself out.

Best of luck. (*hug*)

 

Don't over think it. If you're wrong, you're wrong. Thinking about it excessively ends in analysis paralysis. At some point you have to say enough to the decision process and say it is decided. For now.

 

One of my second biggest fears about coming out besides rejection is the fact that I might be wrong and change my mind later. I wish there was a way to know for sure

 

Maybe you are agender and transmasculine? Maybe this video will help you figure it out (it really helped me).

[YOUTUBE]watch?v=4bWl9G8mYww[/YOUTUBE]

For me, I know what it feels like to be "woman" because I've been pregnant, and I know what it feels like to be "androgynous". I think I know what it feels like to be "man" but I only get it in my dreams, and can't recall it while awake. If I could describe these feelings to you I would, but I can't because they're just personal FEELINGS. :/

(The embedded video showed up in my preview; if it doesn't show up when I post, I have no idea why.)

 

I just went through a bout of this myself. Lots of good advice given up to this point.

It can be hard to let go of the thinking that drives society into this idea that sex = gender = expression. Even though I'm well aware of women who identify as female, but dress masculinely, and vice versa without outright cross dressing... I still couldn't seem to let go to the idea. Still something I'm working on, although it is getting better. It is really a weird experience to realize that I've been holding myself to gender roles more strictly than I do people in general.

As others have said, how do you feel? And separately, how do you want to present yourself to others?

 

Reading this, it sounds like you actually know your identity pretty well. Just that maybe you don't know how to describe it without invoking expression as well. That's okay. It is fine that your identity and desired expression align and intermingle. You are very much not alone in that. The idea behind making it two distinct things is to really say that the two being in alignment isn't the only way to be, nothing more. It's to remind us of the variety possible.

If you let me suggest something, I'd say try to take a break from thinking about this for a few days if you can. Find something to distract you. Friends, hobbies, family, whatever helps you unwind and relax. At some point, when the details of what you wrote have faded from your memory, come back and read what you wrote. I find it helps to let "past me" talk to me in this way. I notice things I didn't when I wrote it, including my tone.

 

Does it really matter if you can't clearly define or label your 'inner' identity? We are all human beings, ultimately. Just be yourself in the present moment, allow whatever feelings you have to arise naturally, don't either force or suppress anything. You don't have to 'be' any predefined gender at all, actually...you can just be 'you'.

On the other hand, I can relate to your confusion somewhat. I feel like a blend of the masculine and the feminine, and sometimes I cannot nor do I want to pin myself down as either of the two. I'm just going with the flow for now, trying to let myself feel what comes naturally, without worrying about having to define it for anyone else. Anyway, who says that you must give any explanation? Why should you have to? Your inner world is your own business, no-one elses.

 

My personal belief is that our instincts and what we're taught are so closely related you can't separate them completely. From everything I have read, our brains continue developing those core, very real parts of us that are us a few years after we're born. Part of that's physical. Just like our skulls don't fuse shut completely until we have been alive for a very long time, our brains keep changing too.

I think there is a separation that exists. I think of gender identity and gender expression, as being a little like a street address and a house that's built on top of it. The house at a street address has been affected by the world around it after it was created. Even while it was being created, there were little influences. It was built as part of a neighborhood, and designed by the same people that built the houses around it.

Gender identity to me is just that part of us that says "everything here is girl" and "everything here is boy", just the same way your brain can map different parts of your body and say "everything here is my right arm". Some of us, that part of our brain, that doesn't do anything but point at things, is saying we're supposed to be one thing, and the people around us - and our own bodies - are saying something else. Even if everyone around us is acting in accord with that brain map, for some of us, when that part of us that can only reference and point sees us doing things it would understand as male things even if we grew up raised by wolves, like having sex, it gives some of us guff over that kind of thing.

So that's the way I look at it. It doesn't change the fact that a lot of how that house of gender expression is built, is completely arbitrary. Pink used to be for boys, that kind of thing. However, I'm entirely convinced that if I was raised to be taught that pink was for boys, that idiot pointy part of my brain would make me feel like crap every time I wore pink. If that makes any kind of sense.

That's really why all this is a problem, because that part of our brain which runs on automatic, and sees that our map doesn't line up with what happened, screws with us to try to correct things. It has access to all sorts of little things that make us feel bad when we do things it doesn't like, and makes us feel good when we're doing things it does.

The thing is, "fixing" that part, really would change a lot about who we are as people, at our core. I mean on the surface, big deal right, it's an address. Well, to torture this little analogy a little more, "fixing" that part of us would be like changing your address to somewhere in Canada if you live in the U.S. It can make a huge difference. Of course, some of that rewiring happens slowly and naturally with hormone replacement therapy; your physical brain changes a little if you go on it. But because your overall personality remains what it is, and you are lining up with this thing - lining up with this very real part of you - instead of fighting it, the change is a lot less drastic. Maybe you get a different zip code.

So that's how I look at it anyway. That makes sense with both what I experience directly, and the facts I have learned.