Am I broken?

I am feeling so confused and broken right now, I don't know what to do.
I've been working on coming to terms with being androdyge/bigendered for a while now, a few years in fact, and I'm finally getting comfortable with my masculinity. But now I'm troubled about my femininity. Not because I feel like I should be all man. I'm born in a female body, and everything inside me tells me that's how it should be. But I can't find any way to relate to femininity. I look at women I admire, that I see as feminine, and I feel nothing like that at all. It's like I've lost a part, or maybe it's never been there, but I know in my heart and soul that it's supposed to, and I just feel like I'm broken. I feel like a boy inside, who longs to be a girl, but I'm born a girl, so it just doesn't make any sense!
I don't know if it could also be related to me having aspergers syndrome, and not being able to connect properly to my body. Can someone please help me make some sense of this? And please don't say I'm a trans in denial, cause I've thoroughly considered the possibility, and I'm just not. There is a feminine side of me, or it feels like there's supposed to be, and I just can't find it, and it's driving me crazy. I feel fake, like I'm a boy putting on make up to play girl, because I feel like I am a girl, or should be... and I'm ranting, I know, I'm very emotional right now, and I need help! Please, anyone?

 

I understand what you're saying, and I guess my choice of words were a bit unfortunate. Cause it's kinda what I have been doing, letting go of the external influences of stereotypes and how the general world defines gender. What I was trying to explain was how I feel like I should be, when I look into my heart rather then at what the world expects of me. Like a f to m trans would feel like she should be a he. Only in my case I feel like I'm a he in a female body who should be she... sort of. It's very confusing. It's like I've lost a part of myself, and I need it to function properly. And I feel like that missing part is the female side of me.
I generally feel like a person with two faces, one facing out, and one facing in. The inwards face is my masculine side, and the outwards face is the female. Sort of like a coin, having two sides. But I can't seem to connect to the outwards face, the feminine side of me. Does that make more sense?

 

I gladly take listening and hugs, it makes a world of difference! Thanks (*hug*)
What makes me believe this is that I've really tried to see myself as only man, considering the possibility that I might be trans. But it just feels wrong. And I realized I've been working a lot on this, and that's good, but I also realized I haven't ever really looked at the feminine side the same way, and I felt I owed it to myself to do that, since I'm on this journey of getting to know me. And my life is a lot about masculinity, I've always gotten better along with guys and never been really able to relate to girls and women. But I do have a pretty clear idea of what I value in women and what I find to be feminine. It's not so much the standard girlygirls, or the stereotypes you see in movies or on tv, I kinda despise those a bit, cause I feel it diminishes the female beauty and power. But if you look at fantasy and sci-fi, they tend to have gotten a different idea about women. Like Donna Noble (Doctor Who), or Aeryn Sun (Farscape), or Samantha Carter (Stargate SG1), Willow Rosenberg (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), I could bring up a whole bunch of them. And I do know women who have those characteristics in real life, but you wouldn't know them if I gave their names so I'm sticking with the fictional characters for now
They're all strong women, with many different great qualities, not to be mistaken for being masculine. They are vulnerable in their own ways too, but not in the same sense a man would be. I could go on and on about it, but bottom line is: yes, I have a sense of what I feel femininity is about. I just can't find it within myself. It might be that it's been there all along, and I just don't see it. But until I do, I feel sort of incomplete :/

 

Thank you. I hope things worked out well for you
I've been trying to remember times in my life when I felt feminine, and I have found some memories. A lot of them are related to appearance tho, and unfortunately, for medical reasons, I don't have the energy to maintain a very feminine look. Besides, I'm housebound, for the same medical reasons, so there's really no one to dress up for either. Another thing is there are a couple of friends of mine, who are not so good at taking care of themselves, hehe. When they lived around here, I sort of adopted a bit of a mothering role for them, and that was nice. I don't have that much contact with them anymore tho. And yet another scenario is when I was younger and went to parties, and flirting with guys. But all these are where others are involved. Kinda wanna be able to draw it out myself, you know. Feel as much feminine as I feel masculine, find that balance. Heheh it's a little ironic, I've spent so much time coming to terms with that side of me, that now this one is pushed aside.
I also noticed today, a discomfort trying to dive into those feelings of being feminine. I've had to rely so much on myself, and always be strong, and I wonder if my femininity is also closely related to my vulnerability, and that it's hard for me to be vulnerable and be comfortable with it.
But I do feel like I've made some progress today at least. Hopefully I'll find my balance again. Thinking I can use the same techniques I've used to get to know my masculine side

 

Jay777 that's a really good idea actually. I've been trying to come up with things I can do actively, so thanks! Also for the hug
I'm a bit limited because of health issues, so baking and crafts are things I can't do much unfortunately. I do crochet a bit now and then when my wrists allow, but this time of year, getting cold and more rain, is really bad on my muscles and joints. I bought myself a flower the other day, and have been sort of spending some time with it, nurturing it, feels good, and it was what put me on the right path I think.
And I've been in contact with several different therapists and psychologists in the past. The problem is that I live in a rather small town, and they have to make due with the ones they get, and they're rarely the good ones. I'm not by the book in any way, and most of those I've talked to either aren't listening or can't keep up. In the end it caused more problems then it solved, so I've relied on other methods instead. But those methods have gotten me through a whole lot of sh*t, most of which started with a meltdown like this, so I think I'll be fine. Just need to get back into what I've been doing before.
Feel free to give me more suggestions on practical things I can do tho, if you think of any, I think it can be very helpful. But I need things that doesn't require much thinking or physical activity (I have ME/CFS and I'm housebound, major obstacle for most things).
Again, thank you very much