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what are deez feelings?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by jaska, Aug 17, 2014.

  1. jaska

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    new zealand
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I still havnt quite got past the questioning stage, so I still doubt myself a lot. But I'm not actually sure that its JUST doubts and it might be something else too. :confused:Anyway, these episodes of doubt usually get triggered when I'm over thinking stuff, analysing my past, or when I dwell too long on the "feeling like a gender" thing. When I'm thinking about the "feeling like a gender" topic, I'll sometimes think that I'm starting to feel like a girl, and this trigger is always the worst. When I get triggered, I'll start to feel really sick in the pit of my stomach, and if I'm alone, I'll usually cry. I get extremely depressed, and sometimes I feel like I need to hurt myself to feel better. The thoughts running through my head are like, "you're a fake, you just want attention" "no no no i AM a boy I AM a boy..." "I hate this i hate this, why couldn't I have just been born with a male body?!" "I fucking hate everyone, you have no idea who I am, what I'm going through, go away go away go away..."
    it really sucks, and the sheer thought of living as a girl again and forgetting all my gender issues just burns me from the core of my heart, and I become so incredibly angry I want to hurt everyone I see, but its not their fault, I know. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever known, and just reading over what I've written now i realise this is way more than just doubting myself but what do you guys think the hell is up with me??:tears::help:
     
  2. Dakeli27

    Regular Member

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    If you're questioning yourself that much, I suggest going to someone you can trust and getting their support.
     
  3. Nychthemeron

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    There's nothing wrong with you. I feel the same way.

    When I was younger, I wasn't your stereotypical little boy. I was like a little girl - who my parents wanted to be. They dressed me up in pretty little dresses and gave me pretty little toys to play with, and I didn't care.

    But does that make me less of a man? Ha. Hell to the fuck no.

    Do I wish I was born a cis man? Yes. I do. The thought of being a cis woman seems to make me feel sick - does it make you feel sick too?

    Yet, I constantly wonder, is it because I'm just seeking attention? Or am I really just a frustrated boy in this female body?

    Remember that being transgender does not mean you have to be upset about your body 24/7. When I look down in the shower, sometimes I laugh, because my body seems so foreign to me. When I look at myself in the mirror, I get this awkward half-smirk, because it's just so damn funny how alien I look.

    Yet, I don't feel upset. In fact, it fuels me. It makes me work harder. Transition is my goal. I'm studying harder and taking school more seriously now because of that. A proud example of taking what should upset me to motivate me instead.

    It's probably going to be difficult, but it's worth a try. Not sure where you are in life, but some motivation and ambition will help, I think.

    Good luck, dude.