I'm not really sure where to begin. As some of you already know, I realised I was trans just over a couple of years ago. It kind of crept up on me. I never had any desire to be a boy growing up but I can recall sometimes feeling more boyish and then after the onset of puberty I felt increasingly uncomfortable with my body, the main problem being the weight gain and acquiring a curvy figure. My female parts didn't feel wrong or disgust me as they do now. I just felt a vague uneasiness or apathy towards them. As a child, I dressed very girly (my mum's choice) and I can honestly say I never felt uncomfortable. I would even go as far to say I liked wearing dresses and pretty clothing. Then from about the age of 10/11 up to the age of 16, my preference was t-shirts and trousers. I put a lot of weight on and felt uncomfortable with my body, not realizing this was probably an indicator of dysphoria. I thought being slim like most of the other girls my age and dressing the way they did was the solution so for the next 8 years of my life, I strived to be thinner, becoming anorexic and gradually became more and more feminine in my presentation. I started enjoying fashion and make up, my bedroom was the epitome of femininity, I studied textiles and made pretty pictures, cards, crafts, I got a job in a women's fashion store, all of which were a reflection of my supposed femininity. It was when I had achieved this and had been living as this new and improved me for about 2 or 3 years that I started questioning my gender. Initially, I had several personalities of different gender identities but over time these have subsided and I think I ID as male for about 80% of the time. For the other 20%, I know I'm not female but I'm not sure I'm male. For about 10 months, I feel as though I have been living mostly as a guy but only in my head. Although I have gradually got rid of the feminine things about my presentation and in my bedroom, I have yet to actually wear male clothing in front of anyone or replace the girly things in my room that I had taken away because they no longer felt right with equivalent items a guy might own. I have just started this process over the last couple of days with my bedroom. I had removed all traces of my life as female some time ago leaving me with nothing. The problem is that as I start looking to fill the space with things that reflect me as a man, it just doesn't feel right. It's like I have no history or something because everything I have so far acquired in life has been about me as a female. I can't put up pictures, photographs or ornaments, even new ones without getting massively dysphoric. At heart, there is part of me that still likes feminine decor and feels a strong connection to it but I can't go anywhere near without getting reminded of my past or my gender and again getting massively dysphoric. In a way, it feels as though I am choosing masculine decor for the sake of it because it doesn't give me dysphoria and because I am supposed to be a man, not because I like it or because it reflects something of my life or personality. This bothers me and I wonder, is this normal? I can't handle having feminine things or old photos of me about my room but without anything that reflects my life so far, I feel kind of lost and that none of this new stuff has any meaning to me. There are things I used to enjoy and that were of great importance to me that I can no longer do without getting dysphoric - reading novels, making art, caring for animals, designing decor, listening to music. I have put all this stuff away, got rid of it or stopped. I thought that transitioning is about finally becoming the real me but at the moment, I'm just feeling like I have lost everything that was ever important to me because of my gender and instead I am replacing them with stuff that is meaningless. :icon_sad: Is this how it's meant to be?
No. It isn't. To some degree it is normal to want to find things that better reflect how you feel, or to cast off reflections of your "old gender", whether that means putting away old photos or getting rid of things you feel are gendered strongly in the wrong direction. I was never big on photos from the start, so I had very few of them to put away or toss, but there were things I had that it just felt like time to get rid of. For me though, it was more a matter of having the sense that some of my tastes had changed. I tend to hold to the belief that things aren't gendered, because they're just objects - if the manliest man has a pink kitty shirt, then it is the manliest pink kitty shirt! (I don't know this guy but he is MANLY!) I feel like self-expression for FTMs can be a bit of a struggle. We live in a society that suppresses a man's humanity. Wear muted colors, don't wear your pants too tight, keep your hair short, limit your musical tastes to rock/metal/rap, answer people in as few words as possible, show very few emotions, don't express yourself too creatively. I mean, it's all bullshit. The things we tell guys to avoid doing are things that we can't help but to do as humans. See, NONE of the things you listed here are gender specific. I know so many guys that are readers, artists, designers, musicians and music enthusiasts, and animal lovers. Many of them are into more than one of these things. I understand you feel dysphoric about these things, but I think you need to ask yourself exactly why, and figure out where the discomfort is coming from. It almost sounds to me like you're uncomfortable because you associate them with your old life, which makes it seem like you're basically just trying to erase yourself completely. And I know that desire because I have it myself. Itching to be a blank slate, fresh and new and the right gender for once. But we're not entirely blank. We have a predisposition to things and activities that years of being alive have taught us we like. And that's ok. What's not ok is the way society drills it into us that unless we're two-dimentional creatures that watch sports and drink beer and seldom express ourselves, we're less manly. And that's...well, I've already said it, that's bullshit. Sometimes we sit back and wonder which preset option of guy we'll be when transitions all done, but we aren't presets. If you like kitties, you'll be a guy that likes kitties after you've been on T for a decade. If you like to read, T won't take that away. We aren't becoming different people by transitioning. We're just showing the world who we are inside.
I feel like self-expression for FTMs can be a bit of a struggle. We live in a society that suppresses a man's humanity. Wear muted colors, don't wear your pants too tight, keep your hair short, limit your musical tastes to rock/metal/rap, answer people in as few words as possible, show very few emotions, don't express yourself too creatively. I mean, it's all bullshit. The things we tell guys to avoid doing are things that we can't help but to do as humans. What's not ok is the way society drills it into us that unless we're two-dimentional creatures that watch sports and drink beer and seldom express ourselves, we're less manly. And that's...well, I've already said it, that's bullshit. Sometimes we sit back and wonder which preset option of guy we'll be when transitions all done, but we aren't presets. This ^ is so true. If a man does not fit this 'preset' not only do other men criticise him and make fun of him but women are equally as critical. My family are very very traditional when it comes to gender roles, especially my mum. In her view men should be exactly as you describe above while women should have complete freedom of self expression. Perhaps it's no wonder that my parents' relationship failed years ago since my mum never actually gives a damn about how my dad must feel, what he likes, what he thinks. It's always been about her. My mum regards the male species with such contempt it makes me angry. 'Men are stupid' 'Men don't have any common sense' 'Men can't cope with being single like women can. Women are stronger emotionally'. If a man is creative, my mum presumes he's gay. In fact, she actually said to me 'You can't be a man unless you're gay. Otherwise you wouldn't have been able to make art the way you did.' Thanks for this insight Clockworkfox. It has given me a lot to think about. I guess I need to somehow find a compromise between being a man who also happens to be a human.
Any time, man. It can be a struggle to compromise, but I'm sure you'll get there. Maybe it's the sort of circles I fly in, but I'm used to being around guys that flip the bird to the concept of traditionally two dimentional manly men. Be the best person you can be - there's no reason you can't be a straight guy that makes art or keeps a pet! And if anyone's got anything to say about it, well, the issue's with society, not with you. It's important to be human, after all.
I know the feeling, being more than what others see, but not wanting to discard my old self. Also, thanks, Clockworkfox. Hearing things like that make me smile.
